I sat down to watch the moon last night,
But saw a rainbow in the firelight.
I looked up and saw the sky was green,
And said, “Ma, what’s that unearthly sheen?”
She said, “Bubba, you’re in Kansas still,
So quit climbing on the windowsill.
Tornado’s comin’, so don’t fret your head.
Just clumb down and scurry back to bed.”
I slid down and trembled with delight
As I kissed my lil’ rainbow goodnight.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Hello there, I'm the Black Sheep.
Your work is very good and I hope you're happy with it. I think I only have one small conventions error and that's where you wrote Clumb instead of Climb. Maybe that wasn't an error though, maybe you were trying to twist the speech in order to create an accent. I'm not sure but I just wanted to point that out because U and I are close to each other on the keyboard. I get the feeling that there's a Wizard of Oz connection in this story but I'm having trouble following it. The poem it self is good, it delivers the appropriate mood to the reader and I'll be honest it made me smile, but your reader may have a hard time understanding the middle portion of the poem. Maybe it's just me though, I have been known to miss the obvious.
Either way I like it, it's a wonderful short poem and, forgive me because some people take this as an insult but I mean it as a compliment, it's cute. I really find it hard to read this poem and not describe it as cute which is a good thing. Be proud you've done a wonderful job with this piece.
Thanks for the review! The Oz nature is just an allusion, so recognizing it is about as far as you need to go (considering I've never actually read that book yet...XD). Yep, "clumb" was intentional. It's a dialect word.
Greetings dragonfphoenix!
Firstly I want to ask: Is this poem similar to the Wizard of Oz tale with Dorothy in Kansas with a tornado coming? (It looks similar in any case...)
Moving on to the review.
Firstly I would like to comment on your vocabulary. I can see from this poem that you have an excellent vocabulary, so there isn't much to say. There is one thing however that caught my attention. I noticed you wrote "clumb down" instead of "climb down", so I just wanted to clarify if you did that to create the Kansas accent, or if you accidentally made a spelling error.
I like the dialogue that you added in between, AND the way you still kept the rhyme in the process. Bravo.
I can't say much more other than excellent. I loved this adorable poem of yours. Therefore I will rate it a 7.0 out of ten. Sensational!
Sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard
Thanks for the review!
And I'm not sure if "clumb" is a Kansas thing or just Hoosier, but yes that was intentional for tone.
Well, it's more of just an allusion to Oz, but I can see why it'd feel similar with its sort of randomness.