Shoes

by dragonfphoenix

Published March 24, 2014

E - Everyone

In Poetry


My shoes are getting dusty.
The teacher finished, 
And I cleaned the 
Chalkboards and erasers
And trays.


My shoes are getting dirty.
The librarian had
A cart full of books,
And I put them on the
Right shelves.


My shoes are getting muddy.
The pastor’s van was 
Coated in grime, so
I filled a bucket and
Washed it.


My shoes are getting filthy.
A man at the airport
Was overloaded with bags,
And I grabbed a cart
To load.


My shoes are getting floppy.
With his small boy feet,
My son tromps around 
The house in those old
Worn shoes.


Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
BluesClues
Review
BluesClues wrote a review Review · Mar 25, 2014

Oh! That went a direction I did not expect, and it was nice.

Of course there's the fact that, in general, shoes only last maybe a year or so before you have to get new ones but who cares.

My only suggestion is--so at the beginning of each stanza the shoes get progressively dirtier, as shown by your word choice:

"dusty, dirty, muddy, filthy, floppy"

So that's a nice progression of, um, dirtiness. But! Sometimes the action that's adding to the dirtiness of the shoes doesn't quite seem to fit with the word you've chosen to describe the increasing dirtiness.

So like, "muddy" fits really well with the narrator washing mud off his pastor's van, and "dusty" fits really well the narrator clapping out erasers for his teacher. But it doesn't seem that putting away books at a library would make shoes much dirtier. Nor would helping a man carry his luggage through the airport (although maybe if it was raining and you helped him get his luggage from his taxi into the airport...)

So my suggestion would be to take those two stanzas and think of how you can better show the shoes getting dirty. Or you could go a different direction and show the care the narrator puts into them to make them last so many years, through so many actions. Or you could show the passage of time by showing the narrator wearing them in more adult scenarios, like at the hospital waiting for the son to be born. Whatever you want.

Blue

User avatar
Jokaly
Review
Jokaly wrote a review Review · Mar 24, 2014

Shoes
The poem is about people doing such good deeds, like helping other people. I noticed that they do all these even if their "shoes" are not clean and strong.
There are a few confusing things about the stanzas, for example in the first stanza, you used capital letters for every first word which actually doesn't make sense.
A lot of characters popup in my mind like a janitor, a student, a father or an angel like person. I couldn't quite get who that character was but I understand the meaning of each stanza.
Its an impressive poem.
Thank you dragonfphoenix!



History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte