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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Yes, I did know you can see static electricity in the dark.
Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend.
It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure it's true
by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this fascinating poem about someone who is unable to fall asleep and might be experiencing sleep-deprivation induced hallucinations. But the poem is not just simply about normal insomnia. It provides us with strong hints that there is another very important factor involved-illness. This is skillfully done by mentioning nausea, the ironic mention of flipping of coins to choose between sleep and sickness,. The mention of going back to sleep indicates that the person was awakened and that the awakening itself can be related to illness. Then finally there is the vomiting and leaving behind the blankets.
Now, as a reader one might attribute all this discomfort to just a mere hangover. But having experienced hangovers myself it doesn’t seem very likely. Perhaps an overdose of a hallucinogenic drug? Yet we have the speaker focusing on sickness, don’t we?
If indeed the writer wanted to lead us to the conclusion of hangovers and overdoses, then he seems skillful enough to have provided the reader with the necessary hints leading in that direction.
So my general impression is of an ill person who is hallucinating due to the illness itself or perhaps the medication he or she is forced to take.
The flow was pretty good considering all the liberties taken with punctuation. The imagery and the drama created via conflict was excellent and kept me reading.
[b]Suggestions]/b]
[D]id you know
....thunderstorm in between[.]
[I]sn’t it lovely...midnight hours[?]
[Nausea] and memories...[in] saltwater[.]
[I]flipped...head[.]
[Heads I’m] sick....
....porcelain shame[.]
[I]sn’t the night sick a game[?]
[April] air
[Then] 12:07 AM vomit
A very entertaining and fascinating read.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
1. What I liked
I liked your title, and your descriptions.
2. Detail & Adjective usage
No offense but I think you didn't use strong adjectives. It seemed dull and did not give off a strong enough feeling.
3. Grammar & Spelling
Not enough commas and apostrophies. I also think you need to capitalize that i to I.
4. Plot & Relatability.
What is this about? It almost seems as though you jump from one subject to another related one. I don't think readers will get your point what ever it is.
5. Over all & encouragement
Over all work on that vaugness and add in strong things.
Sometimes leaving out punctuation in poetry is a stylistic way of doing things, and leaving a hint of mystery in there is too.
Usually I do use punctuation, but as @manilla said, I used it as an artistic choice in this one! I totally get where your coming from though, @Katnes.