Young Writers Society

Hello, happy review day!

This, my friend was absolutely amazing"! You didn't loose my interest at any point:D I love how effective this was, the fact that you trick the reader into thinking it will be about pen pal but it's actually d@v1d is a great idea. One wouldn't expect a story made of chat would be that scary/interesting; but you take this fact and you twist the expectations completely. In fact you make the story more personal since it is set in a chat room and most of us have used one at least once. The title is quite interesting to be honest. The idea that you made it look more like a username than a solid word, draws the reader in as the curiosity gets the better of them. This story has inspired me to go read the book since it seems to have quite an interesting concept. Your build up was kind of misleading. I knew something was wrong about Th3Mon$t3r from the first game, but I did not expect him to be a stalker. I was thinking that he would most likely be a serial killer since he likes hunting games and knows the nature of the dangerous animals. If this wasn't dedicated to the book I would want you to write a sequel where David comes off chat and approaches TheMonster. However, I don't think you need the ers and ums since no one actually does that in chat really. I would suggest showing multiple messages to show thought/disorientation. I love how it's the new member as the villan(even if it is a bit cliché). But by starting off chilled and then gradually building eeriness you catch the reader off-guard. I think it would be pretty effective if you kept at least on of the others in the chat room. That way we could have a clearer understanding of the characters.

Overall I really enjoyed this, well done ^-^

That's all from me,
Godly

Hi there, DrFeelGood here to review your story.

Wow! This. Was. Really. Engaging! It's really hard to write entire story only through dialogues and chat room is even harder a format to crack. I like the names of your protagonists. D@v1d, Penpal, Howard2002 and of course Th3Mon$t3r. Contrary to the previous reader who found that name a give away, I actually thought it was a smart way to hint your reader that he's the villain.

I haven't read Penpal, so I have no idea how much of inspiration you have drawn from that book. The dialogues in chat format are crisp. The flow of the story is neat. The length is just perfect. But the biggest issue is the climax. From the first game onwards, you managed to create a terrific sense of tension. You quickly introduced us to your antagonist, and D@v1d, the doctor causally telling him about his personality, knowing nothing about him. As the story was moving ahead, I was very well engaged but I sensed it a bit too early that the climax is gonna fall flat.

There was absolutely no emotional response to the climax. I had realized that this Th3Mon$t3r is gonna be outside D@v1d's house even before the second game. As a dramatic story, this is outstanding, because the drama was quite high and you easily managed to engage your reader through the chat room format. But the horror effect was thoroughly lacking. Horror has to shock me. This one couldn't. The predictable end also left me thinking why you compromised to cliched ending when you have the ability to write something which emerges me as a reader in your world.

Also, the chat room format is rarely seen in short stories. I think you should write something more challenging than horror in this format. Chat room stories have only been used for horror or shock value. Which was one of the reasons I managed to predict the climax. Try to use this format for writing realistic fiction. It might work big time.

Over all, this was a really gripping story which had tremendous potential, but couldnt really reach it's optimum. Left me s tad bit underwhelmed. Keep writing! Better luck next time!

I love the way this is in like, a chat form. It was definitely a good plot, with an even better climax that left me hanging.
However, Th3Mon$t3r was kind of predictable. The username just gave it away I guess.
Keep up the good work, and don't let my stupid critisism keep you from going.
~Aarica