z

Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 11

by Ventomology


Focci’s crustaceans were actually not that expensive. They reminded Ellipse of the itty-bitty dried shrimp the cafeteria lady on Titan used to sprinkle on every bowl of rice that ever saw the light of day, except, like everything on Mao, the crustaceans were tinged with blue and grew a thin layer of fur through their shells.

The grocery store was a sliver of a place wedged between two lots of private shuttle docks and stuck underneath a flashing specifus sign for nutrient packets. Ellipse followed Wrecktrix out, careful to keep her arms from knocking into the precariously stacked shelves while still fitting all the purchases into the crook of one elbow. She sipped some odd, green slush from a paper cup and winced at the flavor. It tasted like salty spinach and cranberries.

“This is nasty,” she told Wrecktrix, trying not to stumble on the tongue roll in the word for nasty.

He snapped his beak shut, and a loud crunch echoed into the pit stop’s metal halls. Evidently he had broken into Focci’s crustaceans.

“What even is this?” she tried again.

Wrecktrix crunched and munched and swallowed, and then hissed in satisfaction, eyes fluttering shut. “What is what?”

“This,” Ellipse said, holding up her cup. She sloshed around the green ice and smooshed her features into a grimace. “It is disgusting. Also, I know you have evolved to like things with chitin in them, but I do not need to hear you eat the stuff.”

When Wrecktrix shrugged, the giant bags of junk food in his arms all crinkled with a dry, hollow crackle. “It is tradition to eat crunchy things loudly. We tyran have complex gastronomic rules.”

“You tyran tell a lot of tall tales.” Ellipse knew for a fact that Wrecktrix never ate hard pretzels loudly, and every thin mint that had gone into his mouth the past few sleep cycles had died a slow, lightly acidic death. “You have cheeks. Use them to eat without telling the whole universe about it.”

He muttered something in a different tyran language, one with a lot of beak-clicking, and then rolled his shoulders back and craned his neck to stick his beak directly into the bag of dried blue shrimp. So much for manners and rules of gastronomy.

As Ellipse trailed after Wrecktrix, cringing at every crunch and smack, she peered at the unlit docking bay signs that lined both walls. Compared to the Fold Terminals, this pit stop was near-deserted. The flickering white lights cast hollow shadows across the curved floor, and a few neons signs sprayed colors onto the walls. The matte metal floors were scuffed with years of dirt and dust.

“Why does no one stop here?” Ellipse asked. She gave her weird slushy another suspicious look and tried it again. It still made her scrunch her nose. “The ships are no faster than they were when the Triune system made contact with other systems.”

Wrecktrix shrugged and shook up the bag of blue shrimp. “They aren’t faster, true, but resource management systems are a lot more efficient now. Even smaller ships don’t have to stop very often, and we mostly stopped to restock on snacks.”

“Why did you not just buy more at the earthling terminal?”

“Earthlings don’t sell a lot of the things Focci and I eat. I can only survive on the little brown cookies for so long.”

Ellipse could eat thin mints all day, but she supposed Wrecktrix had a point. She chewed on the straw of her drink for a moment and wondered if she would have to join Focci in the we-eat-raw-meat club. Dried kelp was starting to get old.

“Besides,” Wrecktrix continued, his words garbled by food, “Captain Maj tries not to buy earthling stuff. They’ll take money from earthlings but never give it.”

Um, okay then? Ellipse bit her lip, unsure if she should ask for the reasoning behind the captain’s biased purchasing habits. Maybe, as an earthling, she was not supposed to know.

“I think it’s silly, really,” Wrecktrix said. He popped another handful of shrimp into his beak and peered into the bag as he crunched away. Ellipse silently made a bet with herself on how much would be left by the time Focci got his mitts on the snacks. “But it does keep me from gaining too much weight. I can’t get good exercise in low-grav.”

To be fair, tyran never got good exercise outside of their home planet. Letting out a noncommittal hum, Ellipse returned to sipping at her nasty green drink. She figured she ought to just toss it, but she had yet to spot any kind of garbage disposal.

“By the way, you never told me what this stuff is,” she said, watching as Wrecktrix veered towards the left side of the hall.

He ignored her and pointed straight up at a sign flashing red and blue and green. “This says Conics, right?”

“Yeah. What is this green stuff?”

Wrecktrix swung open the nearest door and stuck his head in, beak wide open like he was about to announce the start of a rabid fraternity party. But in the next moment, he ripped his head back and shouted an apology and slammed the door shut. He swore in his clicky language and tried the door about a meter down.

“Focci!” he shouted, “how much longer until takeoff?”

From somewhere inside came a series of arpeggiated notes. Focci was confused.

“And you!” Wrecktrix said, snapping to look at Ellipse. “Get in here! Be quick!”

Ellipse wanted to point out that Wrecktrix had taken his sweet time in getting from the grocery store to the docking bay. “What is going on?” she asked.

“Nothing, nothing. Just some people the captain would rather not see. Hurry it up already.” He gestured inside with his head and clacked his beak as if saying “chop chop.”

Wrinkling her nose, Ellipse eased into a jog. “I thought this crew was at least vaguely respectable.”

“Oh, we are. Captain Maj is just doing business with folks the rest of his people sort of frown upon.”

Knowing the specifus, ‘folks’ could mean anyone from the sirens one planet over to space pirates. As she passed through the door, Ellipse raised her eyebrow at Wrecktrix and pursed her lips. She would make sure to ask about this later. Well, this and the green slushy.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
760 Reviews


Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:52 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Heyo, I was trying to work through my green room reviews for this month but I couldn't find anything that caught my eye - so here I am!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

trying not to stumble on the tongue roll in the word for nasty.

I really like how you keep dropping details about the different kinds of speech. It's a really intricate world-building detail.

He snapped his beak shut

I was not aware he had a beak.

As Ellipse trailed after Wrecktrix, cringing at every crunch and smack

smack?

Um, okay then? Ellipse bit her lip

These thoughts should probably be in italics just to make it clear what they are.

To be fair, tyran never got good exercise outside of their home planet

Would be useful to know why, I'm just curious now.

Overall:

Character: The relationship between Ellipse and Wrecktrix is maybe a little bit too similar to the relationship between Ellipse and Focci. As in, overall amiable but they wind each other up. It would be good to have some aspects in which their relationships varied.

Setting: Pretty good, but I would like to know where they're buying this stuff from. I'm picturing a bazaar but I'm not sure.

Plot: Oooooh! This is what I've been waiting for for a little while. I can tell something interesting is going on but don't know exactly what, which is very good. You've made me want to read on without being predictable. Congrats!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




User avatar
299 Reviews


Points: 24185
Reviews: 299

Donate
Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:43 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



(I am having an extremely hard time reviewing this because nothing I say makes sense and I'm getting frustrated because I can't make a cohesive point, so sorry if this review is bad.)

Ellipse silently made a bet with herself on how much would be left by the time Focci got his mitts on the snacks.


Five, if he's lucky. :P

So, for starters, after the relative calm of the previous chapter (which, in turn, balanced out the flashforward), this is a good way to pick up the action again. I am getting the impression that the specifus aren't exactly friendly towards other species (heck, I'm wondering if they're space racists), given what Ellipse says about what "folks" they might not like. Hence, Maj likely took advantage of a lucrative market that other specifus weren't interested in, so I imagine whomever they're trying to evade are less-than-pleased specifus. Or, depending on how good/bad the crew is, some unpleasant customers who were fortunate enough to be at the same place at the same time as the Conics. Nevertheless, there is a great amount of suspense at the end of the story, balancing out the comedy presented earlier by Wrecktrix's loud eating and the mysterious green slushy that I really think Ellipse doesn't want to learn about.

Furthermore, I like the tone of the piece. The mostly abandoned station has an eerie air to it, thanks to the shadows and its quietness. I'm half-expecting Tejal to pop out from somewhere, given his overwhelming level of determination to find Ellipse, though I suspect she's successfully evaded him for now. In the meantime, the worldbuilding, as demonstrated by the conversation over why the station is abandoned, is fantastic, as is the growing characterization of Wrecktrix. He acts friendly enough, though I still am curious as to why he won't tell Ellipse about what the slushy is supposed to be. It's either gross and something she'd rather not know, or it's gross and what it is will be revealed in an unpleasant revelation, as a joke. I mean, I can't really trust anything that tastes like salted spinach and cranberries, though I've had both and I'm actually fine with them.

And that's about it. I can't find anything to critique, though this is the first time I've ever seen the word arpeggiated. Great job!




Ventomology says...


The next chapter is a total letdown let me tell you.



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Mon May 01, 2017 11:02 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



She sipped some odd, green slush from a paper cup and winced at the flavor. It tasted like salty spinach and cranberries.


BLECH. Any drinks that taste remotely like spinach. Ew ew ew. (Having made the mistake before of drinking a protein shake high in iron, which was mostly spinach and kale and was called "Green Goodness" but was absolutely *not* good.)

It was nice to spend some time with Wrecktrix after getting to know the other characters better. I like that there's now this mystery of why they don't want to spend money on earth. Humorous as always and great world-building!

The only thing for me is, I'd like to see why Wrecktrix suddenly is like, "Crap, we gotta get out of here!" Like, I think - does he open the door to the wrong ship here and sees its inhabitants?

Wrecktrix swung open the nearest door and stuck his head in, beak wide open like he was about to announce the start of a rabid fraternity party. But in the next moment, he ripped his head back and shouted an apology and slammed the door shut. He swore in his clicky language and tried the door about a meter down.


And then that's why he's like "oh, crap"? Because he saw some people he wasn't expecting? I just wasn't clear on that point. So if you maybe have Ellipse hear their voices from outside or something, that might help.




Ventomology says...


Yeah... even I'm not sure where anything in this chapter came from. I need to keep my wits about me when life gets rough.

Thanks as always!



User avatar
1081 Reviews


Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Donate
Mon May 01, 2017 9:38 am
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in once again for another review!

Keeping the Green Room clean, naturally I'm here for a review. I'm actually quite the fan of the descriptions in this chapter. For example, the beginning paragraph with details such as images similar to this:

the crustaceans were tinged with blue and grew a thin layer of fur through their shells.


Or even later on, you show this strength here:

As Ellipse trailed after Wrecktrix, cringing at every crunch and smack, she peered at the unlit docking bay signs that lined both walls. Compared to the Fold Terminals, this pit stop was near-deserted. The flickering white lights cast hollow shadows across the curved floor, and a few neons signs sprayed colors onto the walls. The matte metal floors were scuffed with years of dirt and dust.


Even though I'm a fan of this aspect of the chapter, that doesn't mean that the others hold up. I found this chapter to be a little weak regarding the plot, but there's also the dialogue in this chapter that I enjoy. You do a pretty good job at keeping your characters away from becoming talking heads most of the time with the writing that you imbue around the dialogue, but I also wanted to give a reminder that there's more to communication than the auditory aspect.

I don't see the plot progressing forward too much from here, and if it is, it's slowly. Maybe that's how you intended to write this chapter--sure it's fun, but a little bit of it is filler, and I think you know that since you're a skilled writer. That doesn't mean the whole chapter is this way, though, because I do see development happening here, it's just worked into with a nail and hammer. Overall, I believe it's a solid chapter that could use refining when you get to the next drafts--I had a pleasant time reading it, anyway!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image

This review courtesy of
Image




Ventomology says...


I was definitely floundering for this chapter and the last, but I think I've got a solid direction again. Plus life has been getting in the way of the weekly deadline. I'm glad you enjoyed some if the descriptions!

Thanks for reviewing!




i exist in a constant state of confusion so its ok
— veeren