I am haunted by a skeleton,
strange, he follows me.
He wraps his arms around me
his iron grip astounding,
a corset of mortality
and everything I cannot do.
-
I am haunted by my regrets
the dead, the gone, the dying,
they follow me and wrap their
whispered words around me.
In a cloak, a cloth, a dress,
a corset of suffocating conversation-
-
Please someone save her.
she’s spacin’
heart racin’
what's wrong with this chick?
-
I am haunted by a skeleton,
strange, he follows me.
He clamps his hands over my mouth,
so I can never speak.
I’ve found I prefer the dead and dying,
to the people close to me.
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Hi ellasnotebook!
I really enjoyed reading your poem; it felt very achey to me, which I think is one of the emotions you were trying to extol from your audience - so bravo!
I adored the way you likened the skeletons' grip to a "corset of mortality." It was easily my favorite line. However, because you used the corset metaphor again, this time as one of "suffocating conversation" it seemed to take away from the initial punch. I understand that you're trying to convey just how many things are tightening around the character - how completely strangled she's feeling by all of these regrets/mistakes, but for me the language got too repetitious.
The only other comment I had was about the italicized stanza. I like the idea of a third party, looking in on the main character and wondering "geez, what's wrong with her?" (at least, that's what I assume is happening here?), and it makes sense that the language would switch from the regular prose... but it seemed too stark a contrast and it broke my concentration from the flow of the work itself.
Hope these comments were helpful! You have a great sense of how emotions and words interact with each other - keep writing
Thank you for the review!
I really love this poem!!! It's so interesting to read because the skeleton represents something bigger- like pain, grief, or death. But I do wish it was more clear as to what her regrets are. Because she is obviously pained from her way of life, but I do think it would help the reader understand just how much pain she is going through if it was described a little bit more. I know this was a bit critical, but I hope it helped!!
Thank you for the review! I appreciate the fact that you are critical, it helps me learn
Hello there, Ella! When I first read this I wasn't sure if I wanted to review it. Then I looked back at it and decided 'why not'? Hopefully you will find this review helpful!
My favorite stanza is the second one. What sold me was the use of figurative language. The speaker was also not as direct; it was switched up with 'I am haunted by my regrets'. I've read that many times in writing but I think your take on it with the imagery was quite unique. I actually was interested with the skeleton idea; it was creative. Usually you will see a writer use 'I am haunted by a ghost'. Because, well, that's what they're known for, I guess.
I think what really catches me was this skeleton guy. He doesn't seem to be known to the speaker, yet I am left wondering of who he is? Is he just a stranger? If he haunts the speaker, is he someone from their past?
I'm not all for this line. The comma used to pause between "strange" disrupts the flow, in my opinion. The wording is also awkward. Skipping from "strange" to "he follows me" is weird; they don't go together. If you really wanted to keep the wording you could always resort to a semicolon, though that still would create a pause in the line.
My least favorite stanza was the third one, in italics. I'm assuming it's the view of others (people in general)? It's the least figurative and poetic -- compared to the rest of the poem. It's just weak and I think it could use some tweaking in order to bring it to it's full potential.
Are the dead and the gone the same?
This could just be me, but the message you are trying to portray is slightly confusing. I get what you're saying, but who are the people close to the speaker? The dead and the dying? And where does the skeleton fit in with all of this?
Here, the wording trips me up. I get what you're saying with "astounding". Sure, his grip is impressive. But by saying that, it almost hints that it's positive? Maybe use some other words or lines to show the negativity in him.
Overall, this poem proved a powerful message. I've honestly seen it a lot in poetry but I thought your take on it was interesting. I would definitely work on that one weak stanza. It could use more imagery, seeing as it is more of thoughts or dialogue rather than descriptions of the skeleton. Almost like it is telling, not showing. Just keep that in mind.
This topic was relatable. Everyone has regrets, for sure. It's nice that you are descriptive yet also generic so the majority of the audience can relate. I liked the simplicity of this. It was unique. Thank you for sharing this! I hope my review helped and if you have any questions please do ask!
Thank you for the review! It did help a lot. The third stanza definitely has a lot of problems, and I'd almost considered cutting it altogether. I kept it in to see what others would say about it. Again, thanks for the advice!
Your welcome! Glad this review helped!
Hey Im just gonna leave a review here. You are really good at poetry! I love reading all of them and seeing your take on things. This is probably just me and not being able to read right but I didn't get much of the rhyming other than that one paragraph:
Please someone save her.
she’s spacin’
heart racin’
what's wrong with this chick?
BUuut other than that... this is a good poem that you written. I hope you write more so I can read it.
Thanks friend <3 I appreciate the review