Tiny needles prick her
yellow bloated skin
as she sits in the dark
cold and
dead
The tiny black bodies
infest her rotted corpse
and they hatch in the dark
small and
plump
Foul arachnids fester
in her lips and empty eyes
giving life to a fear
old and
deep
Fearful they hide in
the dark and feed on her
life born into a dead girl
stone and
teeming
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Hello ellasnotebook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Tiny needles prick her
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
yellow bloated skin
as she sits in the dark
cold and
dead {oh I love this stanza}
{add a "--" here to separate stanzas}
The tiny black bodies
infest her rotted corpse
and they hatch in the dark
small and
plump {...ew}
{--}
Foul arachnids fester
in her lips and empty eyes {okay. not a good thing to have as active of an imagination as I do}
giving life to a fear
old and
deep
{--}
Fearful they hide in {the dark}
and feed on her
life born into a dead girl
stone and {stone???}
teeming
My interpretation:
this is about depression and giving life to it???? I honestly was pretty confused. I enjoy it nevertheless.
Overall:
Two words: Disgusting. Horror.
You nailed that.
I loved it.
Great job.
I'm too lazy to write more. Keep up the great work!
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
As someone who has intense arachnophobia, this was horrifying. Which is exactly the way you want someone to feel when they read a horror piece like this. Holy cow man I can feel the spiders crawling up my arms while I'm reading this. it gives you the certain type of unease you want to feel at 4 in the morning when your looking for a good scare. spiders are nasty little creatures, I'm going to go spray myself with lemon now (spiders hate lemon). I applaud you on you skills of unease. keep writing my friend
Well now I know that lemons are a thing I can use time to go sprinkle my entire house with it thanks
Well, you managed to creep me out, and I'm not even afraid of spiders! Really good use of imagery and the structure was dead on. Maybe try and avoid using repetition of a specific word (in this case "tiny") in a short period of writing, but overall pretty good poem.
Thank you! You aren't afraid of spiders? You should be.
< hahaha jk
Thanks for the tips on repetition, I'll need to go back and fix that!
Thanks for sharing this macabre, utterly disgusting description of a human female’s cadaver being devoured by arachnids and reminding us of our own possible future once we croak. If the purpose was to engender a sense of disgust and sadness, it worked in my case.
Actually, the poem itself tells us that engendering fear via a foul description is the poem’s purpose.
Of course as reader I wondered why the author would want to arouse such sentiments to begin with. I mean, there are so many beautiful things to describe meticulously such as waterfalls, mountain ranges, forests, flower gardens, beautiful women in the bloom of youth, the playfulness and innocence of children, the fascinating endlessness of a star-studded night sky etc.
But I guess that is beside the point. All things are open to poetic description and the gruesome are no exception.
suggestion
Using a synonym for “tiny” would avoid a repetition.
Punctuation would improve readability and understandability of the concluding stanza.
Thank you for the review! It is one of my darker, weirder poems, I agree.