Published July 9, 2019
Lighting flashed and thunder boomed all around Zoltar as he turned to face the raptors. Their golden green hide glowed silver in the light of the storm as the wind howled like an angry beast. They cocked their crested heads, a hungry glint in their eyes as they prowled forward.
Zoltar snarled, baring his fangs. They were sizing him up. Perhaps more confident now that Felistia and Shiraku were gone. He couldn’t turn and run though. They’d be on him like a pack of wolves. They were scavengers for the most part and were after the deer, but they wouldn’t miss a chance to take down a lone dragon if they could. He’d have to put up a fight, show them that they were no match for him. They could have the deer, but he needed to get out of there.
The raptors circled, chattering to themselves excitedly.
Zoltar flared his wings in an effort to make himself appear larger and roared, the sound drowning out the storm raging over head. The raptors didn’t back off though and continued to surround him. They’re weren’t being intimidated by his show of strength. He needed to fight, lash out.
Suddenly the lead raptor lunged, latching onto Zoltar’s back. Zoltar bucked wildly as the raptor’s claws slashed long cuts through his wings. More raptors leapt at him, raking their talons against his scales.
Zoltar roared, blasting the creatures with fire balls as he thrashed in an effort to throw the alpha from his back. It held on, biting and stabbing with its claws.
Sharp lightning bolts of pain shot along Zoltar's wings and back. He had to get this raptor off his back. It could rip a hole through one of his wings. He'd never be able to fly again. The thought terrified him as he spun wildly, lashing out with razor sharp talons. But the creature on his back held on, kicking out with it's hooked feet, ripping lash after lash along Zoltar's wings.
Finally, Zoltar threw himself against a tree. He let out a yelp of pain as he hit the trunk, crushing the raptor’s skull on impact. The alpha fell to the forest floor, dead.
An explosion of shrieks and snarls erupted from the band of raptors and they jumped out of reach of Zoltar’s slashing talons. They kept their distance, watching him.
Zoltar’s sides heaved, blood dripping down his scales. He felt dizzy as though he was going to faint, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to finish this or they would.
He threw out his wings, ignoring the hot flashes of pain burning through them, and roared. He rushed forward, charging the lingering pack of raptors. The raptors didn’t wait for him to reach them. Screeching, they turned and fled back into the forest, swallowed up by the howling storm.
Zoltar slowed to a stop, his legs weak and shaking. He had to go. The raptors would be back for the deer and him if he collapsed. He had to get to shelter before he blacked out. It was his only chance.
He dragged himself to the clearing. The storm was whirling overhead, the high winds tugging at his wings, the rain battering his scales. Even if his wings weren’t torn, he’d struggle to fly in these conditions. He wasn’t going to be able to make it to Felistia’s cave. Not until this storm let up and even then he wasn’t sure if he could fly. He’d have to find a place to shelter for the night.
He looked beyond the forest, at the mountain slopes. He was sure he’d seen some caves around there this morning before he’d started the hunt. If he could just find a cave, he should be able to last the night. The storm would have blown over by morning. He could figure out what to do then. Felistia and Shiraku might even come back to look for him. Right now though, he was on his own.
Moaning at the pain stabbing across his body, Zoltar limped back into the trees, heading up the slope of the mountain.
Every step was agony, but he forced himself to keep going. He wouldn’t let the pain win. He had too much on the line. His tribe was depending on him and him alone. He couldn’t fail them. Nira’s death would have been in vain if he gave up now. He had to keep going. She would if she’d been in his place.
The wind roared through the ancient tree tops, hurling freezing cold rain against his already stinging wounds, but he pushed on. Step by painful step he climbed the mountain, searching the now rocky slopes for a cave. It was so dark in the midst of the storm and Zoltar found himself thankful for his night vision. Without it he’d be lost in amongst the creaking trees.
Finally, as though a portal to another world had opened up, a cave appear in the gloom. Lightning flashed, lighting its interior for a split second. It was empty.
Almost crying with relief, Zoltar staggered inside. It was warm and dry, shielded for the screaming gale outside. In a last effort to stay hidden, he collapsed behind a large clump of stalagmites. The world grew dim as consciousness faded.
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140,106 Literary Works • 673,013 Reviews
Well, another great chapter!
This one was quite short. I liked it though. The whole chapter was quite sit-on-the-edge-of-your-seat intense, and it was very effective to keep me interested. I didn't get bored in any part. (Though it was also quite short, so... yeah. I'd have to have a really short attention span to get bored.)
This is a great start to the chapter!
This is grammatically incorrect. Either you need to connect it with the former sentence and change that period to a comma, or add "they were" after "Perhaps."
This is really intense!
I would use a different word than "Lash," just because it technically is a verb. Also you already used it earlier.
I really liked the sentence "he had to finish this or they would"
This paragraph and the rest of the chapter was really well written and descriptive, and it again shows Zoltar's personality, which seems to be the stereotypical "hero" personality, except with some interesting twists. What I mean is that he does the whole "I must keep going, I can't give up now" sort of thing.
It should be "The world grew dim as his/Zoltar's consciousness faded" depending on whether you want to use Zoltar's name or a pronoun.
Anyway, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.
Thank you for the review.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
The review's continue,
First Impression: Nice fight scene. Pretty quick and very realistic.
So onto it,
Some quick but effective description. Nicely paced so that we get an idea of the fight without getting bogged down by additional details.
I'm assuming these are pretty thick wings because he gets cut up pretty badly without getting a hole.
This should open up some interesting avenues in the next chapter as we can see if the other two will be worried at him not returning.
Good that you added that in there. Shows his true motivations to keep going pretty well.
This last bit shows the effects of the fight really well. And I like how he goes unconscious from all the effort of dragging himself to a cave and the blood loss. Really brings home the effects of the fight.
And that's about it,
Overall: Neat little fight scene scene. Shows his fighting prowess and we can soon get an idea of how much Shiraku and Felistia will actually care. Looking forward to read the next chapter.
Anyway as always take what you think will help and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks again for your review. I think you're going to like the next few chapters.
Hello feli!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get started now, shall we? But before we start, lemme just say that there was zero spelling, punctuational, and grammatical mistakes. So great job with that!
Okay, so great chapter! It was quite short - and it made the fight quite short too. Zoltar is wounded badly. Like so badly that he fell unconscious. Nobody would've guessed that he was going to faint after such a short fight. The only thing that - in my view - happened is that Zoltar was stabbed and lashed on the back by the alpha, etc. So it doesn't quite fit, ya know?
Hope you understand what I mean.
Overall, though, you did a fantastic job with the description. I could basically feel Zoltar's pain in the back. You described the pain perfectly. And then when he fell unconscious - don't laugh - but I think I could've fallen unconscious too.
So now, that brings us to the end of my review. Now, I shall scurry of to the ninteenth chapter. Also, if you have any questions, you know what to do. Ask. Hope this review helped in one way or the other!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Thank you for another review. I went back and edited the fight. It was too short. What do you think of it now?
Anytime! I will check it as soon as I possibly can.
Gawd! I read it and - mamma mia - it's has a lot of difference. I LOVE IT! I can def see why Zoltar would faint now. The paaaaainnnn though.... Augh. I feel bad for our hero.
HELLO!!
Awwwwwwwwwwwww yeah, Zoltar!! SCARE 'EM OFF.
That fight scene did not last as long as I thought it would. I feel like they stared at each other more than actually fighting. I expected a little chasing here and a few raptor peon casualties there.
But HE DID WIN SO THAT'S COOL.
I also love that this is taking place in a storm and that you don't ever forget about that. The picture is so very clear here. Your description is fantastic.
I really like that he thinks about his tribe and Nira here. I feel like it's been a while, but that could be simply because of me reading a chapter every day or every other day. So I like that we refer to this again, especially in this moment where he's extremely wounded and struggling.
So he IS seriously wounded, but the fight was so short that it didn't feel like he was coming out of that fight seriously wounded. I think maybe the pacing of the fight scene could probably get another look? I'm not really sure. It's probably just me too, see what others say about it.
omg my poor baby just plopped inside the cave.
omg someone hug him
You do a really good job describing his trek after the fight, looking for shelter. I could really feel his pain and struggle the whole time and the POOR BABY HAS MY HEART OMG <3 <3 <3
I wonder if Felistia and Shiraku will find him. Maybe they'll use their novice tracking skills to find him by sniffing his trail O: except the rain might have washed that away. I don't know. BUT I AM WORRIED. MY ZOLTAR NEEDS SUSTENANCE. MY BABY HERO. <3
Thank you for another review. I thought the fight might be a bit short, but didn't want it to drag out. I'll work on that.
Thank again.
Just finished editing the fight. What do you think now.
It definitely feels a little better and a little more natural now! Zoltar's one-on-one duel with the alpha was more pronounced as he was forced to prioritize that raptor alone, and then the interaction with the rest of the raptors also felt more realistic. They would be wary and scared, but at least they showed some hesitation as if they wanted to keep fighting while Zoltar was weakened.
Feels better!