Through many days that come and go, the sun and moon both go to show
Through summer spring and snow and rain.
All tantamount the awful shame
Of being, knowing, never showing
Confidence, façade a' glowin
On to another much simpler plunder, harder to blow on silly blunders.
Gratitude and grace thrust forth and forth.
Padding layers: gentle force.
What and why? Who and how? Questions answered ne'er aloud
They might be near! They see! They know!
What secrets will they reap to show?
The world may laugh and hiss and stare! The sky will fall the moon laid bare!
Catastrophe is always close, so caution must be held utmost.
What saddened truths and happy frowns. Beaming tears and sunlit howls.
What silly disasters! Messy wastes!
When juvenile romance is at stake!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This is amazing. I'm just not sure how else to describe it. That might have something to do with the fact that I'm not entirely sure what its about, other than the fact that it's coming from the mouth of a senior. A senior who has spent way way way too much time reading Shakespeare and wandering around in Hot Topic no less. Ah, and one suggestion, the line, "what silly disasters! Messy wastes!" Silly and messy don't quite seem to fit with the vibe of the rest of the poem. Overall this is a really funny, strange poem, and I love it.
XD didn't realize this came off as edgy. Thanks for your review.
This is amazing. I'm just not sure how else to describe it. That might have something to do with the fact that I'm not entirely sure what its about, other than the fact that it's coming from the mouth of a senior. A senior who has spent way way way too much time reading Shakespeare and wandering around in Hot Topic no less. Ah, and one suggestion, the line, "what silly disasters! Messy wastes!" Silly and messy don't quite seem to fit with the vibe of the rest of the poem. Overall this is a really funny, strange poem, and I love it.
First of all... *you're
I'm really hoping you used the wrong form of "your" in order to be ironic, but I'm not entirely sure so I thought I'd point it out.
I love the formal elegant language you mix into the angsty - casual themes of growing up.
I think the flow would be far improved with some more even line lengths, and maybe a lighter hand on the punctuation (we've got a lot of exclamation marks going on -- this does heighten the "drama" of the piece and emotional impact, but in a way cheapens it too, because it's repeated so much).
The ending was humorous, could have been blown up in a bit more bizarre/preposterous way for more humor impact.
Overall, the real wonder of this piece was how lovely the word choice was, absolutely on point and elegant without being archaic. The cognitive dissonance here was great.
Well done,
alliyah
on a scale of 1 to 10 i would give big
yes this is a review
gives review. likes 2 year old work. FeelsBadMan
Hi there!
I gotta say, I really did like this poem. I'm always a fan of consistent rhyme schemes and slightly deeper subject matter so this was right up my alley. I don't know if it was intentional, but someone with severe anxiety disorders, I really relate to this way of seeing the world. Like I say, not sure if that was intended but that was how I interpreted it.
Otherwise, pacing and rhythm were good, structure was excellent and vocabulary was great. Nice poem, keep up the good work!
Radrook here for another review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion that you find unhelpful. If in any way I offend, then I apologize in advance. Not my intention. Also, any interpretation is my own perception and not intended to be an inflexible claim.
Also, Sorry that I didn't see the humor involved.
That having been said:
Thank you for sharing this wonderfully descriptive poem on how a person tends to perceive the world when reaching an advanced age. I like the reference to the constant feeling that a disaster is near which permeates an aged person's thoughts.
How very true. The sense of impending doom or disaster is very intense during that stage of life because of failing health and the evidence which the mirror callously provides and the bitter realization that time is finally running out.The rising of moon and sun only serves to emphasize this.
Then there is the delving into the youthful past with its foolish romances and other concerns that seemed so important back then but now seem foolish. The horrible mistakes that will never be corrected but must be accepted. The lack of time which no longer offers the hope of a new beginning. The foolishness of-former juvenile loves. The poem makes reference to all of these.
One the other hand, the word "senior" might be viewed as referring to educational level at school. In such a case, the poem takes on another aspect. I think that this is the meaning you intended but I misunderstood. Apology.
Suggestion
The word "blow" has pornographic connotations.
The words "messy" and silly" seem trite.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.