Zoltar woke the next morning to the sound of loud whispering. He lay there with his eyes closed, listening.
“What do you mean he’s going hunting,” a hoarse voice snarled which Zoltar identified as Shiraku’s.
“He can help us with the hunt. You know we’ve been struggling. We haven’t caught anything in days,” Felistia’s cool crystal voice said.
“But we have fish. Isn’t that enough? I’m not letting a Shadow Talon hunt with us.”
“Shiraku, I can’t live on fish alone. Besides, why not? We could catch bigger game with him and he’s hunted in this sort of habitat before.”
“But we can’t trust him. He’s a Shadow Talon. I'm having enough trouble as it is letting him sleep here.” Shiraku hissed with clear hatred.
Zoltar cringed. He hated that everyone didn’t trust Shadow Talons just because of what they’d done centuries ago. It wasn't like he'd been involved, but then again it had been a horrific event. He had to see it from Shiraku’s point of view. He probably would have felt the same way if he was in her position.
“Well I trust him,” Felistia hissed, “Just remember that this is my cave that I brought you to. That means I’m in charge, so if you’re not happy, go and find food on your own. You may be old enough to hunt for yourself, but just remember that with age comes wisdom. You need to learn when to pick a fight and when you should just save your energy. I don’t know what you are moaning about anyway, we’re criminals and Zoltar seems to trust us, so why don’t you just give him a break?”
“Because he’s a Shadow Talon. You know what they did to the Sea Talons. They are about as trust worthy as snakes,” Shiraku growled, her voice loaded with enough venom to kill ten Shadow Talons.
“That happened years ago,” Felistia said, “What good is it doing you to be angry over something that happened so long ago and that you can do nothing to change. It’s not worth it.”
“Fine, but if he does anything that upsets me, so help me I will kill him.”
Zoltar lay as still as possible, trying his best to look like he was asleep. He didn’t want Felistia or Shiraku to know that he’d been listening. He didn’t know how Shiraku would react to that.
“Shh, I think he’s waking up,” Shiraku hissed. There was the sound of claws hurriedly walking away.
Zoltar heaved a sigh as though he’d just woken up and opened his eyes. Felistia was curled up in the far corner and Shiraku was trying her best to look like she was engrossed with picking grit out from between her claws.
The sun had already cleared the mountains and was rising fast, spreading its golden light over the forest.
“Oh, you’re up,” Felistia said, looking up.
Shiraku snorted softly to herself.
“Morning,” Zoltar said as he stretched, flexing his claws, “Are we still going hunting?”
He wanted to be out of the cave as soon as possible. The feeling of unease was so thick in the air you could cut it. It was almost unbearable. At least when he was in the air he wouldn’t have to hang around Shiraku.
Shiraku’s webbed tail lashed violently, but her face didn’t change.
“Of course we’re still going hunting. Shiraku’s also coming. She was going to take us to the lake to fish later. Right Shiraku?” Felistia shot a quick look at the Sea Talon.
“Yes,” Shiraku mumbled unconvincingly, her paws clinched.
Felistia walked over to the cave’s entrance and pushed away the vines with her wings. A stream of sunlight burst through the gap, lighting up the cave and Shiraku’s scowling face. She got up and strode over to Felistia, her muscles rippling under her scales.
“Come on. We’ll show you the island while we fly,” Felistia added as she leapt out the cave, closely followed be a grumbling Shiraku.
Zoltar wondered if he’d made the right decision asking Felistia to hunt with him as he dived after the Sea Talon's metallic blue tail. She and Shiraku had been together three months already and the last thing he wanted was to get between them. It could turn rather ugly very quickly. At this point in time he wasn’t ever sure if Shiraku was safe to be around. She may only be a young adult, but she still was large than him. He knew without a doubt that in a fight she’d win talons down. He’d just have to be careful. He’d done okay so far.
As he flew over the forest Zoltar realized he hadn’t fully appreciated the island's beauty the day before, but now in the full light of the sun it was breath taking.
The trees were a sparkling array of emeralds and jades, each leaf a different shade of green. Birds darted from tree to tree, their multi-coloured feathers brilliant splashes of colour against the bottle green backdrop. Tall pillars rose out of the forest like sticks out of sand. Their dappled grey sides streaked with feathery moss and fungi. Alps loomed over the jungle to the north and the thin outline of Megalonia could be seen to the south. One mountain towered over the rest and thin trails of dirty, white smoke seeped from the summit.
The day was clear, but dark clouds were billowing behind the northern mountains like an omen for bad things to come. Zoltar’s gut twisted in a strange urge to seek cover.
“We used live and hunt on the east side of the island a few weeks back, but recently we’ve had to make do down here. I wouldn’t go there if I were you. It can be dangerous. We now hunt along the mountain slopes,” Felistia remarked as she changed course, banking north towards the mountains.
Zoltar’s ears perked up. So they were near the Wisp Talon side of the island until recently. Maybe he’d been right to think that they were the ones causing the trouble. The question was what sort of trouble.
“Why did you have to move?” Zoltar asked, moving up alongside the Ice Talon. Maybe if he played innocent he could squeeze some information out of them?
“There’s a native tribe on the island; Wisp Talons. You should avoid them at all costs. We moved to this side of the island after they …” Felistia’s voice dropped and she sighed.
“After they killed my father,” Shiraku said softly from behind them.
Her voice was so faint, Zoltar almost missed it. She’d lost a loved one too. He suddenly felt a wave of sorrow come over him, for Shiraku. She was just as alone on this island as him.
“I’m … sorry,” Zoltar said, dropping back down to Shiraku. The Sea Talon was staring straight ahead, but her eyes were not focus on what lay before her. Tears brimmed along their edge.
After a long moment she sighed, hissing, “I don’t want your pity, Zoltar. Just leave me alone. It doesn’t matter now anyway.”
Zoltar nodded, flapping his wings as he moved back alongside Felistia.
She glanced over at him and shook her head, “Just leave her be. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but it doesn’t help. She just needs time.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
I'm back. Day 2 of the reviewathon. Hoping to get to the end of this book today. *takes deep breath*
First Impression: Now that's a little bit of plot development finally. Lots of interesting things happen.
Okay, getting to it,
Good move on his part.
Why can't she live on fish alone? Genetics? Or is she just bored of eating fish? Is this explained later?
Okay back up here. This was never mentioned earlier. I though Wisp Talon's were trading with them just fine a couple of years back despite some trusting issues. Or maybe you meant that the Sea Talons were the ones that didn't trust them.
This is first reference we get to age. I'm curious about the age of our protagonist now.
This coming right after he though "uh oh I shouldn't be caught" comes off a little odd. Maybe have them talk a bit longer before Shiraku says this.
Nice subtle descriptor of how Sea Talons differ from other dragons.
This is nice. It shows that Zoltar is a nice person for not wanting to come between the two friends. And the Sea Talon being so large, I'm starting to think that Shadow Talons are some of the weakest dragons now. Is this because they specialize in stealth so they are smaller to aid in that?
Now that's interesting isn't it?
I think that should be focused.
Did I read that correctly? She called him Zoltar instead of Shadow Talon. Ohh... my theory might be correct? *brain-go on full alert*
And that's it for the first review of the day.
Overall: I don't think I have to tell you its well written and described really well. That's a fact by now. Umm... Really interesting the direction this appears to be going in. I cannot wait to read on. Couple of mistakes but those are easily fixed.
So that's it. I'll move on to the next one. As always take what you think helps and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you again. When come back to edit I want to add in more about the Shadow Talons past. I feel like I have a bit in here, but not enough to make it clear. Also, the Shadow Talons at the moment are the weakest tribe due to the volcano essentially weakening them. I think I want to add a bit more to the first chapter so we can see them how they were before the volcano exploded.
Your Welcome! Well that should help things along or Zoltar would come off as a bit of a weakling. And maybe just mention a few places where Zoltar goes like (those days we could blah blah blah but now we're blah blah)
Interesting! The wisp talons killed Shiraku's father.
Here's my review:
First of all, I like this whole scenario with the three of them with Felistia trying to defend Zoltar while Shiraku is all bitter and angry with him. Also, THE WISP TALONS KILLED SHIRAKU'S FATHER? I was not expecting that at all! The plot thickens! Plus, I really want to know what's going on with the wisp talons and what Felistia and Shiraku did to make them angry, if they are for sure the ones who did whatever they did. The way you bring up things that gives the readers questions and then you don't answer the question right away really helps make it a page-turner. Now for grammar: unfortunately you made a lot of typos in this one like. I'll point out a few, but you can look it over and find the others.
This isn't a very big typo, but the period at the end should really be a question mark. It's a question after all.
One of the typos: I believe it should be "larger" not "large"
These obviously aren't all of them, I remember there were more but looking back I couldn't find them again.
Anyway, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.
Thank you for another review.
Hey feli!
Let's get started, shall we? I only have one thing to point out, which is going to make this review quite short.
Hope you're doing well today or tonight. I'm back to give you a review! I was stuck for a while because I was super busy, but here I am now!
Wouldn't that be clenched? I could be wrong. But clinched means to, like, close.
Anyways, I really liked this chapter! I love how Zoltar pretends to sleep and eavesdrops on the conversation going on between Felistia and Shiraku. That's so me! Lol. Also, I'm at the edge of my seat to learn more about Shiraku's father. I really want to know what'll happen!!!
Anyhoo, I'm done with my review! Hope this helped in one way or the other. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Good morning!
Omg this is getting dramatic
Okay, so I love a lot of things about this exchange while he's sleeping.
1) I love that not only is he faking it, but he realized he has to keep faking it or Shiraku will get angry THEN IMMEDIATELY SHIRAKU NOTICES HE'S WAKING UP. He's clearly a bad liar. But still Shiraku doesn't think he eavesdropped, so he gets out of trouble. BUT IT WAS CLOSE.
2) We get insight into Shiraku's brain. She kNOWS she's being difficult when it comes to Zoltar, and we also get the feeling that her hatred is stemmed from her young age. She grew up learning to hate the Shadow Talons, so this sort of upbringing is showing in her immaturity.
3) We also get into Felistia's brain. Not only is she an older dragon, but she's a much more mature dragon. AND SHE KNOWS THIS. She openly points out Shiraku's flaws and basically tells her to grow up. I don't know what the age gap is (especially in dragon terms) but it's clearly wide enough that Felistia doesn't only nag Shiraku, she teaches Shiraku.
4) We also learn that Shiraku can eat off of fish alone (for obvious Sea Talon reasons), Felistia cannot. So there's even dIET RESTRICTIONS between the dragon races, and I just. love. the diversity.
So the one main thing that's bugging me about the scene here is that they seemed to be having this conversation so close to him, or close enough that he hears. They're dragons and I think Shadow Talons have sensitive hearing at least? I can't remember, but it just seems rather suspicious that it was so easy to overhear them, that Shiraku was hissing so loudly (hissing is actually a loud whisper, I don't know if you've ever tried it BUT IT'S SO LOUD), and then SHIRAKU is the one tells Felistia to SHHHHHH HE'S WAKING UP MRAAAHAHHHHHHH. The setup just felt a little weird.
But I did love the exchange.
I like that Felistia is just like YEAH SHIRAKU IS COMING LEGGO and Shiraku is like mumblemumblemumble.
Omg. She used Zoltar's name. I figured she would call him Shadow Talon or some little insulting nicknames because she doesn't recognize him as a decent dragon.
OHHHH HER FATHER WAS KILLED BY WISP TALONS. Was her father here with her on the island? I guess we never heard her story yet. It's really intriguing actually. I wonder what circumstances brought her and her father here. And did Felistia have to live with Shiraku AND her father for a bit? Maybe her father was banished and he took her daughter with her? Though that seems questionable.
I DON'T KNOW. I'M CURIOUS.
And now I'm sadly caught up, so I shall wait patiently for your next chapter. I look forward to reading more and watching this relationship develop as well as learning more about Shiraku's situation (and maybe even Felistia's). I hope Shiraku ends up flying into a tree. That would be hilarious omg.
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi, there. I like this. The story line is something I could roll with. However, there are a few things that you could work on. Let's start with the dialogue. This is the part that can use the most improvement. Your dialogue feels rushed, you can definitely put a little more effort into it.
Another thing. You reveal too much too early. I would urge you to keep a little mystery. Keep the reader in some suspense. We learn that Zoltar doesn't like the shadow talons because they did something real bad in the past. You don't have to reveal everything in the first few paragraphs.
Furthermore, instead of revealing everything via dialogue you can also use actions.
For example, instead of Zoltar saying he doesn't trust the Shadow Talon, you can show that he doesn't trust the Shadow Talon.
Here's what I mean. Here is Zoltar saying he doesn't trust the shadow Talon:
“But we can’t trust him. He’s a Shadow Talon. I'm having enough trouble as it is letting him sleep here.”
Why not use action instead to show his distrust? Let's give it a shot:
--- Zoltar couldn't sleep ever since the Shadow Talon joined their crew. How could he with that thing hovering around them?---
So, as in the above example you can still use action to reveal facts rather than using dialogoe to do so.
Keep writing. Good luck.