The Perilous Journey

Hi, this is my second time using quotes so if I mess up I apologize for it.


Anyways, Em101cats here to review your awesome poem!

The forces of darkness pulled me away, strapped me in chains,

The above quote (if it actually turns out as a quote ) is kind of confusing. Maybe it's just because it's from my perspective. But would you mind doing some more explaining? Maybe tell us who the dark forces are or why they're strapping you into chains?

The light, the glory of Heaven was made clear and shone down,

and

And I took my first step outside knowing God was by my side.

are probably my favorite lines. Being a Christian, I believe that God can help you with anything. And these two lines show it. Thank you for interpreting Him into your poem, I have not seen that being done yet!

Thanks for making this, keep up your great writing! And again, sorry if the quotes do not turn out right!
~Em101cats~

Old King Cole here for a review!

Firstly, I'll comment on your rhyme scheme. I think, here, the rhyming feels forced. In order to be consistent with the structured rhyme, you've had to warp some of your syntax, which results in verses sounding awkward. I would scrap it.

Now, to the content:

The forces of darkness pulled me away, strapped me in chains
Attacked me with lies and filled me with pain.

You should have a comma after "chains." The phrase "forces of darkness" is a bit of a cliche, so I would change it so it feels a little more fresh. How exactly do you "attack" with lies? This is an abstract idea that doesn't add too much to the poem other than make it corny. You should show the pain that the speaker is going through instead of leaving it at "filled me with pain." If you show the process of torment, it will add emotional weight to the narrative.

They overwhelmed my being until I gave
Into the power that was put into the grave.

So, the "grave" is a vague reference to "Hades" or "hell," I'm assuming? I think you can do better. Furthermore, what exactly do you mean by "power that was put into the grave"? This doesn't make sense.

The jail cell door was open wide,
But they deceived me into believing there was no outside.

This doesn't make sense. The jail cell door was wide open, but the speaker still had to be delivered from the darkness? This completely reduces the tension in the poem. Also, your rhyme here feels especially forced.

The light, the glory of Heaven was made clear and shone down,
It broke the chains apart and got me off the ground.

You should say that the light fell into the grave; the speaker "rising" from the ground is a new idea that doesn't tie into the rest of the poem.

Transformed and renewed I walked in His love
Surrounded by His grace that came from above.

Firstly, these lines are huge Christian cliches. Avoid these! Secondly, that's it? What about the darkness? There's no fight? There's no conflict? You've missed a perfect chance to introduce suspense.

The jail cell door was open wide,
And I took my first step out knowing God's by my side.

Be careful about the change of tense here. It should be "God was"; "God's" implies that you're using "is," which would be changing tenses.

Living in freedom and walking in the power of Christ
I continue on in spite of the strife.

"In the power of Christ" is a cliche. Also, what kind of strife are you referring to? If there is strife, describe it. Don't just tell us.

Now on the perilous journey of trust and faith

This is the first mention of the "perilous journey," and it doesn't seem central to the poem at all. You need to describe the journey. Don't just assume the reader will know what you're describing.

I long to enter through the strong Heaven gates
Until that moment I will press on and fight
For one day soon I will finally see the light

All of this is running together because you neglected to put in punctuation. Be consistent with your grammar. If you leave out punctuation, the whole poem should reflect that. Moreover, this is a very weak and predictable ending to the poem.

Final comments:

The poem's bare bones are decent, but it all needs some tough love. I want you to elaborate on the struggle with the "darkness." You move too quickly from imprisonment to freedom, so the poem lacks conflict or tension that will make it interesting. Furthermore, what you have here isn't distinguishable from most Christian poetry. It isn't unique. What are you trying to add to the genre? What do you have to say that's a fresh, new take on man's relationship with God?

I hope this was helpful and if you have any questions, let me know.

Take care,

-H.