Just as the tides roll in and out,
so I too am coming
and going, out into a world
at the mercy of the waves,
with no sense
of direction.
*
Lost in bittersweet dreams
and rain upon my window
as I sleep,
hoping to arise from this nightmare
with some relief.
*
Yet I find none,
and I struggle all the more
to make my way
to the top of this mountain,
for there
I might find the love
I have been searching for
or perhaps not.
*
It's cold and desolate up here.
The clouds consume me,
and my life
becomes a daze.
I now look upon the world
as through a shattered mirror.
It reflects only the anguish
of those who hide
who they are.
*
Each broken shard
is a potential person,
lost
in a sea of conformity.
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140,591 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hi! I just finished reading some of your poetry and absolutely loved the imagery and emotion behind your words. I’m a commission artist specializing in custom book covers, minimalist line art, and interior illustrations for poetry books. I'm currently open for new commission projects and would love to illustrate a cover or interior artwork for your collection. If you're interested, feel free to reach out on Discord (chloemadisonn) or Instagram (elsaa.uwu). If not, no worries at all keep writing beautiful poetry!
Regards,
Chloe
Woah.. where do I even start.. I LOVE how the rhymes work. I dom't know why, it's just so addicting, I couldn't read it just once. They fall so smoothly in my mind.
Now, onto the review!
By this verse, a person reading it can tell that the lyrical subject is confused. Maybe confused by the world? But still trying, still going, still walking. Knowing that they are living at the mercy. A beautiful way to capture life, isn't it?
Now we can see that the lyrical subject is scared of life, not only confused. But still, they show hope in despair. Even if their life is a nightmare, they still TRY to have faith.
Now, we see resignation. The lyrical subject is clearly tired with how their life works. They try and try really hard but they are slowly losing hope ("or perhaps not.").
Now we can see that the lyrical subject got on top of their mountain! Maybe it symbolizes making their dream come true? Maybe they won a fight with life? With themselves?
But after fulfilling that dream, their life doesn't seem as colourful as it should be. The 'clouds' are too much, maybe that symbolizes how the effort drained their whole energy and now nothing feels right.
Now we see that the lyrical subject doesn't really looks at the world. 'through a shattered mirror'. They aren't looking directly. Maybe through perspectives of others? Maybe they are so tired they became dependent? Or maybe I am reading too much into it lol
The lyrical subject also talks about people who hide their true selves.
It's my favourite part. The lyrical subject is speaking about how the shutterd mirror is everyone of us. The mirror is a great choice here cause it can symbolise how most of us reflect what we see in people. We aren't fully us. We are what we see in people. We can't truly be ourselves. Our behaviour is sculpted and polished by people we look up to. Or even by random strangers passing by. We change if the situation needs us to. We change when we sense that people we're with don't really enjoy our company until we act like them. That's just human nature, isn't it?
Hi WindSailor,
I was perusing poems to review and was intrigued by yours, so here I am. Right off the bat I liked the repetition of the "ee" sound in "Sea of conformity" – assonance like that is very pretty to me!
Structure-wise, I think the length and division of your stanzas makes a lot of sense. There's a satisfying progression of imagery, since each stanza introduces a new image or develops on a previous one. You continue to make good use of sound devices throughout the poem, as well! I enjoyed phrases like "clouds consume", "potential person", and "bittersweet dreams". They add a polished and smooth feeling to the poem, especially if you're reading it aloud.
My biggest overall suggestion is to go through line by line and consider what each line is actually contributing to the message or the reading experience. Some of the lines feel a bit like filler to me, and I think if you took them out that would open up more space to elaborate on existing images and ideas in a more detailed way. As a rule of thumb, the more specificity, the better! I'll give a few examples of what I mean by "filler", since I think that's a pretty vague term.
^In this first stanza, "out into a world" doesn't actually add any information or visuals for the reader. I think the stanza would flow better, and make just as much sense, if you chopped it out. Instead, consider how you could elaborate on the image of waves in a directionless sea – and how can you use those details to describe the emotional state of the narrator?
^If the narrator is dreaming, presumably they're asleep! I'd love if you replaced that with another line building on the window and rain imagery, for instance.
^You already said "might", so "perhaps" feels a bit redundant. Again, how could you build on the image of a mountain? Is it jagged? Steep? Is the narrator out of breath? Cramps in their side? And what might any of those details represent, emotionally?
Overall, this was an enjoyable read. It hit the sweet spot in terms of length, structure, formatting, and punctuation. My main suggestion is to really evaluate what the role of each image or phrase is, and if it's pulling enough weight to be worth keeping. Let me know if you have any questions about my review! All the best in your future writing!
~Hijinks