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mothmen

by ellasnotebook


The tall grass beckons.

I feel a whim,

and the stars are shining above us

they shine and glisten above us-

I feel the bugs under my skin.

-

The bonfire repels us.

We are moths,

and we flit and flicker closer

the flames flit ever closer-

Neither one can cross.

-

I want somebody's arms,

a cradle to surround me.

To hold me gently tightly

whoever, softly tightly-

It's dark.

We cannot see.

-

So hold me,

just for now.


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Mon Oct 15, 2018 10:10 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



heya, ella. This is Casanova dropping here for a review. Anyway, onward.

Okay, so let me start with the basics. When it comes to Poetry, the I, first person narration is one of the hardest to actually do well. I feel like you had a good idea here, but I don't think it was executed properly. I'll get to that soon, anyway.

Another thing that I noticed was the stanzas themselves- they were full of listing actions instead of actually describing anything. And if there's one thing that I've learned about poetry, it's that description can make or break a poem, and that's another thing i'll talk about.

The last thing I noticed was the repetition plus the flow of the poem. Tightly twice in one stanza, in flowing lines... And then the flow itself of the poem. Anyway, onward.

I think you took an I statement and just left it there- there's nothing really for the reader to do with it, and then you switch to a we statement almost all the way down, and I think that chopped it up into bits and just left it on the grill to simmer. You're simmering now, you can turn the heat up on your narration and cook or you can just leave it there to get cold. Depends on if you're hungry now or not.

Now, the description. You really don't have many metaphors, if any, here. It's all stated as absolute- and that's one thing that can ruin a poem. Not being poetic, basically. And it does urke me but that's just my personal preference. Anyway, onward.

The flow seems sorta choppy whenever I read this allowed, and it wasn't the good sorta choppy where it brings suspense- it sorta just laid there. And then the repetition just killed me on that second to last stanza- it really didn't leave my mind any room to wonder.


Overall I'd love to see this expand, but it's your choice to eat or pass the plate.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

Sincerely, Casanova




ellasnotebook says...


Thank you for the review! This was really helpful (:



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Wed Oct 10, 2018 5:37 am
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alliyah says...



I enjoyed this poem ella - the soft imagery at the beginning, the metaphor of fire, and then the emotion and longing at the end were well done. I also like the slight confusion when I get to the word "whoever" and realized that the speaker isn't even directing this at a specific person, but just anyone who might offer some connection. I wanted a little bit more of the bug/moth imagery worked into the third stanza - but overall, this is a well executed idea.




ellasnotebook says...


Thank you! I'm glad you liked it (:



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Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:18 pm
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @ellasnotebook I am here to do a review on your work.
description
Okay I think that the description to this poem is really good, you have some really good was of describing things. I can say that you said two words a bit to much and I will go through that when I get to it.

I feel a whim,
I am not really shore of what your saying here, were you trying to say this, I feel like a whim, because I do feel like that needed another word there.

Word that have been said a bit to much
and we flit and flicker closer

okay and down here is the won that goes with it?
the flames flit ever closer-
see you said flit twice here, but it would have been okay if it was said again with some other lines in between it, also I will give you some suggestions for other words for that.

To hold me gently tightly-

[quote]whoever, softly tightly-[quote]
there you go you did it with tightly as well, but it would have been okay if it was said again with some other lines in between it, also I will give you some suggestions for other words for that.

Suggestions for the word flit
fly
flutter
dart, that is all the suggestions that I have I hope that helps you a bit.
Suggestions for the word tightly
Firmly
Strongly
Closely
Securely, that is all that I can Suggest. So that is all that I can say the rest was good. I hope that this helps you, Keep up with the good work.
@EagleFly out to seek and kill




ellasnotebook says...


Thank you for your review!



Dossereana says...


you are very welcome. :D




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