Young Writers Society

Hoot, hoot, niteowl, June here,

My grandmother used to write her prayers into poetry because she believed that the Lord would feel more inclined to listen to something that at least sounded like she put effort into it. This reminded me of her prayers, so I appreciate this. This poem is wonderfully concise, and beautifully written, which doesn't leave too much room for me to say anything in the ways of critique.

I'm in love with the refrain you used here-- really ties the poem together and adds a feeling of desperation, devotion, and final chances to the tone of the poem.

Two thumbs skyward,

June

Hey Niteowl!
I'm hanorah and ill be reviewing your poem today!
I really really like this poem,it's quite morbid,but I normally write about things like this and I think it's really really good!
There is soooo much emotion in this poem and it's only short!I liked how this poem was so simple and you didn't over complicate things!
It rhymes as well which s always a bonus and some poets find that hard to do!!
Well done,10/10!!!!

Hey, nite!
I first want to say that I really like your bravery in setting forth an attempt as such powerful and widespread emotion in such a short poem. In a way, it kind of mimics that final set of moments: they are short, but they are powerful when we realize we are about to die. I mean, I assume.

Now, I do have some questions.
The third line to me seems a little odd, because if this person is indeed going to die and has known it, I feel like they would have already done all they could to set those things in order. Or are they drowning under a wall of more and more things they want to make right in life and maybe never could, even if they weren't to die? If that's the case, I need to feel that overbearing NUMBER of things to make right -- I think it might work better as a count noun instead of a non-count pronoun of "much". That way instead of a nebulous solid, it becomes many pieces and better has the skill to suffocate.

The other part where I was confused was this line:

If my pain brings this world your light,

Hey Niteowl,

It's always a pleasure to read a poem of yours, that said-- I liked this piece a lot -- it was kind of reminiscent of Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" in tone and in sounds -- it's sort of fitting, because consequently that "ite" bite in combination with some of those /t/s and /k/ consonants make really strong punches, and those sounds just typically tend to be a lot more aggressive in comparison to some of the softer consonants. So you really get this sense of fighting for your life and asking forgiveness for past sins, which I kind of take away as the overall theme in this poem.

While I like this poem, and I do appreciate the brevity and shortness of it, I also sort of wanted a bit more room to explore into the kind of life that the speaker had lived through. I think if you give us that exploration, it might make for a more impactful poem, because it will put us right there with the speaker, who is contemplative upon his past life, and all of his regrets and pains and sins, etc. That could be really neat thing to explore. Overall, a short poem, but a punchy straight-to-the-point one! Very clean, and very crisp.

~ as always, Audy

Hey there!

Wow, I actually really enjoyed this! I usually hate anything remotely religious, but this was quite nice. I /adored/ the first two lines, I wanted to read on and on - so good job there! Now, I think you could have made this a tad bit longer, despite it being a "prayer". I think you could have elaborated on a few matters, maybe gave a hint into what makes them a "sinner". Also, the second stanza is a tad confusing - you imply that your soul is being taken, which could hint at death, although I can see how it would tie into the former stanza. I would like more elaboration on "if my pain brings this world your light", as it's beautiful but I feel like maybe an example or two would make it hit home even more. Honestly, I was so immersed in the meaning and flow of this, I didn't notice your spelling or grammar - that's a huge compliment! I also thoroughly enjoyed how you took pieces of already existing prayers, as well as the slightly sad, pleading tone to this. It seemed as though they couldn't bare the thought of leaving the world before they could help, before they could use their newly-given "sight". As far as the title, I was a bit confused, but now I really love it - as the poem is begging to stay alive, as one might who believes they could pass any day.

Overall, extremely good job, thank you for the read!

~Epic