diamonds and ice

by niteowl

  • Poetry
  • Historical Fiction · Narrative

Published February 10, 2013

In Poems 2013

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She packed me in the suitcase,
two first class tickets to take us home. 
England's been lovely, she says,
but she misses Yankee shores. 
 
Two first class tickets
to take us home in style.
She lays me on the dresser,
where I rock gently with the waves. 
 
She dresses up for dinner
and takes me with her
to a gilded room where 
they serve the finest
steak and wine.
 
We retire, and she leaves
me on the dresser, sleeping
until the crash.
 
I slide off the dresser,
surrounded by screams. 
Her husband tells her to go,
for there's no room for him. 
 
Everyone runs, trying to fight
gravity and ice, but the ocean
wins and the ship surrenders. 
 
Icy water envelops me, 
as I fall past the bodies
that couldn't fit on lifeboats,
now due to slumber with titans. 
 
Years pass where I taste only salt
and see only fish, until the day
a strange machine found us. 
 
They have come to restore us,
to brush away the salt and algae
so that our owners might not be forgotten. 
 
Now I shine again, surrounded by
replicas of my coffin's splendor. 
Faces stare at me, in awe of
my resilience. 
 
I wonder if they even know her name. 
Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Morrigan
Review
Morrigan wrote a review Review · Feb 11, 2013

Hi, niteowl.

I really like this, and the last line sent chills down my spine. I love the reinvention of a story that seems like it's been done over and over. You manage to bring a new light to it.

That being said, I think it's a little long. You could pretty easily describe some of these events in fewer words. The first three stanzas are great at this, but I feel like they get a little too wordy after that.

Also, I think you should keep your focus more on the owner of the necklace (or whatever it is. A brooch? I don't know). It's about the necklace, but it is really supposed to be more about the human. That's why the last line was so chilling. How can we not know the names? It's a human thing, not an object thing. Just try to focus more on the owner.

Icy water envelops me,
as I fall past the bodies
that couldn't fit on lifeboats,
now due to slumber with titans.

This stanza feels somehow a little tacked on. It just doesn't really NEED to exist within the poem. There are a few other places that I feel extra words were added. Go through and say, "now do I need this for the plot?" and take out things that don't help the plot. This doesn't really because in the last stanza, you made the ship sink. Now it's in the water. Yep. I knew that from the last stanza already.

You have a good idea and a good start here. I hope this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!

User avatar
MainxStreamxDaydream Review
MainxStreamxDaydream wrote a review Review · Feb 10, 2013

Oh WOW that's incredible. Your use of imagery is so amazing in this piece. I love how I could figure it out -- what you were talking about -- although I do believe that you could use more of a powerful title.

Try to pick out something from inside your poem, something that makes the reader curious to know what the poem is about.

Plus, on top of that I believe you should try and get this published. You are a skilled writer with a lot of potential. Keep up the good work ^_^


niteowl
niteowl replied · Feb 10, 2013

Thanks! Yeah I having trouble thinking of a title that wasn't too obvious.

User avatar
MainxStreamxDaydream Review
MainxStreamxDaydream wrote a review Review · Feb 10, 2013

[double submission?]



akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon