What happened to the straight?
We got all bent
We got all dinged
We were twisted into hearts
Our hearts are scarred by nails
Our wrists by cords
Our arms by knives
.
What happened to the bold?
We got all crushed
We got all flat
We were powdered into blush
Our mouths are scored by nails
Our cheeks by fingers
Our necks by hands
.
We stood up straight
We stood up tall
Too tall
Not welcome anymore
Not curved enough to fit
Too straight
We have no place
We have to fall
.
Why is straight not a shape?
Older but not respected
Firmer but not honored
On the fire!
On the heat!
Melt away the tight-locked shape!
We fall away beneath the flood
Of curves and waves that hate
While claiming love
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
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RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
I love what this poem is about because it's EXACTLY HOW I FEEL okay calm.
I like the first stanza, no complaints.
I don't know what you mean by "scored by nails," in the second paragraph. Did you mean scoured?
I don't like the repetition of "nails," but I don't think there's a way around that.
I love love love the third stanza, no complaints.
I don't really get the last line, and I don't like that it's not punctuated but a lot of things go over my head (so don't worry about that) and if the lack of punctuation was your artistic decision, good on ya!
Overall, I give this four stars of five, because IT IS SO RELATABLE, because I always feel like my traditional values are now offensive to people whose values are more modern. Great job!!
Hey, dragonofphoenix! I'm here to try to review this piece, and hope to help you in the end!
I really like this poem you have written, and the idea behind it. I've noticed that it's now becoming wrong, evil, and "intolerant" to personally hold to traditional values, even if one is not openly rejecting others. *shrugs*
This is probably just me personally, but it bothers me that you used punctuation at the end of the first line of every stanza, but had no punctuation afterward. (Except in the last stanza.) It's up to you whether you want to go back and add some or not.
In the first stanza, you said, "Our hearts are scarred by nails", and then later in the second stanza, you said, "Our mouths are scored by nails". Those lines sound sort of vague to me, which is okay in poetry. I don't really think that it should be repeated, though, without making it clearer. I'd suggest changing one of the 'nails' to something else. If it were me, I'd leave the second one, since I attributed 'nails' to fingernails, and the rest of that stanza is talking about hands. But, that's me, and this is YOURS; do what you think is best! ^_^
I don't have much else to say on this masterpiece. Again, I really love the way you wrote it, and the stance you have on this subject. Wonderful job!
I'd love to read more of your writing. =) Keep it up!
Hey! XD
I am gonna start with a question.
What does 'We got all dinged' mean in this context? I don't really understand this line. However, the overall sensation of the reading experience is good and well structured.
'We stood up straight
We stood up tall
Too tall
Not welcome anymore'
The repetition of the first lines is good. And I like the way the enjambment is used in the other lines.
I would recommend using some more punctuation as opposed to just the exclamation marks because you could make stanzas like this read a lot more smoothly:
'We stood up tall
Too tall
Not welcome anymore
Not curved enough to fit
Too straight
We have no place
We have to fall'
But on the whole, this is a good piece.
keep writing. XD
~BSF