z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

The Last Archon CH1: Remembering Shadows

by StupidSoup


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Morn sat on top of the hill, sword across his lap. The gray blade shimmered in the noon day sun, reflecting the mass of darkness below him.

A pity

He looked out across the arid landscape, taking in the dry breeze nagging at his cloak, the sand softly tinkling against his armor, the sun beating down on his hood. This certainly was a place of death.

And I suppose it shall be again

The enemy was amassed before him, an angry black slash against the ground. To be honest, that was the only reason he wanted to kill them. Morn liked the desert and a seething mass of soldiers was hardly complimentary.

From below, a dozen cries lifted into the air. All at once, the army began to move forwards, trudging up the hill. Morn stood as well, stretching, sweeping his gaze across the battlefield. Another cry came from the enemy, and the frontlines surged forwards, feet kicking up dust, armor clanging, weapons shaking in their hands. Morn's eyes darkened behind his mask. He glared at them pointedly, telling them to stop. The noise was unbearable.

The soldiers kept coming, eyes fixed on their target.

Morn sighed, then lifted his sword up to his shoulder and floated down the hill.

The soldiers kept coming, eyes fixed on their target.

Eyes shining with fear.

He grinned behind his mask.

Morn crossed the distance between them in two steps. His first cut sent the entire frontline tumbling backwards.

Morn stood still for a second, slightly surprised, he hadn't meant to hit that hard.

The next line broke and ran at the sight of their fallen comrades. Morn sighed again, this time in exsasperation.

His next step took the fleeing men by surprise, slicing them all in two. The third line met him, striving against their enemy unlike their predessecors, but pushed on by fear rather than courage.

Enough of this

Morn pointed his blade forwards, sending a roaring gale of icy whiteness into the army.

Suffice it to say, there was nothing left. Morn grumbled in annoyance, the black scar was still there. A scorch mark etched across the beautiful desert.

Its you own fault.

He shook his head.

Oh dont you deny it, you never could erase marks.

Morn grumbled again, turning and walking away from the battlefield. He slowly glided along, a shadow passing over a wasteland. Here and there foxes scurried, alarmed by his presence. Lizards scuttled under rocks, fearing for their lives. Morn killed one or two of them just for that. Fear was for the weak.

You've feared once, a long time ago.

Images of a burning gate flashed across his mind's eye, of a shadow blocking out the sun.

He shuddered, pushing the memories away. Those were from a different time, seen by a different person.

Morn, Morn, Morn, those are your memories. Yours.

He continued walking, passing old dead shrubs and sun bleached boulders, staring into the sky as if resigned to fate. Suddenly, his feet flew out from under him, sending him to the ground. He looked back, giving the rock that tripped him a disgusted look.

But it is unlike it's brethren.

The rock stood tall, yet unbleached, shining dully against the sun. Morn studied it, his mask hiding a thoughtful look.

He picked himself up, brushing dust from his armor, and stood there. He looked at the rock, then the sun, and he saw the black mark etched into his memory.

Leaving so soon?

Morn looked towards the north, there a proud mountain range loomed, cold and alone among the sands.

Fine, have it your way. If you dont like something just leave.

Morn muttered in annoyance and, turning, sliced the rock in two. He kicked both halves into the sand.

Oh boy, mighty strong you are.

Morn sighed and rolled his eyes and glared back at the rock. His glare saw the two halves sealed together, good as new. He stood there, watching the rock, contemplating. Then, without warning, he snatched it up in one fluid motion, stuffing it into his cloak.

Now you have aquired a rock. Well done.

He shrugged, slightly confused, then continued on.

Morn would likely never return here. In fact, he was sure of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katya lazily strolled down the dirt road, the only road the tiny town of Molin.

Somehow she hated that the most.

Molin was a quiet hamlet, nestled in some un-named mountain range. Population thirty and five.

The sign of the Dancing Dragon loomed up in front of her, the only Inn in Molin. Katya trudged up the stairs and pushed through the door, entering the chill interior. It was morning and many were still asleep.

"Katya! Early as usual! How are you this fine day?"

Katya sighed, smiling at Brutus.

"I would be hard pressed to call five in the morning daytime."

Brutus laughed in his booming voice.

"It is always daytime in the Dancing Dragon yes? Come, eat some breakfast if you have not had any already."

Katya shook her head and somewhat eagerly walked over to the bar. Brutus went behind the counter and grabbed a bottle of FireBrand, Molin's own ale.

"So, another day."

Brutus opened the bottle with a satisfying pop and poured to glasses of the stuff, passing one to Katya before replying.

"Indeed. Another day. What is on your schedule for it?"

Katya sighed.

"The same as yesterday's, and the day before that, and the day before that."

Brutus's smile turned wan.

"Certainly as the head of this fine establishment you could think of something new yes?"

"What would you have me do? Throw a party? Put on a show? Theres nothing I can do in this goddamn town. I'm powerless!"

Brutus banged his glass down on the table and glared at Katya.

"Dont you go on like that, carrying all that pity on your shoulder! You're beginning to sound like Gorman!"

Katya returned his glare.

"Since when did you start giving the orders in this fine establishment?" She spat the last words like a curse.

The two sat in silence for a time, their anger simmering. At last Brutus spoke, looking away from Katya.

"I am sorry. I must control myself. You understand, I get a bit overzealous sometimes."

Katya's glare softened.

"It is forgiven. I to have a thing or two to learn from this...conversation."

Brutus sighed and walked out from behind the counter to light the large fire pit at the center of the Inn. The two were silent. Brutus tending to the tiny flame, Katya looking down at her feet.

"So uh..."

Brutus's voice was like the clash of steel on steel, shattering the quiet like a knife. It set Katya on edge.

Why?

"Perhaps nows not a good time but there is a slight problem I forgot to mention."

Katya just stared at Brutus as he turned away from the now roaring fire. His face looked grave, backlit by the blaze.

Brutus looked around then quickly trotted over and whispered,

"They're back."

Katya's eyes widened and she stifled a sob.

"No! No, no, no not like that!"

"Then what the hell do you mean? Their back! What the hell am I supposed to take they for if not them!"

"I-I meant them, its true. But theres nothing to worr-"

"NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?"

Brutus simply stuttered, trying and failing to console his friend.

"What did they do? Brutus did they ask around for me?! DID YOU SEE THEM ASK FOR ME?"

"NO! No, I didnt. They entered town and left without talking to anyone. They didnt even stop at the Tavern. Trust me when I say they are gone and theres nothing to worry about."

Katya paced back and forth, a hand held to her mouth.

"We need to leave."

Brutus jumped, startled by the very idea.

"Leave? No! This is all we have Katya!"

"Yes but-but what if they find me? What if-"

Brutus took her by the shoulders and shook her, eyes wide with a mix of terror and anger. Katya could hardly distinguish one from the other.

"You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me. Here."

The room was silent. Brutus slowly let go of her and turned away to face the fire. Katya stared at his back, angry, confused,

But mostly scared.

They both stood still, like statues, figures trapped in a scene.

"Come with me."

The words flew from her lips unbidden. Brutus gave no response.

"Come with me"

The man slowly clasped his hands behind his back. Katya still stared, her eyes tracing the creases in his shirt, widening at the soft glow of the fire on his figure. He looked dignified, something she never saw in Brutus.

"Brutus I-"

That was when she heard the low whistling sound. Instantly, Brutus's head snapped to the windows. Katya squinted at them as well. A fine dust filtered in through the shutters, swirling eraticaly in the rising wind.

"Whats going on?"

Then the door slammed open, as if to answer him.

Together they rushed to the door. Katya got there first. She peered out into the fog of sand.

Sand?

"Why is there sand outside?"

Katya struggled to answer that herself. The wind howled now, sweeping small rocks and dirt off the street and into the air.

"KATYA! WHY IS THERE SAND OUTSIDE?" Brutus shouted, fighting to be heard over the gale.

"I DONT KNOW! HELP ME CLOSE THE DOOR!"

Brutus nodded, moving to assist her. The door slammed shut beneath their combined strength.

"Katya."

"I dont know why theres sand outside!"

Brutus stared at her for a spilt second, then hurried over to the basement entrance. Katya followed him, knowing what the action meant but at the same time hoping she was wrong.

Why?

"Katya."

She looked down at him from the top of the stairs.

"Im going to get the books. You get the weapons. I'll go back around and clean everything up when you're done."

She nodded, then rushed over to the backroom and grabbed the weapons chest, dragging it over to the bar. Then she went back, sweeping the remaining blades from the weapons rack and carrying it over to lay down on top of the chest. All the while, the wind roared louder and louder. Sand gushed throught the windows and she had to cover her nose with a cloth before returning to the backroom.

Katya rummaged through the piles of vegetables, searching for a lost memory. The dust was oppressive now, howling as if it had a voice, wafting through the hazy light and sending rays of sun scattering across the room. The vegetables seemed to turn brown, dying before her very eyes. A voice in the back of her head told her it was only the sand settling down on them but Katya hardly heard it. She threw aside the rotting food, desperatly trying to find that lost memory. It was the only thing that still shined. At least she hoped it did.

"Katya! The books are all packed!"

She didnt reply, blocking out Brutus's voice. Where was it? It had to be here!

"Katya?"

"Ok! Ok I hear you!"

She ignored the sounds of indignant protest,

Where is it!

Brutus's steps sounded deafening, each footfall resounding a thousand times in her head.

Where is it!

She kicked apart the pile of food, wildly smashing apart the bags. It had to be here!

"Katya what are you doing?"

"My sword! Where is it?"

Brutus's arms wrapped around her wild figure, restraining her.

"Calm down. Calm down, its ok. I have your sword."

Katya heaved a sigh of relief, then choked on the dust.

"Bring it to me. Please."

Brutus complied, reaching behind him and pulling out a sword from the pile of books.

"You left it on top of the bookcase downstairs."

Katya gazed at it, her breath hitching as a storm of memories lay siege to her sanity.

Pull back! Pull back!

All men to the West wing! The West Wing has fallen!

Help us! Help uAAAAGGGHH

Save us.

"HEY!"

Brutus's hand connected with her face, snapping her head sideways.

"Theres no time for that! Look!"

Katya blinked, returning to reality. The door had slammed open again, the wood shredded and splintered.

"Ok, lets g-"

"No! Look!"

Brutus pointed at the door again. Katya stared at it. The wood was shredded yes. Tiny splinters flew off caught by the gale. Then, as she watched, the sand suddenly turned darker, deeper, shade of ugly brown.

And the door disintegrated before her very eyes.

"That's, thats impossible."

"Its magic Katya! This is elemental magic! Somwhere in that storm a mage of astronomical power is moving towards us. We have to use the back door and run down the mountain. Are you ready?"

Brutus shoved a strip of cloth into Katya's arms and without waiting for her to put it on, pulled her by the arm. Together, they ran through the back room to the door, Brutus leading the way and Katya tying off her makeshift bandanna behind him. A new sound had entered the caucophany of noise and it was by far the eeriest.

From behind the both of them there came the sound of wood and stone being grinded down to nothing.

The two burst out into the hazy light of the storm. Katya squinted hard against the waves of sand, struggling to see ahead of her. The two bolted up the main street. Katya could see the sillohuettes of others running the same way.

"WE HAVE TO GET DOWN THE MOUNTAIN BRUTUS! GET OFF THE MAIN ROAD!"

There was no response from Brutus. Katya opened her mouth to shout once more but instantly regretted it as sand instantly assaulted her. The shadow of the Tavern passed to their left .

"BRUTUS!"

"WHAT!"

Katya choked on another wave of sand before shouting.

"WE JUST PASSED THE TAVERN! THE SAFEST ROUTE IS JUST LEFT OF THE NEXT BUILDING! KEEP AN EYE OUT!"

There was again no response but Katya knew she had made herself heard.

More shadows passed the duo. Some lay ont he ground, unnmoving, others bolted down the hill, unknowing of the danger that lurked there.

Then she felt Brutus make a hard right.

A right?

"BRUTUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Still no answer. But up ahead, two sillouhettes stood out against the storm.

Katya struggled against his grip, but it held firm.

"BRUTUS! TURN AROUND!"

The sillouhettes became darker, more defined as they got closer, and Katya could make out the symbols on their chest. A white sun with two squares around it.

The Order.

Suddenly, Brutus turned on her, grabbing her by the shoulder and shoving her forwards.

Katya's sight blurred as her head hit the ground. Brutus stepped over her and approached the shodowed figures.

"I HAVE BOUGHT HER! NOW GIVE ME WHAT YOU PROMISED!"

In response the figures passed him and approached Katya. From her tilted perspective, she could only see their shoes.

"YOU SAID YOU WOULDNT KILL HER! GIVE ME WHAT YOU PROMISED AND BE OFF!"

Katya looked back down the street, dazed and confused. The deadly shade of sand was getting closer, swiling up the dirt road. She could almost make out a figure in the middle of it. She looked back a the shoes only to find them gone.

"HEY! WHAT IS THIS! I DID WHAT YOU ASKED!"

A low chuckle sounded off to her left.

"MY DEAR BRUTUS! GIVE ME A REASON WHY WE SHOULDNT KILL YOU HERE AND NOW? WE HAVE WHAT WE WANT! IN YOUR STUPIDITY YOU BOUGHT HER RIGHT TO US!"

Katya tried to sit up, confused. Brutus had led her right to them?

A blow to her head sent her back own to the ground. Her vision blacked out for a second before coming back. Her first sight was the deadly shade of sand. It was almost to them. In the middle of it, a figure approached, a foreboding shadow.

"NO! I HOLD YOU TO YOUR WORD AS A MEMBER OF THE ORD--"

Brutus's voice was cut off and a dull thunk reached Katya's ears.

They attacked Brutus.

Katya's mind was suddenly alert, alert enough to hear Brutus's body hit the floor.

They killed Brutus

An animalistic roar escaped Katya's lungs as she rose from the ground, fists raised. The Order turned in slight surprise just in time to see her fists collide with their faces.

They killed Brutus

She whirled down to one knee, unsheathing the knife she always kept on her thigh.

They killed Brutus

She came up on the right of her first opponent, parying his strike and slithering inside his guard to bury her blade in his ribs. She pulled it out, turning to face her next opponent.

"TOO LATE KATYA!"

A blade found it's way past her waiting knife and through her shoulder. With a cry, Katya fell to the ground, her fall softened by a body.

They killed Brutus

She looked up in horror as the Order placed a foot on her stomach and pulled the blade out of her. Her cry was louder than the last and lasted for a second before cracking. Instantly, she felt the coppery taste of blood on her tongue.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT! YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER RUN AWAY! YOU ARE OURS!"

Katya looked at the gaping wound in her shoulder. Blood gushed from it, sending rivers of warmth down her side. The Order raised his blade, eyes gleaming madly.

"ARCH-LORD DARIUS TOLD US DEAD OR ALIVE KATYA! DEAD OR ALIVE!"

The blade descended, arching down towards her skull. In a last defiant effort, she looked to the side, attempting to roll away.

And her eyes met with Brutus's

They killed Brutus.

Katya looked back up and watched as another blade appeared out of nowhere and skewered the Order.

But Brutus betrayed you

The man fell, mouth gaping in astonishment. Katya turned in the direction the sword had come from, trying, as her vision darkened, to see who her savior was.

A man in the blackest armor strode towards her, the storm behind him, following him like a trained dog.

And she knew him. A single word escaped Katya's mouth before her vision failed and her head slumped to the ground.

Morn.


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1085 Reviews


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Thu May 19, 2016 10:42 am
Mea wrote a review...



Saw this in the Green Room and figured I'd go ahead and review it.

I like this. Your ideas are interesting, and I really like Morn, and Katya too. I wanted to get invested in her character and keep reading. I especially liked the very beginning because it gave such a good insight into Morn straight away.

The problem is, the main thing I felt disjointed while reading this. Most of the time, I review things and I have to tell people to split up their paragraphs because they go on for half a page. But here, most of your paragraphs are only one or two lines, which is fine for a while, but it began to make everything feel choppy and disjointed.

For example, there should be a noticeable tonal transition from them sitting in the bar or whatever to the fight scene. Typically, fight scenes would have the shorter, snappier sentences, while them sitting in the bar would be a little bit more relaxed and detailed wrt setting. (That shift is important for reader emotion - it really helps with suspense.) But because it was the same really short paragraphs all the way through, there was none of that transition and the work as a whole felt choppy.

It wasn't just this by itself that made this chapter feel disjointed - it was a multitude of small things mostly grammar-related. As SpiritedWolfe pointed out, you have a lot of missed periods, apostrophes, and other small grammar errors that, en masse, really made this feel unpolished.

The other main thing that bothered me was the all-caps during the fight scene. It was used too often for my taste - it's really easy to make everything feel cheesy and shallow with all-caps. I would understand if it were just Morn's dialogue that was like that, but because Brutus' dialogue was in all-caps once or twice, it just decreased my ability to take what was going on seriously. (I also was occasionally confused about who was speaking - using dialogue tags more often would help.)

As far as plot and story, this was well set-up. I wanted to love this - it was just small presentation details that disrupted the experience for me.




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Fri May 06, 2016 1:53 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Heya, Numbers! Ready for a review? :P

Ah, Morn. You just love that character, don't you? He's the same as usual. Dark, deadly, hiding from his past. But I do like the new addition. Katya seems like an interesting, strong character to read about. (Sort of, aside from the fact that she was so easily tricked. I mean, it was kind of strange in the end that she didn't notice he was bringing her right towards the people.)

Overall, I felt this was written pretty well, but I do have a few suggestions ^^

First off, I noticed early on that there are a lot of participle phrases throughout this that are tacked on the end of sentences. While, I do like the extra details that they give, it gets a bit repetitive. It's the same reasons that you wouldn't have simple sentence after simple sentence -- without much variation, it can get dry, choppy. I recommend trying to add a little bit of variety within the paragraphs, since I did like those one line breaks that were simple, to the point.

[Quick little thing: there seems to be a few things missing here, punctuation wise. Missing periods, apostrophes and sometimes a letter or two? I recommend a read through of that.]

Oh dont you deny it, you never could erase marks.


Two things! First, comments like these should be in italics, because they're his own thoughts. I really liked those kind of contradicting lines that just spat in your face -- they did well in developing Morn's character a bit more than a mass murdered. But still, it was a bit confusing when first reading them. Also! As I mentioned, most were good, but at this point, it kind of became a bit much. I mean that in the sense that before it was once every few paragraphs. Then it sort of became a conversation rather than nagging doubts. Rather than a simple and blunt line, it turned into a little more and I feel like it lost its impact.

Now, I don't mean you should scrap it, but I feel like you could tone it down a bit. Perhaps keep that blunt effect every once and a while. (But I don't really see the point of having it come back again and again when he's dealing with that rock. The "leaving so soon" is just strange to me -- that was probably the marker when it became too much. In my opinion, at least.)

[Another quick note: the part when Katya is having flashbacks should also be in italics :3 That sets it apart from what's happening currently in the story.]

So, there are two main parts that I see are large "repetition" parts. The second is bigger than the first, where Brutus is killed. Honestly? It feels strange to me. I can understand the shock that Katya'd go through, yet she seems to get over that pretty first. Yet, it doesn't really show us anything to have that. I like the repetition of "attacked" to "killed" to the "he betrayed you", but much of the extra lines about him being killed doesn't change anything. If anything, it's just repeating the obvious. I could understand if there would be a change (ie going from school to anger to despair) but I don't feel it. It's just there. Make me feel something!

I brought up the first repetition ("The soldiers kept coming, eyes fixed on their target.") because it felt really weird to me. I read it and did a double take. It felt too redundant, and broke the flow more than it contributed to anything. Repetition works a lot better when it's far and few between -- or however that saying goes -- and more in your face than anything. Otherwise it seems like a mistake. That line felt more of a mistake than anything.

I'll only briefly mention this, but I don't understand the fight scene. It felt like there were a lot more enemies than what was brought up and if there were as many as my first impression of their size was, Morn would not be able to strike down so many so easily. Also, why were they there? It doesn't make much senses, and it might show up later, but for now it seemed like a chance to be all, "Oh hey! Look at the hardened killer, Morn! But he's actually a person, don't worry ^^"

Other than that, I quite enjoyed this. The scene with Katya was written well and I'm rather curious to learn more. Just be careful not to be too vague and then leave the reader in the dark for too long :3

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe




StupidSoup says...


Thank you! This means more than you know. I'll get to it right away!

(Morn's supposed to be like a god so that's why he can take out so many ppl. But I should probably make that clearer ;)




History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte