Young Writers Society

Okay I liked your sailboat poem so much that I'm looking over a few more of your poems... you're a really talented poet ella! I love your style, please post more! XD

This one is absolutely haunting - I'm not quite sure how to interpret it - and I would really love to hear what your intention was writing it!

Interpretation
The poem's surface meaning seems to be told from the perspective of a carousel pony who is sick of their cheap existence for the thrills of others. It's great because there's this uncomfortable tension between what a reader expects to read in a circus poem (whimsy, joy, junvenile dreamy care-freeness) but then in this poem we encounter a mature sickness/sadness/disillusionment.

Trying to dig into the metaphor a bit more of what in the world the carousel pony is a metaphor for I had a couple thoughts.

The poem could be a capitalist critique - because of the emphasis on transaction - the message being as kids we think that the world is this lovely circus we pay for, but when we become objects of capitalism (ie. employees) the beauty of work is diminished and we become bored cogs in a system that we can escape, existing only for other's to use. The most haunting line taking this interpretation would be "there is a slot for people like you / quarters are no match for bones dear" -> the "slot" thing could be about class systems that we can't escape. And the quarters might be about how our bodies become bound by dollar amounts even to the detriment of our well-being - until we become disoriented/dizzy by the messed up turn around values that have been assigned to our lives.

There were definite aspects where this poem asked to be interpreted as the speaker not being a pony; but a person. There were a few lines that I think could have implied an intimate encounter - ie. 'velvet at my bare back" & "there are pockets in my hipbones that are meant to keep hands warm" those both evoke an image of close proximity and maybe intimacy between two individuals. Maybe within this intimate connection they feel like they lose their sense of self (ie. "we are nothing nothing"). And yet the speaker sees themselves as an object but longs to be something "real" (that could eat cotton candy, be unglued etc). - in that way the poem could be a reflection on a person who feels their body is just used for enjoyment/usefullness for other people and wants something more real. The "tub water" image is especially interesting because that one doesn't apply to a carousel animal, so forces the reader to see the speaker as a person for a moment, and implies that the speaker feels dirty? in need of cleansing? In this interpretation I have a hard time connecting all the threads of meaning into one concrete narrative - but there's still good stuff to think on.

Praise
Your capitalization / punctuation were all perfect here, no issue at all - for a poem about being "disoriented" I think the poem ought to feel a little jumbly/jumpy - so your usage of enjambment was well-placed. The only place I personally might change anything would be perhaps a question mark after "whimsical isn't it" to highlight the sarcasm/questioning attitude - but it's not necessarily needed, just my preference.

I love the way you created tension between the "circus" images and the sarcastic/disenchanted rough images -> it made the poem really interesting, and I can confidentially say I've never read a poem using this image as its metaphor.

Love, love, love this line, "there are pockets in my hipbones that are meant to keep hands warm" - it evokes that thing girls often say when their dresses have pockets; bragging about utility! And then to say "Hey guess what my hipbones have pockets" - is a twist uncomfortable turn, because instead of it being useful for "me" it is useful for "someone else" - and I think that's an uncomfortable way to think of bodies as just an ends to someone else's usage, but it is sometimes how our society treats especially women and other laborers.

You've got nice usage of repetition with the word "disorienting" at the beginning and then at the end; which perfect makes the effect of making the poem feel "full circle".

You've got great specificity in your imagery and I like your balance of movement and description too.

Critique
I don't have a lot of critique for this poem - I don't think it is as clear as the sailboat poem (though I disagree with Atlas, and would say this poem does seem to have an implied moral -> ie. it is denigrating to use people as objects / the "circuses" or places of fun and levity often have a dark underside.

I mentioned earlier that I had a bit difficulty putting all the poem's threads into one solid narrative. I think part of the problem is you've got a few of these one liners where I'm just like @_@ oh WHAT?! WOW! and then you move on without expanding. For instance, "there is a slot for people like you" -> I could interpret that to death in a million different ways, but I would love you to interpret it a bit more for the reader, give us a bit more direction on where to take that!

After reading this poem and your sailboat poem, I am seeing you have a very distinctive style of breaking up lines - where you seem to purposely use a blend of very long lines and short tiny lines - to emphasize meaning in different ways. I still think this ends up making the poetry feel a bit random/unintentional (even though I know you've put intention into it) - does that make sense? Like if I read a whole collection of your work formatted like this, I'd go "oh I see what she's doing, yep, that's how you do line breaks" but if I'm reading just one poem, you're risking the reader thinking it's random/unedited/unintentional/sloppy. Maybe instead of the really long lines you could group those thoughts with parenthesis? Or stick to your guns and think of your poetry as a collection rather than just one off pieces. Hopefully that makes sense!

Overall
I really liked trying to interpret this piece, if you have a moment, I would love to hear your intention in writing it if you'd be willing to share.

I think you've got a solid central image and great usage of language. Keep on writing!

- alliyah

Hey, Little's here for a review!
Starting off with the negatives, there are a few grammatical errors. You've fragmented multiple sentences unnecessarily... So be careful of your use of commas!
Some parts are just a bit vague. Like the last stanza.
That's it!
Meanwhile, I loved your vivid descriptions and the minute details of your poem! I especially liked the third stanza, where you talk about cotton candy and dirt

Well, that's all for now! I really enjoyed reading the poem, and I hope to see more of it around!

Good job on depicting a carousel in metaphor! I think something that could be revised is the last stanza, which to me is kind of vague and detached from the rest of the poem. For your line, "Whimsical, isn't it", I think you could add a question mark to make it more of a question.

Something that I mentioned to another writer about their poem is the absence of moral/message. A lot of the time poetry doesn't need a moral if it is written for the purpose of simply describing something, but I think sometimes it can be made more meaningful if there is a lesson or a moral in the poetry... but that's just me, I'm a bit of a romantic when it comes to poetry. Overall, I like it.

And if you want to publish your poem or something, I would recommend going over the poem and making punctuation/capitalisation edits for formatting sake, but there's really no need for it if you just want to keep it for yourself.