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by ellasnotebook

I’ve never seen a memory as a tangible creation

the desert does things that drugs cannot

you’ll see moving pictures in the hot

you'll boil in frustration

and you can’t not

the desert feeds off of our fixations

I used to think we were paper people but now

I think we’re dehydration and heat waves

we’re all memory slaves

our words an empty vow

thought the thing our body craves

the only torture it will allow

I saw you in the indigo hours

a fleeting silhouette against the land

I tried to take you by my hand

you wilted drooping like a flower

your image sinking slowly into the sand

the taste left behind was gritty and sour

I’ve never seen a memory as a tangible creation

but I’ve seen your shadow across the moon

across the sun-kissed sand-dunes

you are my brain mutation

I cannot escape from you

the desert is a subtle damnation

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6 Reviews

Points: 66
Reviews: 6

Tue Apr 03, 2018 11:20 pm
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Winged067 wrote a review...

I really liked how there was a really good meaning behind the words! You have shown that there is a picture of "you" as if in the desert, or that you miss this "you" person who you must have been with for a while. There was a lot of details, and you set it together perfectly!

Even though you had a lot of details, it just seemed like it wasn't joyful at all. Sure, I could sometimes feel the heartbreak and the desperation, but you just kind of have to make it last throughout the whole story.

Overall, this was really good! You did a great job, keep it up!

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212 Reviews

Points: 575
Reviews: 212

Tue Apr 03, 2018 9:36 pm
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EverLight wrote a review...

1. What I liked
I liked the way you used the desert in this poem. I suits the title.
2. Vividness & Adjectives
One thing I did notice is that it wasn't very vived. It doesn't strik out. Maybe it is because of the word drugs. That messes with the way it flows. Also the use of paper people doesn't make sense either and that could be better said I think.
3. Overall and encouragement
Good work. A little more vivedness and you would have captured it all. So keep it up and you will have masterd it.

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle