my heart pounds
golden sunlight pours
the chains tighten
the air is hot, heavy
squeezing my chest
i feel too warm
i lay back staring
its cold
music pounding, soaring
empty
chasing a high
blank
chasing a feeling
alone
something real
different
something strong
raw
the fan spins
my vision glazes
endlessly
glassy
the music pounds
loud
it soars
glorious
i lay back there numb
empty
waiting for feeling to arrive
change
for something raw
real
to sweep me away
far away
to lift me above into the sky
something new
break my chains
breathe
i lay back there
exhale
the fan spins
my vision glazes
round
roundround
roundroundround
roundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundround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roundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundroundround
roundroundroundround
roundroundround
roundround
round.
endlessly.
forever.
the music soars.
hollow.
i remain on the floor.
my heart pounds.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,960 Literary Works • 672,373 Reviews
Hey Canopy, I hope you are well. I never will claim to be an expert on poetry, but I have an ever-growing love of the craft, so I will give this a go!
First impressions[/b
I really enjoyed your poem. I have seen a fair few poems that try to use visual spacing to create a feeling, but rarely do I feel it works. It really worked here. The ways my eyes had to flit around, and the way the fan spirals up, then down, is very evocative of both the feelings you are trying to build, and of what it is like to watch a ceiling fan. Clever!
I am a sucker for solid themes, and my only sadness with this poem is that I do not necessarily leave it feeling like I learned anything new, at least, when it comes to the world or my place in it. Yet, it does not necessarily seem you are trying to do that, just communicate this specific human experience, in which case, that is done well.
[b] Into Specifics!
[Quote]
for something raw
real
to sweep me away
far away
to lift me above into the sky
something new
break my chains
[quote]
Wow, your masterfall spacing was destroyed when I copy and pasted, but anyhoo, you know what is supposed to look like. I really enjoyed this section. I identify with the characters' hunger for realness. To me, our narrator seems to be in some type of substance-induced stupor, but I do think this is all you're talking about - this is a well-done description of anything that dulls the senses, whether that be drugs, screens, distraction, addiction, or even self-imposed nihilism. I would say that the phrase 'break my chains' does take me a bit out of it. It is such a cliche idea that it felt hollow in this otherwise very dynamic poem. I would maybe change the imagery there.
Overall
I enjoyed the poem and thought it was a very well-done expression of senslessness. The almost dull panic is such an accurate view of how the inside of the human soul can feel at its worst moments.
As mentioned before would be interested to see you turn your talents to something more than expressionism, and to making bold statements that need to be made.
But that's all just my two cents. I hope the review helped!
Thanks and keep writing,
Andrew
Thanks for the review!
Wow you spent a lot of time on the 'round' part! It is very good, and describes everything very clearly. The only part is that I found it difficult to read, since the words are all over the place. Very creative, though! And maybe make the 'round' part a tiny bit shorter? You don't have to listen to me though lol. It is great! Take what you think is useful from this review, and just ignore everything else! Happy Writing