z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

A Murderer?

by StupidSoup


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

When I was young I loved my mother. She used to tell me riddles all the rime and I loved riddles. Looking back I know that most of them were created purely for my entertainment. However, there was one riddle that I remember that stood out from the rest. It went like this, “what walks on two legs but is most like an animal, what talks like us but is impossible to understand, what thinks like us but bends all its thoughts on the thing we fear most.” This question left me perplexed and when I asked my mom what the answer was she simply smiled and said I would find out when I was older.

Now I’m older, I despise my mom. It started when I was ten years old. My mom began to ignore me; whenever I wanted to play with her she would brush past me saying she had work to do. I was old enough to understand that she didn't job and since I didn't have a dad I would always be alone in the house. My mom always left the house at night. She always told me it was related to her work. Her work also incorporated the basement. Every morning my mom would lock herself in the basement and whenever I asked what she was doing she would reply in a harsh voice, “work, now leave me alone!” I would always obey her and leave the doorway but as I got older I got more curious. As I entered my “rebellious” stage of life I always argued with my mom. Whenever she brushed passed me I would criticize her. Whenever she said she said she had to go to work I would insult her on how she’s so lazy and stupid. She never liked that.

One day I tried to follow her into the basement where she “worked”. She caught me of course. I never could sneak up on her; she always sensed me or something. She looked so angry I was actually quite scared she would hit me; She didn’t though, instead she told me slowly and solemnly to go to my room and go straight to bed. I didn't argue that time; I walked up to my room and slept. It seems I slept for a long while. I woke up at night to the sound of the softest footsteps imaginable. I sat up and heard the imperceptible steps suddenly stop. I slowly looked around. Nothing, I lay back again and closed my eyes but then,

Tap.

Tap.

Tap

I sit up again, I still see nothing. This time I do not lie down. I stand and go to turn on the lights. Out of the corner of my eye I see a shadow emerge. It lunges at me and I fall under its weight. It’s my mother. I see her maddened eyes. I throw her off of me, I'm not as weak as i look. She yells at me but i do not turn around. Driven by fear i throw myself out of my room and down the stairs. I can hear her pounding after me. It is neither fear nor adrenaline that propels me to the basement but sheer instinct. I close the door behind me and turn around. I cant see anything. I turn on the lights. Slowly, my finger flicks the switch. I can hear my mom outside banging at the locked door. I have found her work. Her "work". Her job, the thing that puts dinner on the table.

A pile of mutilated bodies sit in front of me. Severed arms lay to the sides. Human faces hang on lines of nails. I cant talk. I cant scream. I only stare.

I know the answer to the riddle now. That one riddle, how did it go?

"What walks on two legs but is most like an animal, what talks like us but is impossible to understand, what thinks like us but bends all its thoughts on the thing we fear most.” The answer.

A Murderer.


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54 Reviews


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Mon Jul 18, 2016 2:46 pm
postmalone wrote a review...



Awesome. I can't leave a proper review because my mind and fingers typing aren't connecting with all the thoughts swirling around my head like a swirlie. I read all your work. Wow. Wow. And, lemme say it again. Wow!!!! You are an amazing writer I mean, gosh. I can't believe this. You have raw talent and special skill to write like this. Wow.

The pile of mutilated bodies made this piece even more amazing. This is great just like all of your other work. Wow. I am def. following you until I die. Hey can you publish work and stuff and tell me so I can read it later on? I don't say that lightly but I truly mean it.

Thank you so much for posting. :) :)




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Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:33 pm
Hamsa wrote a review...



Woah! What the hell? That was so creepy! I could literally feel the hair sticking up on the back of my neck in the bedroom scene. That was so scary. I actually can't get over it. Then again that might just be cause I'm not used to reading horror :p mutilated bodies.. Ew. Awesome riddle though ;)




15253 says...


thx :D i practiced a bit in horror



Hamsa says...


I can tell :p



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Sat Feb 15, 2014 9:56 pm
cherrycanwrite160 wrote a review...



i found this stroy very interesting! the mom at first would seem nice to the child but then she starts to ignore him. the riddle seemed to haunt the boy even as he lon forgot it. but i am curious...why is the mom a murderer? is she a bounty hunter, how is she paid to kill? this was not explained too much and it leaves me wondering. i guess thats a good thing! overall great story!

p.s. happy valentines day!




15253 says...


Thanks!



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Sat Feb 15, 2014 8:29 pm
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EmilyofREL wrote a review...



Interesting. I really like the idea of this but I am DYING for more intensity and description throughout. I feel like I'm listening to someone tell me about what he went through instead of going through it with him. You know?

What is the rebellious stage of life like for this character? Is this the only way he's rebelling? Describe the sounds and the sights of the mother slipping away into the night. Does he have suspicions of what his mom does in the basement? Instead of just saying that the didn't like something or was angry, show us her anger: Does she roll her eyes, push him, snap at him not to talk like that?

The ending was awesome as far as twists go: unpredictable. But the tense jumping is a big issue. " I slowly looked around. Nothing, I lay back again and closed my eyes but then." Do you see how you switched from past to present there. The plot part of the story should be all in past. Don't change tenses until you say "I know the answer."

Overall, the plot's pretty strong, good voice. I'd recommend shortening your sentences and read this over again for typos and to find places to add imagery and description.

Keep writing! :)

~Em




15253 says...


Please keep reviewing my work! Please i know this sounds odd but i think this the best review I've ever gotten (no offense other people) Thank youuuuu!



EmilyofREL says...


You're so welcome! I recommend this fantastic resource for ideas of how to "show don't tell". http://thebookshelfmuse.blogspot.com/p/ ... aurus.html :)



15253 says...


ok thanks :)



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Sat Feb 15, 2014 11:30 am
thegirlwhowrites wrote a review...



OOOOh cool I liked this! And it's not ususal for me to like these kiind of stories so I congratulate you for that ;)
Lately I've been having a 'thing' for riddles so I found this enjoyable.
Maybe a suggestion I would give you is to change your title if you want the answer to come off more as shocking, since, as the reader, I sort of understood the answer just because it was the title to your story... But that's just something you might want to think about :)
While I liked your idea and I think you executed your story well, I believe there is room for improvement. I don't know, maybe you prefer it to be just simple and short, however if you wish to make it longer I suggest to add more description in order to really captivate your reader into your story.
I noticed in the second part after the three "taps" you tend to use "i" instead of "I" for example, here:

She yells at me but i do not turn around. Driven by fear i throw myself out of my room and down the stairs.

I would advise to change that.

Secondly, whenever you start your speechmarks, you must always have capital letters after them. Like here:
Every morning my mom would lock herself in the basement and whenever I asked what she was doing she would reply in a harsh voice, “work, now leave me alone!”

"Work, (...)"

She looked so angry I was actually quite scared she would hit me; She didn’t though,(...)

You put a semi-colon and then a capial letter. Typo or want to change it to a full stop?

Anyways, really nice original story, pleasure to read!




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Fri Feb 14, 2014 11:31 pm
Magenta wrote a review...



Hello 15253,

Happy Valentine's Day and Happy YWS Olympics! Welcome to YWS as I see that you've joined recently. Wow! You've already submitted things and have done several reviews. I'm glad to see you doing some things around here. I find that newbies tend to be inactive through their first month or so. I myself haven't done much here and Ive been here longer than you. Anyway, this is Magenta here to review your short story that you submitted, A Murderer? I must admit that when I first saw the title, it immediately caught my attention and drew me to read it. I love titles that draw a reader's curiosity and provoke thought. I wanted to see what or who murdered something or how the title relates with your story. I think that this was a well-written piece and I truly can't wait to see some more of your writing flowing through YWS. I have a few things that I can point out to you. I didn't read the other reviews, so if I repeat anything, just ignore it. Anyway, on with this review? Oh, and I must also add that I offer my assistance with anything that you might possibly need, though it looks like your doing fine yourself. ;)

"She used to tell me riddles all the rime and I loved riddles. " I would just change "rime" to "time" so that it reads correctly. That's the way, right?

"Looking back I know that most of them were created purely for my entertainment." I would place a comma after the words,"looking back". It just seems like the place you need a comma. I would also place one here after the words, "my mom".

"This question left me perplexed and when I asked my mom what the answer was she simply smiled and said I would find out when I was older."

"Now I’m older, I despise my mom. I would just consider separating the words,"older" and "I", with a semicolon or the word "and" instead of having a comma otherwise it seems like a fragment sort of.

"I was old enough to understand that she didn't job and since I didn't have a dad I would always be alone in the house. " I would suggest using the words," have a", so that it reads,"she didn't have a job." I would also place a comma directly after that and after the word,"dad".

"Every morning my mom would lock herself in the basement and whenever I asked what she was doing she would reply in a harsh voice, “work, now leave me alone!” I would always obey her and leave the doorway but as I got older I got more curious."

I would change this part so that there are commas to punctuate the sentences properly. Commas belong after the words,"every morning","doing","doorway," and "I". This way it looks like this...

"Every morning, my mom would lock herself in the basement and whenever I asked what she was doing, she would reply in a harsh voice, “work, now leave me alone!” I would always obey her and leave the doorway, but as I got older, I got more curious."

Other than that, I think that you are good to go! keep on writing!

-Magenta




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Fri Feb 14, 2014 3:51 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So first of all I'd like to say, you do a great job ratcheting up the tension in the bit starting with "Tap. Tap. Tap"--not only through the words, but the formatting, the spaces between the lines.

Plus I love the riddle and the way you use it to tie the whole story together.

As far as improvements go: you switched tenses after the "Tap. Tap. Tap" bit. Prior to that, you used past tense, but after that you switch to present tense, even though you're still in the same scene. Luckily, that's an easy fix.

Now, I think this could also be fleshed out more. It doesn't have to be much--if you like it as a flash fiction piece, that's fine, and obviously you want the murderer scene to be the most significant, so it makes sense that you don't write the rest as full-on scenes. However, I think you could draw that bit out more.

For example, rather than saying "one day I tried following my mom to the basement, but she caught me and got really mad," show us the day the narrator follows his (? her? I'm just gonna go with "he" for now, just because I need to pick a pronoun) mother to the basement. Is his heart racing? Does he sneak along after her, or does he openly follow her to the basement while annoying her with questions about her work? Does his mom blow up at him, or does she stare at him in icy silence until he becomes so uncomfortable that he heads back upstairs without argument?

If you show us this scene, then it will add to the drama of the scene where the narrator realizes his mom is a murderer. And I don't think you'll have a problem writing it that way, because, like I said, you're clearly good at writing tension.

Let me know if you revise. I'd be happy to review again for you.

Blue

P.S. Welcome to the site!




15253 says...


Hey :) Thanks for the review. I liked your comments and i will try to work harder on my story. Reviews are always welcome to me!



15253 says...


I can revise? Like, you mean repost?



BluesClues says...


If you want, but if you go to your portfolio and click on your work, it'll take you to an editing screen and then you can revise it without posting it again (and not use up any more points).



15253 says...


cool thanks!



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Fri Feb 14, 2014 3:44 am
findingmyway wrote a review...



wow.

That's all my brain is saying, hold on let me recover, your brilliance has left me speechless.

Okay. I love a good scary story and I love how this story is written around the riddle. I don't think I have ever seen that before and I thoroughly enjoyed it. That was defiantly my favorite thing about the story. I thought the onomatopoeia really made the moment intense.
I really don't have anything negative to say. I am actually a little scared of my mother now. hahaha.

Keep up the good work!
~findingmyway




15253 says...


wow. Thank you :D i haven't gotten a good comment in a long time!




Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)