Young Writers Society

Well, another great chapter!

This one was quite short. I liked it though. The whole chapter was quite sit-on-the-edge-of-your-seat intense, and it was very effective to keep me interested. I didn't get bored in any part. (Though it was also quite short, so... yeah. I'd have to have a really short attention span to get bored.)

Lighting flashed and thunder boomed all around Zoltar as he turned to face the raptors.

Perhaps more confident now that Felistia and Shiraku were gone.

Suddenly the lead raptor lunged, latching onto Zoltar’s back. Zoltar bucked wildly as the raptor’s claws slashed long cuts through his wings. More raptors leapt at him, raking their talons against his scales.

Zoltar roared, blasting the creatures with fire balls as he thrashed in an effort to throw the alpha from his back. It held on, biting and stabbing with its claws.

But the creature on his back held on, kicking out with it's hooked feet, ripping lash after lash along Zoltar's wings.

He felt dizzy as though he was going to faint, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to finish this or they would.

He dragged himself to the clearing. The storm was whirling overhead, the high winds tugging at his wings, the rain battering his scales. Even if his wings weren’t torn, he’d struggle to fly in these conditions. He wasn’t going to be able to make it to Felistia’s cave. Not until this storm let up and even then he wasn’t sure if he could fly. He’d have to find a place to shelter for the night.

The world grew dim as consciousness faded.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

The review's continue,

First Impression: Nice fight scene. Pretty quick and very realistic.

So onto it,

Lighting flashed and thunder boomed all around Zoltar as he turned to face the raptors. Their golden green hide glowed silver in the light of the storm as the wind howled like an angry beast. They cocked their crested heads, a hungry glint in their eyes as they prowled forward.

Sharp lightning bolts of pain shot along Zoltar's wings and back. He had to get this raptor off his back. It could rip a hole through one of his wings. He'd never be able to fly again. The thought terrified him as he spun wildly, lashing out with razor sharp talons. But the creature on his back held on, kicking out with it's hooked feet, ripping lash after lash along Zoltar's wings.

He dragged himself to the clearing. The storm was whirling overhead, the high winds tugging at his wings, the rain battering his scales. Even if his wings weren’t torn, he’d struggle to fly in these conditions. He wasn’t going to be able to make it to Felistia’s cave. Not until this storm let up and even then he wasn’t sure if he could fly. He’d have to find a place to shelter for the night.

Every step was agony, but he forced himself to keep going. He wouldn’t let the pain win. He had too much on the line. His tribe was depending on him and him alone. He couldn’t fail them. Nira’s death would have been in vain if he gave up now. He had to keep going. She would if she’d been in his place.

The wind roared through the ancient tree tops, hurling freezing cold rain against his already stinging wounds, but he pushed on. Step by painful step he climbed the mountain, searching the now rocky slopes for a cave. It was so dark in the midst of the storm and Zoltar found himself thankful for his night vision. Without it he’d be lost in amongst the creaking trees.

Finally, as though a portal to another world had opened up, a cave appear in the gloom. Lightning flashed, lighting its interior for a split second. It was empty.

Almost crying with relief, Zoltar staggered inside. It was warm and dry, shielded for the screaming gale outside. In a last effort to stay hidden, he collapsed behind a large clump of stalagmites. The world grew dim as consciousness faded.

Hello feli!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get started now, shall we? But before we start, lemme just say that there was zero spelling, punctuational, and grammatical mistakes. So great job with that!

Okay, so great chapter! It was quite short - and it made the fight quite short too. Zoltar is wounded badly. Like so badly that he fell unconscious. Nobody would've guessed that he was going to faint after such a short fight. The only thing that - in my view - happened is that Zoltar was stabbed and lashed on the back by the alpha, etc. So it doesn't quite fit, ya know?

Hope you understand what I mean.

Overall, though, you did a fantastic job with the description. I could basically feel Zoltar's pain in the back. You described the pain perfectly. And then when he fell unconscious - don't laugh - but I think I could've fallen unconscious too.

So now, that brings us to the end of my review. Now, I shall scurry of to the ninteenth chapter. Also, if you have any questions, you know what to do. Ask. Hope this review helped in one way or the other!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty

HELLO!!

Awwwwwwwwwwwww yeah, Zoltar!! SCARE 'EM OFF.

That fight scene did not last as long as I thought it would. I feel like they stared at each other more than actually fighting. I expected a little chasing here and a few raptor peon casualties there.

But HE DID WIN SO THAT'S COOL.

I also love that this is taking place in a storm and that you don't ever forget about that. The picture is so very clear here. Your description is fantastic.

I really like that he thinks about his tribe and Nira here. I feel like it's been a while, but that could be simply because of me reading a chapter every day or every other day. So I like that we refer to this again, especially in this moment where he's extremely wounded and struggling.

So he IS seriously wounded, but the fight was so short that it didn't feel like he was coming out of that fight seriously wounded. I think maybe the pacing of the fight scene could probably get another look? I'm not really sure. It's probably just me too, see what others say about it.

omg my poor baby just plopped inside the cave.

omg someone hug him

You do a really good job describing his trek after the fight, looking for shelter. I could really feel his pain and struggle the whole time and the POOR BABY HAS MY HEART OMG <3 <3 <3

I wonder if Felistia and Shiraku will find him. Maybe they'll use their novice tracking skills to find him by sniffing his trail O: except the rain might have washed that away. I don't know. BUT I AM WORRIED. MY ZOLTAR NEEDS SUSTENANCE. MY BABY HERO. <3