A snow globe without the snow
this almost-state that I call home.
Out of reach-
Out of mind-
but still, rain falls
not snow
not wine.
This dangerous,
this happy time
it calls to me,
dark clouds divine.
-
It seeps into my bones and then
I am overflowed again
Safe and sound-
Safe and slow-
but still, rain falls
not wine,
not snow.
The roads begin
to overflow-
I could swim in it,
mud aglow.
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140,104 Literary Works • 673,009 Reviews
Heya, Ella. Casanova here to do another review for you. Anyway, let's get to it.
The first thing that I noticed was the rhyme in the first two lines. It's a near rhyme but it's still counted and I don't like the feel it gives off. Anyway, let's continue.
Another thing that I noticed was 1) Your imagery and 2)Your flow. Now let's talk about this.
Your imagery is just strictly listed here and I don't think that it's giving anyone any good just lying there. Here's my suggesttion: My around with it. Have fun with it. Think of something that relates to what you're talking about(thoughts, things, feelings, objects) that make you think of the subject you're trying to portray. Now take these thoughts and feelings, etc, and make them dance. Play around and use metaphors to make the reader feel what you feel. If this isn't to your taste then don't even listen to me, I'm just a critic. Anyway, onward.
The next thing is the flow, which relates to the primary one that I listed. Here's the thing. When you use short choppy lines,it really shows how the flow is. It sounds off, it reads off, and it really doesn't do the story any good. I would suggest reading out what you're writing and see if it would be good read aloud. If not, I would suggest trying to improve upon it, yet if you think I'm wrong you don't have to take this review to heart. It's no harm no foul.
Overall I see where you're going with this but I really want to see it do a dance instead of lie there. Flow and form, flow and form.
If you have any questions or generally need help I'm usually around, feel free to find me.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Thank you for your review!
Hi there, Carla here for a review.
Wow. This poem is really good.
I really like the rhyming scheme and the layout.
When I first saw the title I thought of a mudslide or something like that.
This poem is really catchy and different to others that I have read.
I like how you interperated (mind my spelling) different types of things into this poem like
1. wine
2. snow
I can't really think of any suggestions for this poem. Overall it is really good.
If you need any advice or anything, don't be afraid to ask.
Over and out.
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it