Dear, Girl In My Dreams
I am afraid to sleep,
because my dreams are filled with you
and I don't want to have to wake up
wishing it were real.
Why must my mind play tricks on me in the night?
Does it gain some amusement from this?
So I'll stay up instead, who needs sleep?
I swear I am not crazy.
I mean, perhaps you have made me this way,
or maybe I was born insane.
I just miss you, I want you back.
Will we ever be normal again?
Will we live in a perpetual state of disarray?
At this point, my heart is so cold, what's the point?
Our fights will just continue, our flame will just get hotter,
so maybe it is time I just left.
Late at night, my thoughts circle around me,
my eyes see the visions.
The visions of the past, the present, and the future haunt me,
they are glimpses into my own fantasy world.
However, this world is but for a moment, like a flower that fades
it is here and gone tomorrow, like the sand of an hourglass.
You are just a memory now
and I am afraid to sleep.
- Wind
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey darling. Let's dance.
fix the formatting.
You start off with cliche imagery that doesn't really pull the reader in at all. The idea of dreams of someone filling someone's head is a very overused concept that I think you need to break away from as soon as possible. Your formatting jumps from being very smooth and flowing nicely to being abrupt and uneven. It's very disturbing to the reader's eye. Aesthetically it's not very pleasing. Which format you choose, whether it's the abrupt or smooth, it doesn't matter. You just need to choose one so that the reader enjoys the poem more. The format of writing a letter to the point of interest is very cliche and overused, just like your imagery. You also going back and forth between contracted phrases ("I'm" "I'll" "We'll") to non-contracted phrases (I am, I will, We will). It also disrupts the flow because you're not consistent, so one line will have "I'll" and the next line says "I am". Read through your poem, and decide which one you'd like to use. Your poetry would assume a much more clean and polished look if your consistent.
When you revise, there is one thing I would keep. The concept of being afraid to sleep because of someone. Other than that, you've got a lot of spring cleaning to do, imagery wise. You've got a great start here, though, so keep it up.
Spark
I love this! I find that it is a very reflective poem that shows a sense of beauty and curiosity. I like how you talk about this fantasy world inside your dreams that dissapears when you awake from the new stories and tales of another world that form inside of your mind. I like how you are afraid to sleep as this girl in your dreams has somesort of echanting aspect to her which causes you to want to stay. It is as if your dreams have a mind of their own, as if it has a connection to you. Grammarwise it is also very good
I think my favourite part is when you say-So I'll stay up instead, who needs sleep?-as it has a humourous side to it. It is quite the regularly asked question among many as they too are afraid of something that lurks their dreams (or they are on their electrical devices haha).
I think it is very clever how you talk of this dream as if it is a nightmare but at the same time it is the one dream you never want to leave.
That is all from me,
I love this poem,
Godly
A classic romantic poem!!! Man...I would have to tire myself out day and night to write such a poem, and you write these poems since you cannot sleep!
I just loved the poem - it clearly portrays the feeling of having a dream and the urge to remain there forever. Simply put, your poem is very good. I'd love to know you more!
I didn't really find anything to complain about so...all the best for your future writing!!
Keep writing!! I'd love to read more of your works!!
Please try out my posts and give your views on my writing skills!!!
Thank you!
It is not exactly romantic, but it sure could be interpreted that way. Thanks!