Young Writers Society

This is really beautiful. I absolutely love it. It gives me a feeling of sadness mixed with reminiscence. This is perfectly written and i think you should have more confidence in it. Im usually quite hard with my reviews, but i feel no need for much. Great job.

i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.

You seem to be desperate for rhymes here. Using words like churn, burn spurn and turn all together seem to be leading me to believe this. Sorry buts that just what I think. However this poem has no other flaws that I see. Please continue writing great poems like this. I really appreciate being able to read this.

It really works at driving the point home and you can't seem to get those repeated lines out of your head, its really cool!


While I enjoyed the subtle complexity of your rhyme scheme and structuring, a number of lines were conspicuously strained to adherence. "As love blooms primal passions churn/Which leads to tempers wearing thin" is awkward, and "And now into flames my heart goes in" is redundant. Other lines feel forced.

t's virtually the only line that directly hints at a story beyond the one narrated

This was done well. The repetition of destructive imagery works well to tune this piece to the angrily regretful ambience I think you were shooting for. Your symbolism was effective, if somewhat stereotypical.

While I enjoyed the subtle complexity of your rhyme scheme and structuring, a number of lines were conspicuously strained to adherence. "As love blooms primal passions churn/Which leads to tempers wearing thin" is awkward, and "And now into flames my heart goes in" is redundant. Other lines feel forced.

Finally, this line struck me.

So many chapters, yet I never learn

Hello! Laminated here for a reviewing.

As has been said already, the lack of punctuation at the end of some lines is a bit distracting. I wouldn't punctuate it the way you have, with only midsentence commas, because it forces the reader into awkward breakless continuation, but without the urgency and simplicity of a poem without punctuation. So yeah, if I were you I would ponder it a wee bit.

I think I love the ABA rhyme that you carry throughout the poem. In fact, I like it so much that I would prefer if you made the last line a new "verse," or a stand alone line to give more impact to both the first three and last lines of the final stanza.

I'm not sure that I'm crazy about the repetition, but it does make the poem feel unified and fixes the problem of running out of words to rhyme with "-urn."

A fabulous use of imagery here, I felt like I was living in memories. Thanks a bazillion for sharing!

Okay so all in all a good piece.
First of your lines need punctuation at the end (commas for the first two lines, periods for the second). Also, I feel that the rhyme scheme is somewhat incomplete because you have only three lines. It is less pronounced that way (and begins does not actual rhyme with in which throws it off as well, try googling words that rhyme with 'in' there'll be lots of good suggestions). You also should only capitalize the first word in the stanza because they are not separate sentences. One last thing I will mention is that your last stanza should probably have the same amount of lines as the preceeding ones, for continuity.
What I love about this poem? THE REPETITION. It really works at driving the point home and you can't seem to get those repeated lines out of your head, its really cool!
Happy Writing!

ok..now i think am beginning to fall for your poems.
"As love blooms, primal passions churn"...that's my favorite part. am definitely following you. And please make sure to let me know when you write one again.