Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever one it is in your part of the world),
So chapter five was...OUCH...sorry just cut myself. I was cutting onions while writing this. What was I saying again?
First Impression: So my paranoia was indeed paranoia about Scorpus. So I believe this is like his driving factor or something. Why does this keep happening to heroes? Moving little scene. Good fight scene and you managed to make me like Nira enough that her death actually felt pretty heavy for a character that dies in chapter 5.
Anyway *wipes his eyes*(damn onions) let's get to it,
First came the whistle, then the flash of silver as the spear hurtled through the air and landed with a sickening thud in Scorpus’s chest. He let out an ear piercing roar and collapsed to the ground, writhing before stiffening and going still.
OUCH
Zoltar’s heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest as he bolted through a patch of bushes as he followed Nira. Trees and bushes whipped past, lashing at his eyes. Sticks and stone flew from under his claws. Branches reached out with their clawed fingers, grabbing at the scaly wings of the two dragons bolting through the forest.
Zoltar’s lungs felt like they were on fire and his breathing came out quick and shaky. His claws thudded against the wet earth like rocks, but still he ran, urging himself to go faster. Creepers snatched at his wings and tail like a nest of serpents and gnarled tree roots threatened to trip him with every step he took. A giant log loomed only a little way off, nearing with each passing second. He and Nira leapt over the fallen tree, their paws barely clearing the trunk.
Lovely little description that does a really good job of conveying the confusion of the attack but the two paragraphs both starting with Zoltar's felt a bit repetitive.
Zoltar thought they’d gotten away, but just as he was about to level out into a flight path away from the forest, a serpent like figure burst from the leaves, lunging with its fangs bared towards Nira’s tail. They sank between the scales as the Wisp Talon drove it’s fangs through her hide.
I think you can phrase that better to just straight up thoughts of being free and happiness from escaping. The that next part would be more of a surprise.
Summoning the heat with in him, Zoltar fired a red hot fire ball from his jaws. It collided with the Wisp Talon hanging from Nira’s tail. The creature let go with a shriek as it plummeted into the forest below.
So they do breath fire. This opens a little bit of a doubt as to why fire still hurts them if they can breathe fire but then that's a bit of a nitpick that's totally unimportant to the plot.
Scorpus was gone. His commander of twenty years was dead. Zoltar could hardly believe it. It had all happened so fast. He’d had no time to think, but now as he flew over the still ocean waters, the weight of the situation came tumbling down on him. He and Nira were the only soldiers left to defend the tribe and there was a war looming. It had been a desperate situation before, but now their leader wouldn’t be there to help and guide them.
Zoltar let out a long sigh. At least Nira was here with him. He couldn’t think what he’d do if he lost her. She’d be there for him and together they’d get their tribe out of the Shadow Lands.
Now that's just toying with emotions. Nicely writen.
With a jolt of fear, Zoltar realize that seeping out of the bite wound was a thick black substance; poison. The Wisp Talons bites were poisonous.
Considering that they seemed to know a fire bit about the Wisp Talons and they had apparently traded with them before you'd expect him to know that the bites are poisonous.
Nira looked over at him, her now blood red eyes meeting his, “I love you.” She whispered, the words barely escaping her jaws.
“Oh Nira. I’m so sorry,” Zoltar cried, his tears wetting her scales, “I tried..,” the words caught in his throat.
“You did your best and I’d love you no matter what happened.”
“I love you too, so very much,” Zoltar nuzzled her.
Nira gave him a weak lick on the snout before the last breathe escaped her jaws as her body stilled. Sobs threatened to break forth from Zoltar as he lifted his wing from her. Not a sound broke the still night apart from the gentle lapping of the waves on the beach.
Must find sharper knife. Onions are hard to cut.
Heart torn and bleeding, Zoltar gazed up at the night sky, tears still shimmering in his eyes. The stars were so bright tonight, their silver light seeming to pulse and dance in the darkness. The gentle murmur of the ocean seemed to be trying to comfort him as he stood alone on the beach, stare up at the heavens, but he would not be comforted.
And the hero was born.
Okay that's it for this chapter.
Overall Captures the emotions beautifully. Lovely descriptions as always. The plot is now getting really interesting and opening up a lot of possible directions.
Anyway like I said the last four times. I might have repeated some of what he other reviewers said. Take what you think is useful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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