z

Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 47

by Ventomology


The bounty for Elliott Bei popped up about a week after the Independent Titan attack, almost immediately after the paycheck came in for Crane and Shell’s recent job in the Tubai system. Hers was a special case among all the ‘wanted’ posts, which began with all-caps and frequently mentioned reward sums. Elliott Bei was listed as a missing minor, and her notice came in delicate lettering with a tidy sum of half a million USD listed only in the case summary. I suppose her connection with Andra Media was enough to draw attention to her bounty listing.

I showed Crane and Shell the bounty for Elliott Bei almost as soon as I found it. After all, locating a missing child seemed right up their do-good-by-bounty-hunting alley.

The pair had curled around me, their tails criss crossing in front of my stumps, and Shell rested his chin on my head while Crane lounged half on top of Shell’s shoulders. I remember that Elliott Bei’s notice was at the top of the bounty forum for longer than it should have been. Perhaps Andra Media had paid extra to push back the releases of other bounties so that they could keep the top spot on the page. At the time, I was mostly just glad I didn’t have to scroll to find her bounty listing.

“There,” I said, tapping on the link to her page. “Isn’t it weird that Elliott Bei is listed under the bounty section as a missing person?”

Crane’s rumbling half-purr, half-meow translated into a suspicious hum, and his one of his tails flicked quickly against Shell’s feet.

“It is odd,” Shell murmured, curling in a little tighter. “Zoom in on the text for us, will you?”

Having already skimmed through the notice, I fidgeted as my parents read, impatient to hear their verdict. I always loved it when Crane and Shell took the cases I pointed out to them.

However, as they scrolled through the text, the two made disapproving growls, and their tails kept twitching, tapping on the floor the way an angry businessman might tap a finger on a table. Something about Elliott Bei’s bounty made them uncomfortable.

“We will go talk to Andra Media,” Crane declared, once he had finished reading. He shifted his chin off of my head and nosed at Shell’s front paws. “I want to see what these people really think and how many of their words are only half-true.”

I think I nearly fell over. “We’re going to actually see the Andra Media headquarters?!”

“Yes, little one,” Shell said. He rolled off of his husband and stalked up the loading ramp of the Ink, claws clicking on the metal station floor. “The job looks good, but something about it seems dishonest.”

“What part?” I asked, scrambling to turn over and follow him onboard. “The way she’s listed? As a missing person on the bounty forum?”

Crane nudged me onto the ends of my stumps and trailed after me as I climbed the ramp. “We will tell you after we attempt to speak with the Andra Media people, but yes, that is part of it.” Then, with a loud yowl, he called up for Shell to begin a message to whoever had posted Elliott Bei’s bounty.

For the next two weeks and five days, I badgered my parents with questions about this case. What would they do if they decided not to track down Elliott Bei? Would I get to meet Andra? By the end of the first week, I think Crane and Shell regretted making the trip to Titan while Saturn was so far from the earthling fold monitor.

And then suddenly we arrived at the Andra Media headquarters. The place was a giant work of art, a long, glittering tube of metal with great windows made of colored solar glass and detailed reliefs carved into every steel surface. I imagined that flying through the center would feel like swimming through a kaleidoscope.

For obvious reasons, the second time I visited, I did not find the place quite so magical, but when I rolled off of the Ink that first time I saw the Andra Media headquarters and saw the glittering interior of the visitor’s docking bay, I was absolutely in awe. It looked as though the walls had diamonds mixed into the steel walls, and the bay was so open it might have had space for three or four shipping barges.

A long line of black-clad guards met us at as soon as my parents and I disembarked. As we followed them through a grand, sparkling hallway with constellations etched into the floor, Shell poked his head over the armrest of my wheelchair and gave me a warning.

“Do not say anything, Tejal,” he said. “Only watch. And then, see if you can understand the decision Crane and I end up making. Alright?”

I nodded, and one of the guards shot me a look. “What’s going on there?” she asked, voice low, like she was trying to be intimidating.

I know I told her some lie, and she only half bought it, but the walk was hardly important. It wasn’t until we reached the meeting place that I actively paid attention and tried to remember everything.

The meeting room had a low ceiling heavily embellished with iridescent inlays and large quartz crystals. In the center was a long table surrounded by cushy office chairs. There had been no spaces left for my wheelchair, or spots with benches for Crane and Shell to lounge on. A few other bounty hunters, earthlings and otherwise, stood about the room, their attentions trained on the large, wooden double doors at the far end of the table.

A few minutes later, the Andra Media representatives walked in. They wore their business best—black blazers with black ties and black, shiny Oxfords—and walked so perfectly and uncannily in-sync that they felt like some kind of robot army. Then, behind the six people in blazers was a long, lean woman with shocking blue hair in an uncomfortably clean, white dress.

She took a seat at the table while the people in black remained standing, three on either side of the room. None of the bounty hunters sat, except for a grungy-faced man with broad shoulders and a stocky woman with giant hoop earrings. They glared at each other as they sat.

“So,” the blue-haired woman started. She steepled her fingers and rested her elbows on the table. “You all are here to ask a few questions about the case regarding Elliott Bei’s disappearance.  I have a few smell, DNA, and fingerprint samples available for use, should anyone need them.” The lady looked over at Crane and Shell and tilted her head. “I’m sure anyone else can identify Elliott through photos or facial structure software. We can also provide some of Andra’s information to backup existing data about Elliott.”

Around the room, the other bounty hunters nodded, their faces stoic. I could not tell who had come to extract additional information for tracking down Elliott and who had come to pry into the oddities of her bounty listing.

The earthling woman with the hoops raised a hand, sort of. “How will information on Elliott Bei’s whereabouts be rewarded?”

“After she is brought in,” Blue-Hair said, “we will divvy up the bounty accordingly.”

The woman with the hoop earrings frowned, and I don’t remember her speaking again that day, except to ask a few odd questions about child labor at the very end of the meeting. A lone tyran asked about any other existing relatives to whom Elliott might go, but apparently she and Andra had been, in effect, adopted from abusive parents.

Crane lifted one tail up about halfway through the meeting and nudged me in case I needed to translate for him. “Why is Elliott Bei advertised as a missing minor when she has multiple criminal charges being brought against her? Additionally, how does a fifteen-year-old girl manage to steal so much property, physical and intellectual, that you feel the need to make the reward for bringing her to you so high?”

The representative pursed her lips. “The items she stole are heavily restricted. I cannot release that information to you.”

“Also,” Crane continued, his voice growing deeper, “I noticed that you did not have your bounty listing authorized by the international courts. I understand that Titan is not yet officially recognized, but your corporation is large enough that you could still go through official corridors on this matter.”

“We would like Elliott back as soon as possible,” the blue-haired woman bit out. “Andra has been upset at her disappearance, and the earthling international courts are slow. However, we are currently in the process of authorization.”

Crane and Shell let out twin growls of disappointment. They had wanted a little more information, though at the time I could not figure out what they were trying to find out.

- A Life Unfolded: the story of Tejal Sethi


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Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:13 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



For obvious reasons, the second time I visited, I did not find the place quite so magical


*raises eyebrow to ceiling in intense concentration*

Yay, another chapter! I'm probably going to have to apologize for this review in advance; it feels like somebody is trying to pull my eyes down all the time. I don't think I have a lot of time over the next few days, though, and I'm fairly sure I can keep a coherent train of thought. Mainly, I think my tiredness is affecting me because I'm having a hard time visualizing things? The scenes themselves have pretty good layouts, especially with how well you characterize Andra Media's headquarters for its attitude that's both business-oriented and gaudy, but I can't easily envision where everyone is or what they're doing. At the opening, I couldn't tell if Tejal was sitting on his wheelchair or on the ground; I'd assumed the former, probably out of his habit, and so I was confused by this line:

“What part?” I asked, scrambling to turn over and follow him onboard.


I suppose the biggest source of confusion for me, however, was this:

I watched as Andra bit their lip and reached up to scratch their neck.


I'm almost certain this is an accident. I thought they were blue-haired lady, but Tejal would've recognized them as Andra by that point if that was the case (and honestly, if she is Andra, there would have been a much more dramatic entry). And this is the only time in the chapter in which Andra is mentioned at the scene; Tejal never even gives an "OMG IT'S ANDRAAAAA" commentary. Besides, it seems so un-Andra like. My personal guess is this is either Shell or Crane, though I'm also wondering if it could be any of the bounty hunters.

Otherwise, this chapter has a lot of charming moments. The designs at Andra Media's HQ sound gorgeous, and I love the way you create them in your descriptions. "Colored solar glass" isn't an image I can easily conceive, admittedly, but I admire that combination of the aesthetic and practical (presumably, the HQ is in a place with intense enough sunlight). Actually, could I have a refresher on what solar glass is? I keep assuming it has to do with spacecraft, but I'm also thinking (and Google seems to support me) it's something involving solar power. In any case, the core conversation is more pivotal, and you create it remarkably well. I'm too tired to entirely guess what Shell and Crane are trying to figure out, but it's clear that this whole thing is sketchy. There are way too many contradictions in the reward flyers, the avoiding of courts sounds suspicious, and Elliott (though they underestimate her) is 15 here. They're presumably trying to figure out what exactly is at stake here, and if this is Andra Media persecuting an innocent kid. Of course, I know they ultimately take the case, but that makes me wonder if they weren't/aren't trying to find her to figure out the truth from her.

...Huh. That would explain another reason why Tejal realizes who Ellipse is - he's already heard the abusive parents thing before. Interesting. In any case, it looks like the past is catching up to the present, and dropping a few hints along the way. Not much I haven't seen before, but enough to show how desperate Andra Media is. I'm curious about blue-haired lady and what her story is, mainly because I suspect Andra doesn't run their own company (considering the contrast between what Andra Media is doing and what Andra did). Nevertheless, this chapter contains some epic settings, cool-looking characters, and a solid narrative voice. Yeah, all in all, well done!

P.S.: I'm hoping the "his husband" thing is correct (I can't remember if it is or not) because every gay couple in this story makes me so happy.




Ventomology says...


I forgot to pull that line out flip. It should be gone now though.

Thanks again! And yes, raise your eyebrows at that first line you picked out. : )



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Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:48 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



So like Biscuits, I had momentary confusion like Bisc over who was speaking at first. It soon became apparent that it was Tejal, but it might help in the finished copy if chapters that are sort of outside the main story are headed by the identifying bits at the end.

I like seeing this flashback as we have more of an idea of why Shell and Crane and Tejal, who seem pretty nice, were bounty-hunting in the first place. We also get more of a reason as to why Tejal wouldn't be angry with Ellipse when he realizes she really is Elliot Bei - aside from their friendship. Their friendship seems more like a reason for him to be angry anyway, because friendship makes lying more of a betrayal. But here we see that his parents have raised him with a strong moral code and they won't just take any old bounty job - there's clearly more to it than money for them.

I would like a little more detail on their thoughts about the strangeness of this case. Since I'm not a bounty hunter, it's not really clear to me why it's odd that Elliot is listed under bounties as a missing person. Like I guess you don't really think of sending bounty hunters after missing persons anyway, but...I don't even know what other people are listed as under the bounties section.




Ventomology says...


Hmmm... I was thinking "missing person" more along the amber-alert/missing child train of thought, but I can see how that would be misleading. I'll think of a way to rephrase that.

Thanks so much!



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Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:52 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Now that I have caught up with this again I'm not letting these slip out of the green room before I get to review xD

Nit-picks:

While it is becoming increasingly easy to pick out who is speaking in these interludes, I still say there's no point in me having to figure it out. Why not have the subtitle at the end at the top instead?

“There,” I said, tapping on the link to her page. “Isn’t it weird that Elliott Bei is listed under the bounty section as a missing person?”

This sounded a little odd. It's a bounty list, right? So why is there a "bounty section" in a list of bounties? That's all of it, surely.

Crane’s rumbling half-purr, half-meow translated into a suspicious hum, and his one of his tails flicked quickly against Shell’s feet.

I feel like that might sound like that as a cat noise in the first place.

I think I nearly fell over. “We’re going to actually see the Andra Media headquarters?!”

Wait, is Tejal not in a wheelchair at this point?

I think Crane and Shell regretted making the trip to Titan while Saturn was so far from the earthling fold monitor.

The relevance of this isn't really clear to me. This is in a different way to the foreshadowing later on, when Tejal says about his second visit here being much less pleasant, because with that, I can wonder what happened between the two visits. With this, it feels like I'm meant to get the inference now, which I can't, because I don't know/remember enough about the solar system (in the case that it could be discerned from info you've given, I think it would be a bit too much to expect).

I watched as Andra bit their lip and reached up to scratch their neck.

Wait, I don't think you introduced that they were in the room.

Overall:

“We would like Ellipse back as soon as possible,” the blue-haired woman bit out.

Ummmmmm... is that a Freudian slip on your part? If that's on purpose... I'm really not sure what I think. I guess that would explain why Tejal is so sure she's Elliott Bei? It just seems a kind of strange time to drop the bomb, especially since the subject has been dropped for a while in the present-time story. I'm just gonna leave that there, cos I'm genuinely not sure if it's meant to be like that and I have a lot to say about the rest of the chapter.

You are extremely good at flashbacks and flashforwards (ie with Focci's ballad). You always give just the right amount of information that it answers questions I've had from the main story, as well as asking things about the main story too, through hinting at things but not being explicit, because why would you, this is written by one of the characters in the story, who is not immediately concerned with the specific events I am. Really good job there.

I think this chapter could actually do with a bit of a reworking technically. There was just an awful lot of characters entering the scene at once, like I mentioned about Andra. I also got confused and thought the woman with hoop earrings was someone from Andra Media, so didn't realise that there was a crowd of other bounty hunters there. This did get me a bit confused when blue-hair said "You all", but I just figured like there's three of them, I guess you could call that an all.

I also adore the relationships between a) Crane and Shell and b) Crane&Shell and Tejal. Very squishy and nice ^.^

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Ventomology says...


Yikes that was a slip holy flip. Thanks for catching that. I have fixed it.

Also sorry I never responded to the last review! I was a little caught up with going back to school, and honestly haven't been sure how to respond to reviews lately, since I haven't been super happy with anything since the big crying chapters and mostly just agree with everything y'all are pointing out.

Thanks so much for reviewing as always!




Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela