I’ve never seen a memory as a tangible creation
the desert does things that drugs cannot
you’ll see moving pictures in the hot
you'll boil in frustration
and you can’t not
the desert feeds off of our fixations
I used to think we were paper people but now
I think we’re dehydration and heat waves
we’re all memory slaves
our words an empty vow
thought the thing our body craves
the only torture it will allow
I saw you in the indigo hours
a fleeting silhouette against the land
I tried to take you by my hand
you wilted drooping like a flower
your image sinking slowly into the sand
the taste left behind was gritty and sour
I’ve never seen a memory as a tangible creation
but I’ve seen your shadow across the moon
across the sun-kissed sand-dunes
you are my brain mutation
I cannot escape from you
the desert is a subtle damnation
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139,478 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I really liked how there was a really good meaning behind the words! You have shown that there is a picture of "you" as if in the desert, or that you miss this "you" person who you must have been with for a while. There was a lot of details, and you set it together perfectly!
Even though you had a lot of details, it just seemed like it wasn't joyful at all. Sure, I could sometimes feel the heartbreak and the desperation, but you just kind of have to make it last throughout the whole story.
Overall, this was really good! You did a great job, keep it up!
1. What I liked
I liked the way you used the desert in this poem. I suits the title.
2. Vividness & Adjectives
One thing I did notice is that it wasn't very vived. It doesn't strik out. Maybe it is because of the word drugs. That messes with the way it flows. Also the use of paper people doesn't make sense either and that could be better said I think.
3. Overall and encouragement
Good work. A little more vivedness and you would have captured it all. So keep it up and you will have masterd it.