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140,254 Literary Works • 673,072 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here for a review! Happy review day!
This was beautifully written. All the words flowed perfectly and the meaning in it was so precious.
A few suggestions though-
I feel like 'break' isn't the right word. When I think of 'break' I think of a single fracture. I feel like you're trying to go for more of a 'completely falls apart' feel. Maybe 'shatter' would be a better word? It's not the best choice but I'm sure you'll come up with something as it's clear that you're talented.
I might suggest to put 'only' after 'remain'. Make it clear that these petals are only here to torture us, their only purpose to make is believe we can bring them back. You could write this in a lot of other ways to, 'remain simply to' or 'only there to'. Your call.
Everything is more dramatic when it's being questioned. Maybe through a 'might' in there. 'if they might give us back'. It adds to the pain. It feels like they would return your pride if they had enough water, but you're not sure, you're still questioning it.
This was a beautiful poem and I'm definitely going to be reading some more work of yours.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Thanks for the reviews! I like some of your suggestions and though this is an older piece, I may go back and edit.
Hi yeah this poem seems great to read. I'm Ash by the way. Okay let's get started. This is an old poem I know that and I felt like going through your portfolio and this one caught my eye the most aw yeah).
Dead Flowers Review Time!
This poem describes the absolute beauty of a dead flower. Finally someone else understands haha. Dead flowers I used to love playing with in my grandma's garden. Okay back to the poem review before I tell you about me at 8 years old...
I just love this. Because you tell the reader that these flowers can remind us of things. And that the petals are even more fragile when the flower has died. You have given dead flowers a good reputation in a way. If they could speak they would say thank you.
Overall I give this a 9/10. Why? This is beautifuly written. But it is the punctuation. Might I suggest that every 2 lines that are like a sentence or such finish with a period. Use plenty of commasor something. You used plenty here. But just for next time remember to do that okay? Overall good job!
Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it. As for the punctuation, I generally follow standard grammar rules when punctuating my poetry and I don't see where I would need to add extra commas or periods. A lot of people think you have to have a comma or period at the end of every line, but that simply isn't true. Thanks again!
Hi there, like the poem it's quite beautiful. I am glad to know I am not the only one to see the beauty of a dead flower and I like how you portrayed it.It feels like you're saying A flower is beautiful in both life and death because it's life shines even when it has died, if you can remember the beauty of course. Anyways Nice work.
This is beautiful. The only thing overall that I really would love for you to fix is that the poem is less connected. I said something like this in one of your other poems.
Hmm, this is a really good stanza.
Maybe, though, it could be more like:
There's a beauty in dead flowers,
petals that were once supple flesh
white and red, but now are curled
stained with dried blood
breaking at the touch of a finger.
Also, the first line does not match with the rest. :/ Unless you can prove me wrong.
Okay, first, let me edit this really quick:
They remain to remind us of past glories,
a ghost of triumph(apostrophe?)s(or maybe the apostrophe is here...) past that we keep
as if they will give us back our pride,
if only they had enough water.
Firstly, maybe I could use with an explanation of the last line. It doesn't really fit in with the stanza, even if it fits with the message.
You have a great future ahead of you as a poet, although you might already be on that road. Good luck anyways!
The pictures this poem drew were just perfect. The image of a dead red rose was in my head til the very end. And I love the metaphor of dried blood , it describes a rosé's color so well . Only one thing : the lines were cut off in some kind of weird places that stopped the flow of the poem a bit . Overall great deepness and though in this poem
Thanks!
I like this. The metaphoric view I appreciate and am interested in. I like the first few lines very much! Good read!
As for critique, the poem felt a little dull and didn't leave me with that passionate feeling.
I'd recommend having a better rhythm to this poem. It makes your reader understand and process your words faster. By the end of this, I was a little distracted by it. That is the only critique I can really give though, as I liked it. c:
-Coley.
Thanks! Yeah I always get told to use longer lines and now everyone's saying "make them shorter" and I'm like "what do you want from me?"
But thanks though.
Hello niteowl!
I like your poem you have written even though I see a line which isn't right.
" parchment stained with drained blood
that break at the touch of a finger."
I don't think that blood can last that long. I think that you should put rhymes in this poem.
Hi znale and thanks for the review! It's not literal blood, but I think it can last that long, it's notoriously difficult to get out of clothes or carpet. And I don't usually rhyme, although I did in my song "Second chance".
Hi niteowl!good day
I really like the way you describe the dead flowers in your own way to make it beautiful and creepy at the same time;
'parchment stained with dried blood
that break at the touch of a finger. '
There is one thing that keep remaind us that not everything would be last forever on this stanza;
'They remain to remind us of past glories,
a ghost of triumphs past that we keep in
makeshift vases, as if they will give us back
our pride, if only they had enough water. '
My god,I like every single words you use and the metaphor is just working when you use the dead flowers to represent the triumphs that has passed .Bravo!
I cannot offer you a grand poetic review like some reviewers. However, I can offer my general impressions of this piece.
I thought it was very beautiful. Your word choices were perfect and, after having read this poem aloud to myself, they also had a certain flow to them. I find it interesting that you compared dead flowers to parchment. That was quite confusing to me, but enthralling at the same time. I wish I was able to offer more than this. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!