Young Writers Society

Hello

Interesting poem... I'm sorry if this is really personal and I'm not kind enough, but here we go.

I thought this is rather cliche. It reminded me of the classic heartbreak poem, many of which can be found here.

Become gateways to them.

Them? Who is them? It sounds like you're saying books and phones are gateways to books and phones. But after I reread it, I feel like you're talking about whoever you love or whatever, and that idea is reinforced later. My goodness. Just give them a pronoun (unless they prefer to be called "them" but even then, I'd tell you to make a sacrifice for clarity of your poem so that it's not about your person specificall). You don't need to make this applicable for everyone. You can change "them" to "she" and I, even though I am not romantically geared toward women, will still understand, and in my head, I will either replace "she" for "he," just in my understanding as taking this poem to myself as personal, or I will imagine someone else saying this about their love, which is tender too, as, for all I know, it could be about me. That second one is more likely, however, because I can't imagine myself saying this.
Wow. I hope that made sense. >.<

The think about your chest in the beginning is so cliche. I see it all the time. bleh. And also the eating and sleeping thing.

I've heard the thing about the "other half" a lot, so I'd like you to expand on that. You stuck a cliche idea in there, but it's a cliche idea that has room to be taken from cliche-ity to something better. Talk about what it would be like if you literally only had half a body, maybe. Or, if you have half a heart or something, wouldn't blood be pouring into your lungs or something? I dunno, make some nice concrete images in this! That's what makes poetry wonderful ^-^

I don't really like the part about books an phones and what they do. It seemed so abstract when it shouldn't have been, and I didn't derive much actual meaning from it. Honestly, if felt really out of place.

I like your rain, tree, and love lines a lot, actually, though (and this is me personally, which has nothing to do with your story), I would've picked something other than "sang" for rain, because then I get Gene Kelly in my brain. Personally I like to dance in the rain, because it makes more sense to dance that to sing on purpose in the rain. (But then I get Ricky Martin in my head singing Livin' La Vida Loca~)

...aand your last three lines read really cliche to me too. I've heard them lots of times before, and maybe I haven't heard exactly your last line, but of course it's called love sick because you feel sick. I've been really homesick before, and I could hardly function. Of course it is a disease, I'm just not sure why you've chosen to write a poem trying to convince us of something we already knew. Now, if you took a different approach on this, and told the story of how someone had to be admitted to the ER because of their lovesickness, that would be very interesting, and I would definitely read that. Taking a new approach on everything is how to write good poetry, in my opinion.

Anyway, I hope this helped somewhat.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis