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Survivor

by brookeallo


I am not the person I once was. 

I'm not the little girl who didn't know about the cruel world. 

I found a quite place where I could write all the pain I felt on those long nights.

No one knows what I've been through and so they can't possibly understand,

that the brokenness doesn't leave just because the sun sets.

I'm sixteen and this is an age I never thought I would live too,

for when my body kept the bedroom door closed from all the havoc outside,

I wouldn't have ever imagined I would have made it out alive.


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Points: 14
Reviews: 4

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Wed Apr 29, 2020 3:47 pm
aeternum says...



I am not the person I once was.

(people changing is apart of life)

I'm not the little girl who didn't know about the cruel world.

(Losing childhood innocence is hard)

I found a quite place where I could write all the pain I felt on those long nights.

(We all have our own escapes)

No one knows what I've been through and so they can't possibly understand,

(The only way we can understand is if you communicate)

that the brokenness doesn't leave just because the sun sets.

(Yet the brokenness makes us who we are)

I'm sixteen and this is an age I never thought I would live too,

(People dealing with depression never do)

for when my body kept the bedroom door closed from all the havoc outside,

(I am sorry that you had to go through this)

I wouldn't have ever imagined I would have made it out alive.

(All in all, it was a great poem. It really expressed your feelings. I look forward to reading more of your works!)




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Points: 14
Reviews: 4

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Wed Apr 29, 2020 3:47 pm
aeternum wrote a review...



I am not the person I once was.

(people changing is apart of life)

I'm not the little girl who didn't know about the cruel world.

(Losing childhood innocence is hard)

I found a quite place where I could write all the pain I felt on those long nights.

(We all have our own escapes)

No one knows what I've been through and so they can't possibly understand,

(The only way we can understand is if you communicate)

that the brokenness doesn't leave just because the sun sets.

(Yet the brokenness makes us who we are)

I'm sixteen and this is an age I never thought I would live too,

(People dealing with depression never do)

for when my body kept the bedroom door closed from all the havoc outside,

(I am sorry that you had to go through this)

I wouldn't have ever imagined I would have made it out alive.

(All in all, it was a great poem. It really expressed your feelings. I look forward to reading more of your works!)




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119 Reviews


Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

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Wed Apr 29, 2020 1:32 pm
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Clairia wrote a review...



Hello there, brookeallo! I'm Clairia, here to leave you a quick review.

This was quite sad to read. Struggling through sadness of any kind can get to the point where it's almost unbearable -- I'd like to give my best wishes to you and/or the "person" highlighted in this piece. I sincerely hope that things improve and that you stay safe.

I'm aware that writing about inner conflict can be quite difficult. It's like exposing a part of yourself that you had done your best to keep hidden for so long. However, it's safe for me to say that I'm very impressed with what you've done here. I just have a couple of little nitpicks that I'd like to cover to help you improve your writing in the future.
Let's hop into critiques!

You have a few spelling errors, but those are easy fixes. Let me point them out for you:

I found a quite place

Here, "quite" is actually spelled quiet.

thought I would live too,

"Too" is being used as to.

Again, these mistakes are quite minor and don't hurt the writing in any way--I just thought you might want to have them pointed out to you so that you're aware of them in the future.

I wanted to briefly note the flow of the piece, as well. Your line length seems to vary from quite short to very long. This presents a problem with the piece's flow, or how well it rolls off of your reader. I'd suggest (since you don't have an organized pattern of stanzas) that you simply split some of the lines into two. Here's an example of what I mean by that:

Original
I found a quite place where I could write all the pain I felt on those long nights.


Revised
I found a quite place where I could write
all the pain I felt on those long nights.


The revised piece shortens each line so it closely matches the original:
I am not the person I once was.


In doing so (with that line an a few of the other long ones) you'll improve your poem's flow and present a better experience for your reader's eyes.

That's about it! Your piece was very powerful, I must say. Again, I hope that you're doing well. I can't wait to see more from you in the future!

Much love,

Clairia



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brookeallo says...


thankyou :)



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11 Reviews


Points: 15
Reviews: 11

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Wed Apr 29, 2020 1:07 pm
diphylleia wrote a review...



Hi little <3
I wish you are doing fine. I am diphylleia and I will happy to be a friend with you .
I truly like what you wrote. I can say that I totally understand what you are in. You are sixteen. You have worse things waiting for you, but also better ones. Life is hiding to you many bad things and many beautiful ones too. Never lose hope, never !
Your words are lucky to have you !
Keep writing, keep writing, for your next writings I am waiting 🖤



Random avatar
brookeallo says...


thanks :)




You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon