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140,257 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Ha, I liked this nite! The verse stanzas were quite sing-songy with nice flow and an almost rhyming quality - this went away a bit in the final stanzas. But the story progresses pretty naturally, and then the ending is abrupt but in a funny way. There's not enough poems told from animal perspectives - but I can see a cat spitefully spinning this story about their silly owners.
Thanks! I def don't remember intending to rhyme, but there is quite a bit unintentionally. I wish I could remember what the actual prompt was...I think it was a cat getting immortality, with bonus points for it being on accident or something?
Ha, I love how oddly specific that prompt is.
https://www.writinggooder.com/2013/02/c ... -corner-2/
Okay so the super-bonus option was having the pet cat become immortal.
Hi again, niteowl!
I like what you've added. It lends more emotion to the piece and illustrates that the narrator is a cat much more clearly than before.
The one thing I noticed about your addition that I might change is the rhyme in the first stanza. I don't know if you noticed that you created a rhyme between "play" and "name" (admittedly, it's a slant rhyme, but a rhyme nevertheless), but it sets up the expectation for the rest of the poem to have that rhyme scheme. I'd change that to not rhyme if I were you.
I like this revision. Keep writing, you awesome poet!
Hi there, niteowl!
I just did this challenge, and I think it's hilarious that we both chose to reference the Egyptian pantheon of gods in our poems =)
This poem is nice. I liked it, but I don't think it's quite polished enough. You need to put more emotion into it. Right now, it almost seems like a dry recitation of history (though I really like the vocabulary you use) without emotions. This is from the view of a cat. I think that you need to include some more imagery from the view of the cat. And make it more personal. Just a tad. Don't put too much; I like what you've got, but it's lacking that certain something.
I don't really understand (though it's probably because I'm not very brushed up on my ancient Egyptian history) the drinking bit. Did he find immortality in a potion? Or death that turned to immortality? Basically, I want to know more about how he made the cat immortal. Or how he found immortality. And I'm confused at the "fatal drink" part.
I think that the "I'm" doesn't really match the tone here. You've got a grand tone going on, and then you use this contraction, and it's not doing it for me.
That is my favorite stanza.
I love the last stanza. It's hilarious. I laughed for a very long time. An inappropriately long time, probably.
Altogether, this is pretty decent. Nice job. I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!
Haha, "dammed." XD
Anyway.
This was a good poem, and (I believe?) you met all of the extra criteria for the prompt, so kudos! This wasn't an extraordinarily exciting poem, and it lacked a real sense of emotion or finesse, but it was well-written nonetheless, and by no means a painful read. The story is an interesting idea and the last line made me laugh. I feel as though this is a diamond in the rough; with a little more artistry, a little more polishing, this would be a nice piece.
I am particularly fond of the last stanza and its abrupt rhythm:
His name is eternal now,
But his river and his country
Are dammed.
This showed a little wit here, and kind of pulled the things together in a cohesive, final way.
Overall this poem is nothing new, but it's not a matter of poor work so much as a lack of anything stand-out. It's solid, it's enjoyable, and you completed the challenge well.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx