Young Writers Society

Hi there,

So I liked the beginning of this, it was like we were following the speaker's train of thought and an instant connection was made with the speaker in that sense.

I also liked the way you described this fountain like it was a living, breathing thing. It was a refreshing change.

The only thing I would say, is that it felt sort of unfinished. It's got some great potential and you should utilise it. You should consider talking about the water, and the way it flows and moves around the centrepiece. Maybe even bring in a character at the end, and it's revealed that it's all from a little girl's point of view and it's the way she sees the world. I'm not sure, just an idea. But, it does have a lot of potential and it's really well executed.

I liked this here:

'Jumping and gliding and leaping'

You've not really used any punctuation, because it's a wild train of thought that follows the speaker's direct thinking. When we think, we don't tend to think in punctuation, unless we're planning something. Obviously, like you've demonstrated at the beginning, this poem isn't a planned piece of work. So naturally, it's going to reflect some sort of thought process.

It seems the more I read this poem, the better I like it.

Well done and keep writing, I really liked this!

H.L.P

I just really, really like this. There's nothing I can criticize, I'm afraid. The beginning is very whimsical and strange, and it stays that way. I have never seen a fountain portrayed like this, and I'll never look at one the same way again And I agree with rhia - the length is just perfect. Thanks for writing.

Jeez, for a "New Member" you're a lot more active than I am, and I've been here for a whole year! Good to see someone taking soooo much interest in this wonderful place. I find it amusing that you wrote this for engineering, probably because it's so good. It's not classical style, so I can forgive the fact that many of the lines are fragment sentences. There's no major grammatical mistakes or misspellings, which is nice, because I hate that. So very much. So very, very much. Anyway, you did a great overall job on this and I like it. As always, keep writing

Hm, short pome. Risky poem you have there, knight, but nonetheless a quite stunning one. Is got a really nice rhythm to it that adds to the light-heartedness of this poem. Also, I like how you've written it and chosen your language. Nice....

Wow, this in Engineering Class?

Nice, very nice! The poem is short and, strangely enough, quite uplifting. The poem's flow, though without rhyme, is exceptional! The word use is also amazing! I don't know why exactly, but I really enjoyed the part about the salamanders. Good imagery there! There is nothing I can criticize about this. Great poem!

~Cirute

oh, this is so nice. It sounds great, every word of it works so well together. It is so fun, with a nice little taste of whimsy. Also, great imagery! I had quite a funny little thought bubble of squirmy salamanders in top hats, chasing after their lady salamanders...I might just have to turn that into a drawing, Salamanders in top hats. Anyways, great little poem. And I'm sure someone's going to be all "It should be longer, it's too short, give us more". Well, I'm telling you now, don't listen to them. It is perfect. Short, sweet, and to the point.

But, I must wonder, why engineering class?