The Quest for Fire - Into the Mists - Chapter Seven

by felistia

Published May 27, 2019

E - Everyone

In The Quest For Fire Book One - to edit

The morning sky glowed a burning orange behind the clouds of ash streaming from Mount Mokewtu as Zoltar and Hisster emerged from the caves. A cruel wind screamed across the blackened wasteland, tossing up cinders and hurling them through the air. The smell of sulfur was so strong in the air that Zoltar could taste it.

Zoltar and Hisster spread their wings as they turned away from wind. The next gust caught their outstretched wings and launched them skyward. In mere seconds, they’d soared through the ash choked clouds and were riding the winds west towards the Forbidden Hills.

After about an hour of flying, the landscape began to change. Grass started to carpet the ground. At first it was a few blades scattered across the earth, but soon there was just waving grasslands for as far as the eye could see. Tendrils of mist swept across the dull yellow hills, cloaking the landscape in a veil of shifting white.

Zoltar growled under his breath. He sniffed the air, searching for any sign of life, but hot, dry musk was all he could smell. Where were the Ghost Talons? There was nothing except shifting grasses out here.

He caught Hisster’s eye and looked at him questioningly.

Hisster shook his head.

Zoltar sighed. He couldn’t see anything. Where were they? They must be around here somewhere.

The hills seemed to rise and fall like the waves of a rolling sea as they flew for another half an hour, searching the earth for any sign of movement.

They did happen to come across a herd of Antelosaurs, the antelope like reptiles racing across the plains, their scaly tails whipping through the grass behind them as they used their antlers to create a path through the fields of yellow blades.

“We might be able to find them on foot,” Hisster final said after their third pass.

“Do you even think they’re here?” Zoltar asked, doubt starting to seep in. What would they do if they couldn’t find the Ghost Talons? That would be it. No hope left. They’d be doomed to die in the Shadow Lands and Nira’s death would have been for nothing.

He flinch at the pain the thought brought. He still couldn't believe she was gone. He was used to her being away from him for a few days between missions, but this time she wasn't coming back. She was gone.

“They’re here alright. They just aren’t making it easy. They’re probably watching us right now, waiting for us to land,” Hisster growled, scanning the ground below, “We’ll need to be careful, but we’re not going to get anywhere if we stay up here.”

Tucking back his wings, Hisster dived. Zoltar was close behind, streaking downward, the wind grabbing at his wings with its claws. The ground rose up to meet them, but before it could pull them into it, the two dragons whipped out their wings, slowing their descent. They landed softly, sinking shoulder deep into the golden grasses.

The mist swirled around them, touching them with its cold fingers. The grasses swayed back and forth, rustling in the wind.

As they continued to wade through the blades, a low rumbling began to fill the air around them, growing louder by the second like the growl before a storm.

Zoltar shivered as he walked up another rise. It felt like ants were crawling between his scales as the sound penetrated through him, drumming against his bones.

Zoltar glanced over at Hisster. His eyes were fixed on something ahead of them. Zoltar followed the direction of Hisster’s stern gaze. His heart nearly stopped.

Rising from the continually moving grasses were seven figures. Barely visible through the mist, the Ghost Talons seemed to float through the sea of gold before them, twisting through it like silver winged sea serpents.

Zoltar felt his scales raise as the Ghost Talons neared. They were so much larger than Hisster. Any one of them could take them both out.

He watched, his stomach churning as the seven Ghost Talons prowled over to Hisster, like cats sizing up a mouse before pouncing.

The Ghost Talons bared their fangs as Hisster edged back a few steps, shrinking before the dragons towering over him.

“I am the General Sidious of the Ghost Talons.” the lead Ghost Talon growled. He flashed his teeth again, displaying two canines curving from his upper jaw like sabers, “Why have you come here?” His eyes narrowed when Hisster hesitated.

Taking a deep breathe Hisster spoke “We’ve come to see your chief. We need his help. We would pay.”

“Pahh,” spat Sidious, throwing back his head, “and what makes you think we will help you? Do you know what we do to outsiders?”

Two Ghost Talons stalked behind Zoltar while the rest positioned themselves on either side of Hisster and him. Sidious remained in front, smoke coiling from his snout.

“Yes sir,” Hisster stuttered, his eyes showing a glimmer of panic, “But we’d give every last bit of jewels, gold, and silver, anything valuable we have. We’d do anything to get out of the Shadow Lands.”

“Really,” Sidious drawled, his eyes suddenly taking on a new light, “Krakatoa might be interested after all,” Sidious smiled, his wickedly sharp teeth shining. “We best go see him then.”

Zoltar jumped, his heart leaping into his throat as Sidious roared an order to march. The battalion move forward as one, the Shadow Talons forced to match the pace of the Ghost Talons.

The grass parted like water as the dragons waded through it. Dust kicked up by their claws coated Zoltar’s lungs, causing him to cough and splutter. What was Hisster planning on giving the Ghost Talons? They didn’t have a lot of gold and silver left since the volcano had destroyed most of it and they didn’t have any food. The Ghost Talons didn’t look like they wanted or needed anything from them. They’d only agreed to take them to the chief after Hisster had let on how desperate they were for help. The Ghost Talons must have something else in mind other than simple gold and silver, otherwise they would have let them see the chief before the plea for help.

Fear gripped his heart in cold talons. The only thing they could offer the Ghost Talons was their land or their very lives. The Ghost Talons couldn’t want the Shadow Lands with its volcanic ground and barren wastes.

Were the Ghost Talons planning to swap they’re services for Shadow Talons? The whole Shadow Talon tribe was starving. They could barely walk out of their dens, let alone work for the Ghost Talons as slaves. Zoltar shivered. He couldn’t bear the thought of what might happen to those dragons.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. How was being worked to death by Ghost Talons any better than waiting to dye in the Shadow Lands? Maybe Hisster would consider turning down the Ghost Talons offer if it meant exchanging Shadow Talons for help.

Zoltar gritted his teeth. What if he did turn down their offer? The Ghost Talons were far from the most hospitable of dragon tribes and a turn down of an agreement could cost them dearly. Even now they couldn’t turn back. Surrounded by a pack of Ghost Talons, there was no way out. They were trapped.

After what seemed like hours, the Ghost Talons in front ducked into a large tunnel. Zoltar could now see why they hadn’t seen the entrances before. It was hidden from the air by grasses sweeping over its mouth and the mist hid the rest. For all he knew there could be hundreds of these tunnels, hidden from sight by the haze.

Deep rumblings echoed from the darkness ahead as the Ghost Talons lead their company into the depths. Zoltar shivered, his nerves pumped with adrenaline as he was lead forward.

The light from outside grew smaller and smaller the deeper they went until finally not a trace of light was left. It was pitch black and even Zoltar’s nocturnal eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness. Thick silence clothed the group with only the occasional scrape of a claw on the dirt floor and the distant rumblings to break it. All around him the stench of death clung to his snout.

They finely reached a room after a few prolonging minutes. It was small and lit by a few fire stones, which glowed dimly in the dark like red dragon eyes.

As Zoltar slowly scanned the area his eyes caught on a huge, dark figure standing in the corner. His heart jumped into his throat. The figure’s eyes were like burning pools of crimson flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room, a raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever.

Zoltar stood there parallelized, wanting to run and yet unable to as the balls of flame scanned over them, jumping from him to Hisster.

Sidious stepped forward, his head bent low, his wings spread, “Your Greatness. I have brought these Shadow Talons. They wish to speak with you.”

The figure in the corner stepped into the dim light. Zoltar let out a quiet gasp. It was a Ghost Talon, but not like the ones he’d seen. Everything on this beast of a dragon seemed to be more formidable than the other Ghost Talons. Muscles rippled under its silver scales as the dragon walked. Its frill was like a great shining crown and each of its paws had six glinting talons unlike the normal five.

The Ghost Talon glared at them, his gleaming eyes narrowing to menacing slits and growled in a deep rasping voice, “I am Krakatoa, leader of the Ghost Talons. Why have you come here?”

“We need your assistance in a takeover, your majesty; The Wisp Talon tribe. We wish the take over their island, but don’t have the dragons needed. I've heard that you provided these services in the past,” Hisster replied in a cool voice, but Zoltar could see that even he looked nervous from his tail’s cat like twitch.

“Mmm that we did, but it was always for a high price. That has not changed Shadow Talon. What will you pay us in return for the favor?” Krakatoa advanced slowly forwards, never lifting his burning eyes away from Hisster's.

“We have treasure, lots of it,” Hisster answered in a slightly more panicked tone. He took a step back from the mountain that stood in front of him.

"Treasure!" the Ghost Talon spat, throwing back his head and barking a loud laugh. "I don't want more treasure, I want something more valuable," Krakatoa growled as he stepped into the shadows once more. He picked up some sort of tablet from behind his throne.

"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire," he demanded, eyeing the slightly panicked look that crossed Hisster's face, "It was our source of power. So if you want us to kill these Wisp Talons for you...you must bring us the Ruby of Fire," Krakatoa hissed, his forked tongue slithering out from between his fangs, "It's up to you. I will accept no other payment."

Zoltar felt a wave of panic pass over him. The Ruby of Fire. He’d only heard of it in legend and had been thankful that it had only been a myth. Could it really exist and if so did they really want the Ghost Talons to have that sort of power? It could be a decision the entire continent of Megalonia would end up suffering from.

‘So what?’ he thought. The rest of Megalonia hadn’t helped them when they’d needed it. Why should he care about them? All that mattered was wiping out of the Wisp Talons and getting their tribe safely to the island.

The Ghost Talons would leave them alone. They’d have given them what they wanted. The rest of the continent could just deal with what, if anything, happened.

"Okay. Okay. I'll get the Ruby. Just promise you'll get rid of the Wisp Talons," Hisster burst out finally.

Krakatoa flashed his teeth and pushed the stone tablet with words carved onto it into Hisster's paws, “Very well then. Give these things to the Riconra in the Peaks of Solitude. They will give you the Ruby, but only for these things. If you try and cheat them out of it...well..." He paused as if savoring the words in his mouth, "they’ll refuse you and we’ll destroy you and your clan…so don't try anything. Oh and one last thing. Don’t mention our name to the Riconra. It’s an act you’ll deeply regret doing."

Hisster nodded as he took the tablet and slowly back away from the towering figure.

The horde of Ghost Talons behind them parted, revealing a path back to the surface. Hisster hurried forward with Zoltar trailed close behind him.

“Shadow Talon!” Krakatoa growled as he emerged from the shadows, “Make sure you’re back by the first full moon next winter or your clan will suffer the consciences.”

...

Dark thunder clouds were rolling over the plains like the plumes of smoke streaming from the volcano in the shadow lands as Zoltar and Hisster emerged from the Ghost Talon tunnel. The dragons spread their wings and leapt into the air, the fine dust below them billowing up in the rush of wind from their wings. They rose rapidly, beating their wings in the effort the climb higher. Lightning flashed around Zoltar and Hisster as they sped home. Thunder boomed and torrents of icy rain battered their wings. Strong gusts of wind tried to hurl them out the sky. The ground below disappeared as they soared higher into the clouds, struggling to get above the raging storm.

Eventually after an exhausting fight, they broke through the top of the thunder storm. The sun was shining and the sky was blue as robin eggs. Below the clouds churned and growled like an angry sea.

Panting, Zoltar levelled out into even flight. He was drenched and freezing. Hisster looked the same as he glided beside Zoltar. In his claws, glinting from the rain, was the tablet with the list of things they needed to retrieve for the Riconra.

“Sir,” Zoltar started, “What’s the plan?”

They needed to one. They had only a few months to complete this task and at present he was the only soldier. Hisster would have to stay and manage the tribe. How he was going to accomplish such a feat on his own was a subject he was trying to steer clear of. He’d just have to give it his best shot.

Hisster sighed, “There isn’t really a plan. There’s only one thing we can do. You know as much as I do what it is,” he rubbed his snout as he looked at the stone slab in his claws.

Sighing again, he tossed it over to Zoltar, who caught it as it sailed through the air towards him.

He glanced at the words and froze as he saw the first line.

A Wisp Talon Scale,

An Ice Diamond

A Heated Nugget of Black Island Sand

He’d have to go back to Wisp Talon island.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review Review · Jun 16, 2020

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Alright a quarter of the way through book one. Phew!

First Impression: Ghost talons seem like a jolly bunch. Also Shadow Talons are starting to sound a bit wimpy but then I suppose that decision cannot be made without meeting the Ice Talons, Moon talons etc:- And we get a bit of a quest situation. I supposed that'll be the plot then.

So on with it,

The morning sky glowed a burning orange behind the clouds of ash streaming from Mount Mokewtu as Zoltar and Hisster emerged from the caves. A cruel wind screamed across the blackened wasteland, tossing up cinders and hurling them through the air. The smell of sulfur was so strong in the air that Zoltar could taste it.


Lovely description as always. Also Sulfur, I've smelt that before and I think you can taste that even if it wasn't particularly strong. That's one of the worst smells in the world.

After about an hour of flying, the landscape began to change. Grass started to carpet the ground. At first it was a few blades scattered across the earth, but soon there was just waving grasslands for as far as the eye could see. Tendrils of mist swept across the dull yellow hills, cloaking the landscape in a veil of shifting white.


This is like watching a movie. Your descriptions are just beyond words at this point.

He flinched at the pain the thought brought. He still couldn't believe she was gone. He was used to her being away from him for a few days between missions, but this time she wasn't coming back. She was gone.


Small typo.

Zoltar felt his scales raise as the Ghost Talons neared. They were so much larger than Hisster. Any one of them could take them both out.


Scientific Nitpick: I hope you plan on making these individual environments explain why the dragon types are so different from each other. Or it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense for these dragons to just be so large.

As Zoltar slowly scanned the area his eyes caught on a huge, dark figure standing in the corner. His heart jumped into his throat. The figure’s eyes were like burning pools of crimson flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room, a raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever.


Okay we have our big bad chief. Really good introduction to him.

The figure in the corner stepped into the dim light. Zoltar let out a quiet gasp. It was a Ghost Talon, but not like the ones he’d seen. Everything on this beast of a dragon seemed to be more formidable than the other Ghost Talons. Muscles rippled under its silver scales as the dragon walked. Its frill was like a great shining crown and each of its paws had six glinting talons unlike the normal five.


So this dragon has a genetic defect? Or is he a different sub species? Sorry for the science questions.

"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire," he demanded, eyeing the slightly panicked look that crossed Hisster's face, "It was our source of power. So if you want us to kill these Wisp Talons for you...you must bring us the Ruby of Fire," Krakatoa hissed, his forked tongue slithering out from between his fangs, "It's up to you. I will accept no other payment."


Several plot holes. If the Ghost Talons are so much bigger and more dangerous why can't they do this themselves? Also this is surprisingly quick. It's almost as if this Krakatoa dude was waiting for someone to show up and help them out. Was he? And this means you're Wisp Talon's not being able to barter and get the favor of the Ghost Talon's point moot. The list mentioned later would probably be significantly easier for a Wisp Talon to acquire considering that they seemed stronger.

The Ghost Talons would leave them alone. They’d have given them what they wanted. The rest of the continent could just deal with what, if anything, happened.


Sinister subplots detected.

Dark thunder clouds were rolling over the plains like the plumes of smoke streaming from the volcano in the shadow lands as Zoltar and Hisster emerged from the Ghost Talon tunnel. The dragons spread their wings and leapt into the air, the fine dust below them billowing up in the rush of wind from their wings. They rose rapidly, beating their wings in the effort the climb higher. Lightning flashed around Zoltar and Hisster as they sped home. Thunder boomed and torrents of icy rain battered their wings. Strong gusts of wind tried to hurl them out the sky. The ground below disappeared as they soared higher into the clouds, struggling to get above the raging storm.


Awesome depiction of the storm but I have to ask. There should have been a few warning signs before they landed. They can't have spent so long in the caves that a storm had time to just appear especially one as big as this one.

He glanced at the words and froze as he saw the first line.

A Wisp Talon Scale,

An Ice Diamond

A Shamar Feather

A Heated Nugget of Black Island Sand

He’d have to go back to Wisp Talon island.


And so it begins.

Well that's it for this review.

Overall: Liking where this plot is going. Looks like we have a long journey ahead of us and some good ol' fashioned questing. And I suppose it'll take him all three books to acquire these items? Maybe? Or maybe the next book is the Ghost Talons helping them fight off the wisp talons but then more surprises abound?

All silly speculation at the moment. I'll keep reading and reviewing after a bit of a break. I've made it a quarter of the way and I plan to read till Chapter ten at least before calling it a day.

Hope I wasn't too nitpicky in this chapter. As always Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

I hope I didn't repeat anything someone else already mentioned.

Stay Safe
Harry

Thank you again for yet another review.

You pointed out some good points in this chapter. When I go back to edit I'll make sure to include more information about why some dragon species are larger and other information like that.

As for why the Ghost Talons aren't going to do this by themselves, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait until the last book for an explanation. Won't say more than that. I'll spoil things. :D

Same goes for other questions such as why the Wisp Talons wouldn't make a counter deal with the Ghost Talons. All will be relieved in time.

Please do continue pointing out what seems to be inconsistent though as I might miss a hole and will need to fix it.

Your Welcome!
Ahh sounds like there's a lot to look forward to.
And I'll do my best.
Good luck in explaining those things!

User avatar
Necromancer14
Review
Necromancer14 wrote a review Review · Apr 24, 2020

Okay, I don't like the Ghost Talons at all.

Here's my review:

Okay, so this was quite... ominous, I guess. The Ghost Talons are very scary. I liked the plot advancement, though it really seems like the Shadow Talons aren't very strong after all, and I don't just mean because they are vulnerable right now. I mean like, first they were beaten up by the wisp talons, and now these "ghost talons" seem way stronger than them. I suppose I would have to see them up against some normal dragons, but "not actually that strong" is what I'm getting so far. As for descriptions, well, those were phenomenal, like usual, and you had enough this time, I think. However, you (like usual) missed a lot of commas, and like the last chapter, you made a lot of typos.

The morning sky glowed a burning orange behind the clouds of ash streaming from Mount Mokewtu as Zoltar and Hisster emerged from the caves. A cruel wind screamed across the blackened wasteland, tossing up cinders and hurling them through the air. The smell of sulfur was so strong in the air that Zoltar could taste it.


I really like how you start your chapters with such strong descriptions.

Zoltar sighed. He couldn’t see anything. Where were they? They must be around here somewhere.


When you say "Where were they?" it doesn't specify whether you are talking about the ghost talons, e.g. "Where are the ghost talons?" or whether you are talking about Hisster and Zoltar, not knowing where they were. Obviously you can tell from the context with a little thought, but you don't want your reader to have to be confused and have to stop and think about what you meant, even if it's sort of obvious, because it pulls them out of the story. It makes it so that they are no longer the characters anymore; they are a reader, reading the book.

He flinch at the pain the thought brought.


A typo; it should be "flinched."

Zoltar shivered as he walked up another rise. It felt like ants were crawling between his scales as the sound penetrated through him, drumming against his bones.


You definitely did a good job of creating suspense here.

like cats sizing up a mouse before pouncing.


I really liked this simile. It definitely put a picture in my mind.

Zoltar felt his scales raise as the Ghost Talons neared


Another typo, though quite minor. It should be "rise," not "raise." There is a difference between the two words. Raise needs a direct object, whereas rise does not. e.g. "I shall rise." "I shall raise myself." In your context, there is no direct object, so it's "rise." If you wanted to use "raise" it would be "his scales raised themselves as the ghost talons..." which is clunky and I wouldn't recommend writing that. I would just use "rise"

Yes sir,” Hisster stuttered, his eyes showing a glimmer of panic, “But we’d give every last bit of jewels, gold, and silver, anything valuable we have. We’d do anything to get out of the Shadow Lands.”


Though I still don't trust Hisster completely, this definitely reduced my distrust.

They finely reached a room after a few prolonging minutes.


Lol another typo it should be "finally"

Zoltar stood there parallelized, wanting to run and yet unable to


My final typo that I caught; it should be "paralyzed" not "parallelized." Though these are the only ones I myself caught just reading through, I would go over it to make sure there aren't any more that I missed.

"Treasure!" the Ghost Talon spat, throwing back his head and barking a loud laugh. "I don't want more treasure, I want something more valuable," Krakatoa growled as he stepped into the shadows once more. He picked up some sort of tablet from behind his throne.


I'm really not liking these ghost talons at all. they seem awfully sinister.

Dark thunder clouds were rolling over the plains like the plumes of smoke streaming from the volcano in the shadow lands as Zoltar and Hisster emerged from the Ghost Talon tunnel. The dragons spread their wings and leapt into the air, the fine dust below them billowing up in the rush of wind from their wings. They rose rapidly, beating their wings in the effort the climb higher. Lightning flashed around Zoltar and Hisster as they sped home. Thunder boomed and torrents of icy rain battered their wings. Strong gusts of wind tried to hurl them out the sky. The ground below disappeared as they soared higher into the clouds, struggling to get above the raging storm.


Super descriptive! I really love your descriptions.

A Wisp Talon Scale,

An Ice Diamond

A Shamar Feather

A Heated Nugget of Black Island Sand


I have a feeling they are going to have to visit a bunch of different dragon's homes...

Well, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.

Thanks for another review. I'll have to look through for those typos. Glad you got the sinister feeling from the Ghost Talons. :D

User avatar
JabberHut
Review
JabberHut wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2019

Hello again!!

OKAY. So my first thought here is what I mentioned last chapter, where Hisster has knowledge of these guys that Zoltar clearly does not. He would PROBABLY share that information with his soldiers, especially if he only has one left. So I wonder why it would be easier for dragons to find these Ghost Talons by foot? You'd think flight would give them an advantage! And how does Hisster know they ARE there and "just aren't making it easy"?

omg Hisster STUTTERED. Even HISSTER is losing composure?! o.o

I find it interesting that Hisster is practically begging for help from a Ghost Talon who isn't even the leader. I always figured Hisster was more stubborn, but it must be the fear of the Ghost Talons that's really messing with his head?

OKAY YEAH, ZOLTAR IS REFLECTING ON THAT. It's very strange! I wonder what's going on?!

I don't know much about Ghost Talons, but does volcanic ground matter to them? They seem rather... ghostlike. I wonder if their culture or preferred environment is significant and what particulars they require? And why are these guys so greedy? THEY SOUND EVIL. I'M WORRIED.

“Your Greatness. I have brought these Shadow Talons. They wish to speak with you.”


This seems a bit vague to me. If I were the leader dude, I'd be like "why are you hunting shadow talons? i thought you were patroling?" or I'd wonder if they were caught spying, caught trespassing, caught visiting. Like, under what circumstances were these Shadow Talons brought to me?

gosh, your dragon descriptions are just phenomenal. You make it look so freaking easy.

I don't know why I assumed Hisster had history with the Ghost Talons. Maybe he doesn't know as much as I thought he did? Is everything just based off what he's heard in rumors? Or perhaps learned in history class? I just assumed he had experience with these guys. Maybe he only had experience with the Wisp Talons, but never interacted with the Ghost Talons, like everything he knew about the Ghost Talons is based on legend and rumor. I don't know where I went wrong in my thought process. XD But I'm wrong a lot anyway, so I wouldn't be surprised I missed something.

omg the Ruby of Fire. So it was their source of power. Have they adapted since and don't need it? I wonder if getting this stone will empower them even more? Or can they not take out the Wisp Talons without it, like the Ghost Talons have survived all this time without needing it. Perhaps some ancient Ghost Talons once possessed this power, but it has since been lost, and now Krakatoa wants it for himself?

It also seems RATHER SUSPICIOUS that Krakatoa was ready with this offer, like he's been mulling it over for some time and finally found some sacrificial dragons desperate enough to do it. I DON'T LIKE HIM.

HA. THERE IS A CATCH. Krakatoa doesn't want them to mention him?! HA. SUSPICIOUS INDEED.

Overall, though, I feel like this negotiation went a bit too quickly. It felt very fast-paced. So either it was unintentionally written that way, or Krakatoa was SUSPICIOUSLY PREPARED FOR THIS MOMENT.

omg and there's a time limit too?!? I DON'T LIKE THIS GUY.

OHHHHH HE HAS TO GO BACK TO THE WISP TALONS. I absolutely LOVE that development. So soon after losing Nira and Scorpus, omg. This is perfectly toying with his emotions and I love it.

We have some MAJOR plot here, a mighty adventure ahead of us, and I am EXCITED.

User avatar
Lib
Review
Lib wrote a review Review · May 30, 2019

Hey feli!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review, as usual! But this is quite late, if I must say so myself. Oh well. Let's dig right in!

I love what's happening so far. You've given a nice introduction on the Ghost Talons, which is magnificent. And, to be honest, I think I like Krakatoa. I dunno why. I find him... interesting, you could say. Also, I was thinking something totally different would happen. I never would have guessed that this'll happen. Either you have very powerful writing skills or I'm very dumb for not already figuring it out.

That last sentence... Just... Wow. I feel so bad for poor Zoltar. But he has to do it for Nira, right? He'll do it. He'll pass. He'll come home with every single thing on that list. Oof. Anyways, with all that said, we shall move on to the next part of this review. :D

He flinch at the pain the thought brought.


Since you're using past tense in your story, don't forget to make this past tense, too! :mrgreen:

How was being worked to death by Ghost Talons any better than waiting to dye in the Shadow Lands?


These two words sound very alike, huh? Die and dye. Keep in mind that they mean completely different things. Die is like death and dye is like dying your hair any color. Ya know what I mean? I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to write the dye as in dye your hair any color word. Die would be the correct word here. :P

They finely reached a room after a few prolonging minutes.


Finely and finally definitely and I almost skipped it! XD But I re-read it and found out it wasn't the word it really needs to be. Finely -> Finally.

Strong gusts of wind tried to hurl them out the sky.


Hm... Do you think you're missing a word in this sentence? I think you are. In between the bold words, I think the word of would do good. :)

They needed to one.


I think a word is missing here too. But I don't know what one. Maybe get would suit the context? I'm not sure. You can decide it. After all, you are the one who created this wonderful book! ;)

That's it for right now. I hope this review helped in one way or the other. I also hope to get to the next chapter as soon as possible. You really have me hooked there! :smt023

Keep on writing!

And as always...

~Liberty500

Spoiler
And yes, I am indeed using small-caps. How do you like my new style?

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Toboldlygo
Review
Toboldlygo wrote a review Review · May 28, 2019

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! I'll get this out the Green Room and then go back and review the other chapters like you asked.

I've really liked what I've read of this story thus far! Most of what I have is nitpicky stuff, but after reading all chapters, I might add a comment after this with more thoughts.

In the line, "Zoltar sighed. He couldn’t see anything. Where were they? They must be around here somewhere," is Zoltar wondering where they are and that they must be around somewhere a thought? I would recommend putting anything that's a thought into italics so that we understand that clearly.

When you have Zoltar glance at the first line on the stone slab, you then have the entire verse written out. A "glance" implies that he's only looking at briefly, lightly, not really reading anything on it carefully or in detail. I think it would make much more sense to have Zoltar either read it entirely, and then narrow in on the first line, or for you to only include the first line. Personally, I prefer the former option, having him read the entire verse and then focus on the first line, but I think that it would also depend on how much you intend to use the entire verse later in subsequent chapters. I think it was a fantastic ending to the chapter, as well.

Very well written! I look forward to reading the rest of it in order!

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo

Thank you so much for your review. :D

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TropicalRain
Review
TropicalRain wrote a review Review · May 27, 2019

Hello again!

Let's get right to it.

This chapter was amazing. I can see everything coming into play, and Zoltar's emotions just makes it a whole lot better, his just acting on revenge for his wife, meaning his not seeing clearly. And I'm sure this isn't something he would normally agree to. But it just makes the story a whole lot better.
I really like the new dragon tribe! Ghosts Talons, oooo spooky. Your description of them was really good, it even had my skin crawling. Though I think I might have a better word to describe the leader of the Ghost Talons.
I think you should change powerful into formidable, I think it will give the reader a better idea of what the leaders like.
So if you do agree with me and change it then it will sound like this.

Everything on this beast of a dragon seemed to be more formidable than the other Ghost Talons.


Well that's all I can point out that could be fixed.
To me this chapter was worth the wait. I do hope you will post again soon, because I just hate being left in a place like this. Zoltar has to go get a Wisp talon scale, things could get bad. So I really want to read the next chapter, so best of luck.

TropicalRain.

Thank you so much.

Also, good word choice. I like it a lot more. I'll change it.

Also I must add a big thank you for reading each chapter of my story like this. :D

I'm glad I could help you out.

I though that word was rather fitting, so I'm glad you liked it.

No problem. I love your story, and I'm glad I started it from the beginning. You're a very skilled writer, and I'm getting a lot out of your writing. And it's helping making mine better.
Also I always think you should start a story from the beginning, otherwise you don't know what's going on.



It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer