Tears stream down as I think about you
As you live one heartbeat from hell.
I've tried to tell you of His saving love,
But you said that's a lie and you've heard enough.
My heart screams, "Jesus is the way!"
While my mouth echos the resounding pain,
Of seeing a close friend slowly fade away.
*
*
What must I say so that you may see
That you're walking around this world blind?
How can I show you the presence I feel,
Is completely and totally real?
I hear the clock tick and know time's running low,
For you to see, understand, and truly know
Where you are destined to go.
*
*
How can I find peace, joy, or hope
Knowing that my friend is lost in the dark?
God please reveal Yourself to him
So that I may one day see him again.
My heart aches, He needs you Lord
Or else He will face judgement with a sword.
Help me speak the words that hit like a knife
For he only has one life.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Completely agree with Nightwolf "
For starters, I'd like to congratulate you on conveying such a clear point. Sometimes it's very easy to wander away from the original point of the poem, but that is definitely not the case with you.
The rhyme scheme is good, but a little off. It is very clear in places, but there is no distinct pattern. This makes the flow broken and sound a little awkward in parts.
I love the last stanza, it's definitely my favourite.
Well done for writing this amazing poem!"
I enjoyed the persona aspect of this poem it really connects better with the reader that you truly cares for your friend. I enjoyed how you didn't try to suger coat this poem with bells and whistle you simple spoke your mind and i can tell how you both love jesus and love your friend. Very Very well done i have no negitives for this piece and i hope your friend find his place soon enough
Hello, NightWolf here to review for you!
For starters, I'd like to congratulate you on conveying such a clear point. Sometimes it's very easy to wander away from the original point of the poem, but that is definitely not the case with you.
The rhyme scheme is good, but a little off. It is very clear in places, but there is no distinct pattern. This makes the flow broken and sound a little awkward in parts.
I love the last stanza, it's definitely my favourite.
Well done for writing this amazing poem!
Keep going,
NightWolf
Hey there! BitterRosemary here to give you a review. Let's get started.
First of all, kudos to you for being brave enough to publish a religous poem. I myself am Christian, so I can easily relate to this. Many people would get angry reading this, or get offended, saying how dare you judge others, but I honestly appreciate this. Telling people they're going to hell isn't being rude it's warning them. Thanx for taking the time to say that in such an honest way.
My only nitpick is the changing tones.
You change from talking to (insert name of whatever person this poem is about) directly, to watching "a close friend" fade away, which is not direct conversation. You swap back and forth a couple more times throughout the poem, especially n the last stanza, where you change from speaking ABOUT yourself to speaking TO God. Major change.
But overall, a great, emotional, strong piece!
Never stop writing!
Rose