High on a slope forgetting his hope.
Basking in the cool rays of the sun.
Pondering how much longer can he run.
Knowing that the finish line, just short of sublime, cannot appease it's dear friend time.
That ticks away in it's frantic rhyme.
Minutes, seconds, hours, months, years.
For it to hears that the sun's rays still shine and the racer still stands high.
On a slope of forgetting, where the sun's rays shine.
So here we are watching life go by.
Like a forlorn racer, he had strayed from his line.
Wandered so far as to open his eyes.
Making sure that his path was to crime.
For here in the thoughts of a young man died.
For here in the face of a church bell's chime.
We expect that the end is a cold hard bend.
Which racer and his feet cannot comprehend.
We expect here his flight does end.
But they rise together and they walk yet again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
15253,
I really loved this!!!!! This was fantastic in many ways!!!! I really just love the overall flow of this piece, and how the rhyme wasn't exactly set, like zsmith said, but it flowed naturally anyhow. I also loved your reference to a runner going to a finish line, as that is where we are all heading in the end. And even though we know this, we still continue onto our journey of life! Overall, this is a Fantabulous(is that a word? XD) piece, and i can't wait to read more of your works! Write on!!!!
By the way: Happy Review day!!!!
With Love,
SpencerReidIsMyLife
Hey there!
I was instantly drawn to this piece by the title - which is rare for me, people rarely come up with a title as poetic as the poem itself. So well done for that!
I liked that there was no set rhyming scheme - you rhymed where it fit, and not every one can pull that off, but you did it really well, none of it was jarring and it all flowed well, except there was a lot of full stops that halted the flow a little, I feel like a few of them should be commas instead since not every line is a proper sentence in its own right, some of them are sentence fragments.
Example:
Wandered so far as to open his eyes.
Making sure that his path was to crime.
I feel like after 'eyes' there should be a comma instead of a few stop. there were some other lines like that too.
There was one line that irked me;
"For it to hears that the sun's rays still shine and the racer still stands high."
I don't know if my brain is just not comprehending the sentence right or if you've missed a word, but to me it didn't make much sense, mostly the "for it to hears that" part.
Also; "Bet they rise together and they walk yet again."
Was "bet" supposed to be "but"?
Anywho, I enjoyed this piece, very poetic with a deeper meaning that isnt forced, good job, keep writing
-Zsmith
Thanks o7
Ruro here for a review!
Keep writing!
Wow, I really liked this! I like the rhyme you have going on here! It also has a very deep meaning, like we're all runners going to our finish line (or that's how I interpreted it!)
On to the review, eh?
I think your rhyme scheme here was intentional, or seems to be. The pattern to me appears to be: abbccdefghf etc so it's a bit wonky here or there, but it works!
Someone might suggest to change your punctuation up, but I enjoyed it this way! It feels like each line is just a complete thought and a fact, and it is really well put together!
The only thing I could think of is maybe changing up the two lines were they start with "For here" but, meh, I like it, but someone else may not!
So overall I really, really liked this and the message it conveyed! Good job
This one must be wandering now!
~Ruro~
Thankee