She is picturesque in the golden sun beams,
her cool gray skin flickering in and out of shadows
‘neath the waving, green boughs.
Her cascading hair tumbles lifeless in perfect curls,
frozen mid-flow like an icy river
caught in the winter season down the curve of her back.
Her smile is set on her unmoving face, her eyes
carved half asleep, her expression amiable and
pretty and perfectly resigned.
Oh, my Lady, never one more perfect than you
as ivy scales your pale thighs and the very branches reach
to touch your marble skin.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hello ellasnotebook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
She is picturesque in the golden sun beams,
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
her cool gray skin flickering in and out of shadows
{undern}eath the waving
,green boughs.Her cascading hair tumbles lifeless in perfect curls,
frozen mid-flow like an icy river {caught}
in the winter season down the curve of her back.
Her smile is set on her unmoving face, her eyes {are}
carved half asleep, her expression amiable and
pretty and perfectly resigned.
Oh, my Lady, {there was} never one more perfect than you
as ivy {scale} your pale thighs and the very branches reach
to touch your marble skin.
My interpretation:
um... is this just about a statue or is there something more to it? If there is, I can't see it because it's so subtle. That can go either way
Overall:
This isn't the strongest of your poems. Then again, this is one of your first ones, so that would make sense
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Welcome to YWS! Curious to know how you found it...
I'm here today to review your poem entitled 'The Lady Stone'
I wanted to know if the use of enjambment in your poem was deliberate. Personally, I found it quite annoying to read especially if there wasn't a specific purpose for it - I can't see it linking to a poem about a statue though. For example...
"Golden sun beams,her" Why don't you just start with her on the next line instead of adding it after the comma?
Also, why is there random capitalisation for the start of the new line? The flow would work alot better if you changed both of these things. Did you think it would look unorganised or out of place?
Other than those problems I've got to say this is an excellent poem. Effective imagery is underrated and underused in my opinion, but you nailed it. I could picture it so distinctly, 1 because of the originality of the subject/theme and 2 because of the suitable vocabulary used. I'm also glad that you didn't contrast what was already said with new imagery, meaning no contradiction.
'Her eyes carved half asleep' Probably my favourite line because it being so relatable to see in statues.
For a 14 year old, this is really good!
You should be very proud of yourself.
PenmanshipPriority
Thank you for the welcome! I found it because I was searching for websites for young writers.
The enjambment was completely unintentional - I don%u2019t know why I did it. I can see that it does add some serious flow issues, I%u2019ll definitely have to fix it. It just auto capitalized it as i went along. I never thought about it before, but I totally understand what you%u2019re saying now. I would never have noticed it!
Thank you for the review! I%u2019m glad you liked the imagery!
**gets offended**
I'm fourteen
Hello Ella! I'll be reviewing your work today.
Before I begin to suggest better alternatives and revisions I think could be made to this, I would love to point out your wonderful imagery! That's what was truly the cherry on top to this. It added a flair and the poem actually did come alive onto the pages as I read. One favorite section:
Now, the poem itself doesn't seem to need that much work. But, I do think format could do some paying attention to. It almost feels as if you were focusing so much on making the margins of this poem even that you didn't take into effect the cause of breaking apart the lines would have on the flow of the whole poem. It cuts of sentences, ruins the imagery, falters the flow. Maybe try repositioning and playing with the breaks in between lines?
In addition to that, you could step it up a little to something more advanced or improved in format. Believe it or not, but this can help the poem be more effective and powerful to readers!
This poem was very simple yet descriptive and packed full! It was fun to read over several times to dissect and I could take it in several more times, to be honest. I came into this not knowing anything about it and just hoping to review something, but this was a reading well spent!
Anyway, I hope you take my (little) feedback into consideration.
Out of curiosity, what inspired this poem -- just a statue you saw, in your imagination, etc? Thank you.
neptune
Thank you for the review! I definitely will look into different kinds of formats: I've been meaning too, but now I definitely will! I agree that the breaks between lines are awkward. It was just a statue I saw in my imagination, and for some reason I was in a poetry writin' mood
Thanks for sharing.
I like the mood of the poem which conveys a deep admiration for what the author considers perfection as portrayed in a stature of a female. I also like how her desirability is hinted at by portraying the braches as reaching for her thighs. The expressions marble skin and pale thighs as very sensual. Reminded me of Keat's Ode to a Grecian Urn where the beauty of the figures painted on it are extolled.
The only thing that caused me a bit of pause were the references to, grey skin, blank expression, unmovable face amidst shadows. Such imagery made the other imagery of her beauty have less impact on me because it tended to remind me of death.
Suggestions:
tumbling would go better with flickering
The sun beams brightly. The sun’s sunbeams brighten the day.
Please note that an amiable, friendly, expression is not a blank expression.
There would be a better flow without the capitalization of every new line. It only served to confuse meaning.
Starting a new stanza after every period would be a better format.
[tumbles lifelessly]
Thanks for the review! I see what you%u2019re saying, I%u2019ll have to go back and fix some of the things when I edit!