I will cripple the world.
I will destroy the nations.
I will snatch the wealth.
I will kill the joy.
.
I will take away laughter,
I will leave tears in its place.
I will ruin body and soul,
I will return when unwelcome.
.
I will war against countries,
Cities, States.
I will ravage families,
Communities,… one person.
.
I will lie.
I will cheat.
I will beat.
I will thrive.
.
I will quench a beating heart,
And then a million more.
I will laugh at helplessness,
Those against me and for.
.
Oh, I will walk in grander terms
Than any would confess.
And I will wear a thousand faces,
And even more undress.
I’ll leave a trail of tears and pain,
Heartaches, and deeper too,
I’ll shred a womb, destroy its life,
To bear children no more.
.
I am a faceless evil—
Philosophy, no less—
Yet I will raze the nations,
Demon-doctrine blessed.
I’ll murder millions, then say,
“Not I.”
I’ll wear a million faces more
Until the day I die.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
I can see YWS is still parading around mediocre poems- perhaps if something of quality hit the spotlight it would cramp the whole YWS style then someone might have to try before they hit submit. Now, that would be horrible.
This is a list. I feel like I have to point that out. It is like you asked 'what are some cliche things a dictator or evil person could do?' Then you wrote them down and wala. Another thing; you are going to destroy THE nations? C'mon now.
1.
You probably didn't even proofread.
2.
It is very Cliche.
3. The whole poem just rambles, iterating the same concepts even uttering the same dull phrases. These phrases you keep repeating are either meaningless and unemotional or just plain random. The story rambles to a conclusion like a shopping list just ends. The broad concept of evilness is just the broad interpretation of societies understanding. What you providing as far as uniqueness?
I dunno, I just don't know anymore. I just can't help but ask why you are even writing if not to express anything of talent, uniqueness or emotion.
That was harsh! You could have given your opinions nicely.
While I can respect your opinion that there are many poems that need improvement on YWS, I feel as inclined as you were to point out my list that such is the point of YWS: to help writers improve. And what many literary critics consider mediocre works have often outlived the criticism to become classics.
In response:
Yes, it's a list. That was intentional. This is a narrator speaking. Orators know that lists are helpful for giving an audience direction.
1. I fail to understand why you're pointing those out as needing proofreading. They're written that way intentionally, and aren't misspelled.
2. Arguably every work has cliche of some sort. It's not the presence of a cliche, but how it's used, that makes a piece stand out.
3. Again, oratory technique. Repetition is often used to make a speaker's point either clearer, or more emphasized. And as for rambling, try reading T.S. Eliot.
Constructive criticism is the best way to help bring about the change you'd like to see on the site. Insulting writers and giving them very little helpful critiquing is counter-productive to your cause. And as a point of interest, when your review is riddled with more typos, misspellings, and grammatical mistakes than the piece you're reviewing, it can make it more challenging for those who receive your commentary to accept your statements. It shows a lack of finesse.
Harsh much...seriously you need like a temporary ban or something.
@Nate
oh my god I love trolls on this site. Their all so petty x3
"to help writers improve" -dragonfphoenix
You ask me to help writers improve and point fingers and add rules about how I am suppose to do that. I am helping.
"Constructive criticism is the best way to help bring about the change you'd like to see on the site." -dragonfphoenix
"That is what I am doing, sorry if it isn't "nice" enough.
when your review is riddled with more typos, misspellings, and grammatical mistakes than the piece you're reviewing, it can make it more challenging for those who receive your commentary to accept your statements." -dragonfphoenix
I don't care if I'm accepted. If writing grammatically correct is more important then the content then it doesn't matter to me. I write about points you CAN improve on, if it is not pretty enough for you to accept then don't accept it. Not write an entire paragraph about how you are correct and I am wrong, that is completely illogical as it is completely subject in the first place.
Also, how am I a troll?
And to give me a ban when I'm the only one telling the honest truth is kinda ridiculous - besides I'm protected under the community rules.
My point was and continues to be that you gave no constructive criticism. Part of the definition is offering suggested improvements.
You quoted lines and then made statements you didn't explain. Why do those lines say I didn't proofread? What's wrong with them? All I have is your opinion that you didn't like them, for whatever reason, with no clue as to why or how to improve them. My entire takeaway from your review is that you didn't like the poem. That's it. I'm less concerned with your bedside manner and more with the hypocritical stance you're taking. You want improvement, and don't give me any ways in which to improve, just "learn how to please you better with my writing." That doesn't help anyone.
No one's trolling, no one's getting banned. I'm still confused what you're honest truth is, but you're not breaking any rules. The comment section is designed to help offer suggestions about improving the work, not singling out any users for improvement with their charming charismas.
ok. I thought my suggested improvements were self explanatory. That is my error. Here you go:
1. proofread
2. try to be original
3. don't ramble iterating the same concepts especially dull concepts
4. try writing not listing
This is a nice way to show your opinions of abortion. I don't entirely agree with your point of view, but this poem helps people like me understand it. I really like the dark tone of the poem, it conveys your feelings about the subject. The structure of the poem- first person singular- emphasizes that you see abortion as being selfish. You have an extensive command of language, and a talent for description.
You know you're a good writer when you can manipulate syntax to subtly get your point across.
Well done! I hope to see more of your work.
aw christ, this was on abortion?
Things I liked:
It had character, and was a thrill. I like how you used proper grammar. I think that this poem shows the true evil of abortion.
Things I didn't like:
This poem was a little dark. It felt like you were into the piece a little too much. At first glance I thought that this poem was about something else, I forgot to read the description.
Thoughts:
This is a poem that more people should read. It was long but it was good. I hope that you keep writing about what matters to you. This piece was interesting!
Keep up the grate work!
the poem has been narrated good. the theme is destuction. the way u began the poem is good. it was a long poem but never did i felt it was too lengthy.
Okay, so this poem has so much truth about a topic I am very passionate about. I thin this poem you have written really spreads a realistic message that more people need to hear about. So how about I shut up and start reviewing yor peice
I am ver passionate about abortion, and I agree with most everything you said. I have done a lot of research in the past, and I have looked at both sides of the argument and I have to say that my mind has not changed. Abortion is evil... it always will be evil. And this poem really shows why.
I think that you have an insane talent when it comes to making a message powerful. You could've just said "abortion is evil" but you have made it a lot more impactful by what you have said. You have made your presence and perspective shown in sch a beautiful way. You have an amazing way with words, and that makes this piece so much more impactful.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and allowing others to see your view a d start to question this idea of abortion. I think that some people will look at this and question their views a little and think a little deeper into the topic. You have an amazing talent! I really liked those poem and enjoyed reading in your view point and seeing how they paralleled with mine.
Keep writing bro.
~#41
Hi there! ^^
Oh. I read the description line after reading the poem, and to be honest, I wouldn't have thought this poem was about abortion. Perhaps that is exactly what you were aiming for, to leave it open to interpretations, since this is such a controversial topic. However, after knowing what's the actual topic of the poem is, I realized how straightforward it was; you are standing by your point 'til the very end without hesitation. Because of this, I would reconsider being direct about who the narrator is (abortion).
On another note, when it comes to the rhythm and flow, my favorite stanza is the last one. Mostly because it is different from the others, it has variety within itself and it feels quite lyrical~ When I first started reading your poem, I didn't think it would end that way, because the first stanzas were so different; you were very repetitive at the beginning with the "I will" and sometimes that can give the readers a different impression of the poem, so I would go over them again. I can see potential in that one last stanza, so I would take it as a model for re-writing.
Other than that, I think you're one fine poet! So keep it up
-Solvy
*shiver* I agree about how awful abortion is! And this poem was pretty well written, except that sometimes it seemed to rhyme, but in other stanzas it didn't.
Also, in the lines "I will war against countries.
Cities, States"
I don't think states should be capitalized.
**
Do I have any other complaints? Not a chance! Great work!
Just dropping a review bomb...
Wow, just...wow. This pome spoke to my soul, and somewhat shattered my glass heart. I admired the way you structured this pome into sections, absolutely love that. Though, what would make it more interesting is if you placed yourself within this piece of art. It will not only give people the intention that you have experienced something like this but it will give people the intention that you are against it as well. This was truly inspiring to me. just reading these powerful words makes me think of different scenarios that this pome could resemble. That is when you know your writing is good.
Good work my friend, I hope to see more of you in the future. Keep up the fantastic work!