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away

by ellasnotebook


the heaviness of the curtains

being drawn over the great windows of

my eyes

and

the rolling tidal waves

slipping in and out of consciousness of

the music

could

last

forever

But it can’t and it won’t and this moment is microseconds in the making so savor the sweet taste of typing this poem, Girl, because it dies as everything else.

and it is already faded away

away


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 5:20 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello ellasnotebook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
the heaviness of the curtains

being drawn over the great windows of

my eyes {and}

the rolling tidal waves

slipping in and out of consciousness of

the music

could

last

forever {Flow is weird for the last few lines}

But it can’t and it won’t and this moment is microseconds in the making so savor the sweet taste of typing this poem, Girl, because it dies as everything else. {Remove this line. It's not needed and is too long.}

and it is already faded away

away {strikethrough this like it doesn't want to be said}


My interpretation:



honestly? I don't really know what this is about. It has so many elements inside of it that I believe that there is no true answer to that question.

Overall:



I really loved it. Short and sweet. I think that this is one of your stronger poetry. Keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:58 am
StupidSoup says...






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54 Reviews

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Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:57 am
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StupidSoup says...



Very well written but lacking context and body.




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Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:10 am
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LakeOfCancer wrote a review...



This was very realistic, and I loved it! You know, you never expect someone to type a poem about how they typed a poem, and you never expect someone to like it like so many of us writers here on YWS! But this sorta thing happens, and that's what we call a miracle, also known as this poem! The one thing that I wanted to say was that the letters beginning new stanzas, they weren't capitalized, that slightly got on my nerves, but I'm sure it's nothing for you or anyone else to worry about, it didn't really distract me from the poem that much, otherwise, I absolutely loved this.

It's unique to find someone who is willing to write about different things and not be ashamed of it and not publish it. I'm glad to have found that person! It's you!!!!!!!!!!!:D Wonderful job my friend, keep up the fabulous work!




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Wed Dec 13, 2017 4:08 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this poem about the fleeting temporary nature of human existence.
I like the echoing effect of away-away, as well as the comparison of falling in and out of sleep to tidal waves and to curtains drawn over the eyes.

Suggestions:

I found the nonstandard punctuation distracting by causing me to wonder why it was written that way. That caused me to search for a reason. It also reduced readability by interupting flow.

....in the making [.]

....forever[.]

[S]o savor.... [Would go better as a next line. As it is, it extends the line too far to the right.]




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Wed Dec 13, 2017 2:36 am
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shusher wrote a review...



Whow. These line breaks are super good! You split all the lines up in a way that, "Savor the sweet taste of... this poem."

I can so relate to falling asleep in class and choosing to write a poem instead lol. My favorite part is when you move out of poetry, and into pros for a short second, for it was the most poetic.

I noticed that there's very few grammar marks in here such as commas, periods, etc. These would make the read a little bit easier.

I liked "faded away / away," but what about "faded away / ..." Using that last line to indicate a longer pause for fading.

Also, two areas you could use the 'tab' feature for esthetic poetry (I don't know what to call it, so I make up my own words... poetry. lol.)
1) "Slipping in and out of
conciousness of the music"
2) "And it is
already
faded

away."
Okay, I didn't use 'tab' I used several spaces to place the start of the phrase but... whatever.



Random avatar
shusher says...


ugh... what I was trying to do doesn't show, so here's a better example
"slipping in and out of
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,conciousness of the music"

"And it is
.....already
..........faded

...away"




Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown