Oh, Father, how did you see
That Lady who razed the Faerie
Lands, and strangled all the Elves
In a fey and fell mood, who delved
Into the Dwarven mines of Moria
And chilled the Sprites in frost from Narnia?
.
How did you see the Vulture
Behind the Gorgon’s sculpture?
What ward protected your soul
From the smog of that vile ghoul?
.
Oh, Father, all has come to pass
As you foretold! But I must ask
How it was, that through the smoke
And mirrors of Her farce you broke
To spot Her spotted dress, she that
Champions beauty, and murders it.
.
See, Father, all the Elves are dead,
And the trees house no more Dryads.
All the Nixies have left the streams,
Storybooks, and children’s dreams.
.
Science, cruel Mistress, has wasted all
The Fae, stripped them of their Magic,
And rejoiced at Enchantment’s fall.
The beauty that Her eye is quick
To spot is that which ravages Life
And fills the world with ordered strife.
.
Dear Father, may the Elves come back?
Is all the Magic lost? Can Her destruction
Be reversed? Help, Father! She attacks,
And the sanctuaries have been abandoned.
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I like the idea, science stripping a way magic almost as if it were it's own kind of dark magic.
I don't think it was a wonderful idea for a poem, though I would love to see this written as a short story.
But that is just my personal preference.
You have some really good lines in the last two stanzas. My favorite being this one...
#And fills the world with ordered strife. #
Ordered strife, love that.
Keep writing!
DG
Hi!
To start off, I really like this poem. You have a nice handle on fantasy and narrative poetry. But there is so much going on in the first stanza that it’s hard to keep up. However, I think this works well with the genre that this poem is in because it sort of captures that “otherness” of fantasy. One thing I would suggest about the first stanza is to take at least one or two more pauses to let the reader really understand what is going on.
I love that the second stanza is only two questions because it really makes the reader think and slows the poem down enough that we don’t lose interest. Also, the implications of an accomplished person the speaker is talking to piques the reader’s interest.
The third stanza lost me. I like how you touched back on the phrase “Oh, Father…” but whatever it is that “all” has passed isn’t stated and it’s incredibly confusing. Not to mention that you continue on with a woman, who was clearly an obstacle that Father faced, but the phrasing of “To spot Her spotted dress,” is off putting as well.
I like the bit of explanation in the fourth stanza because it follows the mood change in the poem and really captures the world these people live in. I love the plot twist here because I’ve usually associated science and magic closely but here science unravels Magic and it ends up being their downfall. With that being said, I feel like this reveal is not quite as dramatic and impacting as it could have been. Perhaps you should have more specific events or situations in which science undid Magic and how these elves and Nixies are doing now.
Keep writing,
Dianne E.C.E.
Yo! Alvarin here to give you a quick review.
A typical sign for a good poem is me having to look up words in the dictionary. It means I find the poem interesting enough to want to understand all of it, and that the author has a good vocabulary, and this poem made me look up words in a dictionary.
As for the standard stuff, I think it flowed well and I couldn't find any nitpicks.
Now, onto what I found really interesting: The message of the poem. It's brilliant! I love the science vs. imagination theme you have going on here. I didn't understand at first, but then when I continued reading everything became clear. It's interesting, and I do recognize that longing back to legends and stories that I could convince myself to believe as a child, but I'm now to "logical" to even try. Science can indeed be a cruel mistress, deriving us of all the fun magic and beliefs.
Anyway, I think this was brilliant (I'm not sure how eloquently I manage to express that above, but I mean it), and if you write more things like this do poke me so I can read