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Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 20

by Ventomology


Wrecktrix’s room had been designed with sleep in mind. The plastic panels that made up its walls were a deep cobalt, and someone had stuffed fabric in the space between each panel. Everything was bolted to the floor to give the illusion that the sleeper was on their own planet, where things did not stay afloat for longer than a few seconds. Really, the only thing that seemed uncomfortable about the room was the set of elastic restraints stretched across the bed, and currently across Ellipse’s chest and legs.

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

Ellipse cringed at the face above her. “You slept eight hours ago, Tejal. Go away.”

“Sure. Whatever. But take this.”

Suddenly Ellipse had something hard and shiny right up in her face, and no free arms to bat it away. Her only option was to headbutt the thing so she could see while she wriggled out of bed, which was a poor option, because whatever Tejal had given her, it had sharp corners.

Two minutes and a bruised forehead later, she was free. Clutching Tejal’s “gift” to her chest, Ellipse floated out into the hall and examined the object under the light, trying to figure out why the kid had been so eager to give it to her.

It was just a digital clock with the time horribly messed up. The bright green LEDs had been reconfigured to show earthling numerals, but instead of a date and time, the clock just had a running countdown.

Ellipse squinted. “ninety-seven hours?” she wondered aloud. “What does that mean?” It could not be anything dangerous; Tejal had too strong a sense for self-preservation to try that. Watching the seconds pass, Ellipse tried to remember what day it was in the earthling system. The journey to planet five had taken somewhere over two weeks in earthling time, and the ship was less than a day away from the fold terminal now. It had been just over a month then, probably.

Seasons were a bit of an abstract concept for Ellipse, but she felt like maybe something important was supposed to happen this month. Then that left her trying to figure out why Tejal would know if she had something coming up.

She gave up with a sigh and cupped her hand to her mouth. “Tejal!” she shouted. “What is this thing for?”

“What? I thought you’d figure it out!” A second later, his head poked out from behind the cockpit door, and he twisted his face in disgust. Even though Ellipse could not see him from so far down the hall, she knew he was making a face. “You’re such a fangirl I thought you’d know. The whole universe knows.”

Ellipse would rot in heck before she fangirled over anything. She crossed her arms, raised her eyebrows, and allowed herself to keep floating forwards.

“Oh my god.” Tejal threw his hands up and cringed. “You play their songs all the time! How do you not know?”

Ellipse froze, or sort of froze at least. She could not really stop herself from floating. “Oh,” she squeaked. “Ohh, I know what you are talking about now. But it is hard to remember the exact release date when Andra-Media never puts out physical advertisements.” She could put up with the fangirl comment now; it was true that she knew all of Andra’s songs by heart.

“Well now you’ll be able to remember. Just don’t play the album over and over again while you learn it.” With that, Tejal slammed the door shut and vanished back into the pilot’s cabin.

Honestly, Ellipse cared little for the release date. She might ask Focci to program her a secure communication line in preparation for the chaos that might erupt afterwards, but she knew the new Andra album was destined for failure. Her entire life rested on that album being an intergalactic disappointment. Pursing her lips, she absently rubbed the clock’s plastic case and began pulling together a plan for how she might react to the new songs.

Then the cockpit door banged open again, and Tejal flung himself into the hall. “Wait wait wait!” he shouted, jabbing a finger in Ellipse’s direction. “Are you one of those people who thinks Andra’s music will suck because Elliott disappeared?”

Considering that Andra only spoke earthling languages, yes, but that was not something Ellipse should have known. Widening her eyes, she shook her head in earnest.

“Good. Because Andra Bei will rock, just like always. Maybe the recordings will even be more soulful or something, what with the younger sister being missing.” Tejal snorted and scratched his head. “I still can’t believe you know every Andra song and don’t know who Elliott Bei is. Maybe you really are just a music buff.”

Not sure how to respond, Ellipse gave a shrug and examined the clock again, running her fingers over the black buttons on the top. Then a thought popped into her brain, and she grinned at Tejal. “I know you do not like to be nice. Could it be that you are the one excited for Andra’s new album?”

He blushed. Tejal hecking blushed. And he went all blank like a deer about to collide with a car. “No!” he sputtered, a little too loud. “No way! I hate pop, and Andra’s definitely not cool!”

“It is operatic pop,” Ellipse corrected, looking down her nose, “like Bohemian Rhapsody is with rock music, but multilingual and with legitimate universal appeal.” She snickered at her own joke. “Get it? Universal appeal.”

“That’s disgusting,” Tejal deadpanned. “I’m going back into the cabin. Go get Focci so he can show me the simulation for miniature fold generator two-point-O.”

Evidently, someone was not doing a good job of looking out for debris. Tossing the clock in the air and then remembering that the ship had no artificial gravity and reaching up to grab the thing, Ellipse grumbled to herself about spoiled children. She pressed her hand against the plastic wall panels and pushed off towards the central ladder, already formulating a way to annoy her crew while they geeked out.


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 10:59 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Wrecktrix’s room had been designed with sleep in mind.

YES! Oh, Wrecktrix, I've missed you buddy.

and currently across Ellipse’s chest and legs.

Oh. Well, good to get some setting in anyway. Don't build up my hopes like that though xD

Tejal had too strong a sense for self-preservation to try that

Does she necessarily know this? She hasn't known him particularly long. It seems like something that would be the case for most people, but to characterise it as a trait of Tejal's feels kind of off.

“You’re such a fangirl I thought you’d know. The whole universe knows.”

You're bringing the tension in so well that I genuinely frowned here.

Her entire life rested on that album being an intergalactic disappointment.

Interesting... I'm keeping an eye out for if you explain why.

“Are you one of those people who thinks Andra’s music will suck because Elliott disappeared?”

Aaaaand now I'm giggling xD

Considering that Andra only spoke earthling languages, yes, but that was not something Ellipse should have known. Widening her eyes, she shook her head in earnest.

I don't understand this bit. Did this Elliott person speak more than earthling languages and now the remaining member only speaks earthling and that's bad? But why wouldn't she have known that? Much confuse.

“I still can’t believe you know every Andra song and don’t know who Elliott Bei is. Maybe you really are just a music buff.”

a) wouldn't that be the kind of thing a music buff knew and b) why does he think she doesn't know who Elliott is? She only said that she didn't think the music was going to get worse because Elliott was missing.

Evidently, someone was not doing a good job of looking out for debris.

Huh?

Overall:

Character: So now that we seem to have settled into Ellipse and Tejal having a pretty similar relationship to Ellipse and Focci, I think this chapter is really fun. I think it would make sense for there still to be some of that lingering animosity here. It all just seems kind of fun, which makes it somewhat lacking in conflict. There's still the conflict with the fold generator, which it's good you remind the reader about, but having conflict within the team always helps to make a story more complex.

Setting: I now have a pretty good idea of where they are in space and what the ship is like. Imma call that success.

Plot: Pls tell me about Wrecktrix and the other two (?) crew members. They seemed like friends, and it just seems unlikely Ellipse and Focci wouldn't even wonder about them, not even look for news of their sentencing. Also, I'm wondering if Tejal is feeling any guilt about the time he tried to capture Ellipse, or if he's feeling guilt for working with her and being nice to her right now. Lastly, could they not have officially sorted out who she is by now? I figure she would have some sort of ID on the ship, right?

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Ventomology says...


Ah, the whereabouts of the rest of the crew are actually addressed in the next chapter! I was one step ahead of you this time.

Thanks so much!



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Mon Jul 03, 2017 4:54 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



First and foremost, I'd like to confess that I haven't read the previous chapters, so you have full permission to grab the nearest pan and whack it over my head while I cackle evilly. Although, depending on the lengths of the other chapters, I may read and review them in order for the July Team Tortoise event.

As far as chapters go, I find this one solid. I'm not sure what you were so concerned about, since it's a small but well-written one. The elements of comedy you've incorporated in here, such as Ellipse bruising her forehead on a sharp box and Tejal's doing a horrible job of hiding how much of a fangirl he is, are well executed and did a nice job of making me smile. Even without context, it's not hard for me to grasp the situation and the nature of the spaceship, though I was a little lost by the miniature fold generator (which, based on context, seems to have something to do with debris). Regardless, I love the worldbuilding you've established (like with the lack of physical advertisements, which makes me wonder what advertisements are used instead) and the mystery you develop around the disappearance of Elliot Bei. As such, I found myself more than happy to read through the chapter, and am now interested in reading through the others.

As for criticism, I don't have anything in particular. The dialogue's good - I will always approve of any use of hecking - though I found that saying "all blank like a deer about to collide with a car" was a bit awkward compared to the tone of the piece overall. You might be better off removing the word "all" if you want to keep the same (admittedly somewhat cliche) metaphor. Nevertheless, this was a fun chapter and nice to read, and I may provide reviews on some more. Well done!




Ventomology says...


Ah, you. You need to actually post chapters from yours so I can review them. Tag me or something.

Anyways, I'm glad you could actually understand any of this. I was worried that work would kill my ability to type coherent sentences. As for the fold generator, you'll understand exactly what it is if you do choose to go back.

Thanks a ton!
-Buggie



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Mon Jul 03, 2017 1:26 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



See? I told you this chapter would be good.

So first of all, I enjoy seeing Tejal blush and fangirl (even though he accused Ellipse of fangirling, but whatever). I'm also glad we got back to hints about Ellipse's identity. I feel like this chapter made me certain she is, in fact, Elliot Bei, but at the same time it gave me all new questions - like, she was a famous musician? She had a sister? What happened with this music group that a bounty hunter came after her? How could her life depend on the new album failing?

So we still have questions waiting to be answered, but they're mostly new questions, so I'm still curious but no longer frustrated (much better).

Although I thought Tejal's line about Ellipse not knowing who Elliot Bei is was a little misplaced, since I recall her saying something like "Elliot Bei never existed" way back in some early chapter, right? So she knows who it is but denies the existence of said person.

Anyway, I'm curious to see if Tejal will try to continue with his bounty hunter mission to catch Elliot Bei or if he's just given it up because Ellipse apparently isn't her.

Image




Ventomology says...


I'm just going to leave this little plot on hold for a while, because I'm an evil writer and want to frustrate my readers. Hopefully I don't mess everything up later. But I'm glad you found this satisfying!

Thanks as always!



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Sun Jul 02, 2017 11:20 pm
BluesClues says...



*reminder to self*





Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain