z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Mim

by StupidSoup


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Good morning reader. Have you ever met a short boy with black hair and blue eyes? I am now him, regardless of what you say I am now him. I know where he lives, I go home there everyday to my “mother.” I know how he acts, I must to exhibit his attitude, his emotions, his likes and dislikes. I know why you like him; I know why you dislike him. I know why you’re wondering where he is. I know you haven’t seen him for at least two weeks. Its time you knew. I believe you know his username on your favorite chat room, it is:

*15253 has joined open channel. *

15253: yo all :P

Chkulz: eyyyy

ScaryaDmin: wb :P

Mim: wassup?

Why yes, I know you’ve never seen the name Mim. I think you can guess who that is.

15253: Mim? You new?

Mim: y yesh :3

15253: ah. Welcome bro :P

ScaryaDmin: he joined at 3:00 at this morning.

Mim: <.<

Chkluz: ya he does that. Scary admin powers <.<

ScaryaDmin: spooky aint it

15253: Did anyone give him a walkthrough bout rules? I hate freakin noobs >:(

ScaryaDmin: I did.

Mim: ya im good :)

Mim knows where you live now. Mim is on his way. Mim knows you might hear him if he breaks in. Mim also knows how to distract you.

Mim: So wassap 15?

15253: im good, u?

Mim: awesome. Am currently listening to sum LP. LOVE IT.

Chkluz: Boo

15253: <.<

Mim: <.<

ScaryaDmin: <.<

Mim: how dare you sir >:(

ScaryaDmin: ssslllaaassshhh baaaan chkluz

15253: Dafaq u talking bout son D:<

Mim: XD

15253: Actually imma put on sum headphones right now. LP FTW

Mim: lol das ist good bro :P

Chkluz: poor me :(

ScrayaDmin: to bad LP FTW

15253: mmm. Blasting my eardrums atm

Mim: ya i know.

15253: u do? How u know?

Mim is here. Mim can see you through your window. A short teen with black hair and blue eyes. Mim is coming up there.

*Chkluz has left the chat*

*ScaryaDmin has left the chat*

Mim: Your windows open man. You might catch a cold.

15253: wait woa woa woa wtf?

Mim: little boy with straight black hair, look at your beautiful blue eyes. They look scared.

15253: what the fuk?

Mim: look out your window little boy. I see you

Mim sees you. You’re staring at him. Staring isn’t nice. Mim thinks you’re rude. Mim doesn’t like rude people.

Mim: Your friends will love you in the morning.

15253: get the fuck out of my yard!!

Mim: I’m not in your yard, you must have looked to late. You missed my beautiful face.

15253: please. Don't kill me I’m just a little kid I didn't do anything

Mim: Oh please. I don't think you have to text chat anymore. I’m pretty sure your close enough to hear me.

Mim can hear you now. He likes your frightened little voice. “Please, I don't want to die, I haven’t done anything wrong I-I just want to live.” Your voice is surprisingly squeaky. Mim’s voice is nice and deep. What’s that? You don't like it? It’s scary? Mim doesn’t like that, Mim like his voice. What’s that? Begging again. It won’t do you any good. Mim walked for a long time to get here, he is quite tired and would like a place to rest. Your room looks good, if only you didn’t inhabit it. Mim will remove you.

*15253 has left the chat*

______________________________________________________________________________

Mim is your friend now. You see? It was easy, it was fun! Mim likes fun. A lot of people don't like Mim’s type of fun they say its’ to “grotesque.” Mim doesn’t like that, Mim thinks he is quite beautiful. The fact that Mim swallows people or replicates them doesn’t stain Mim’s beauty, Mim just thinks of it as a bad habit, you know, humans have some to: drinking, smoking, insulting. Yes insulting. Mim has had a lot of humans insult him and Mim doesn’t like it, Mim thinks insulting is a bad habit that humans need to break. Mim is your friend now. Mim hopes we can get along.

*Mim has joined the open channel*

Chkluz: ohai there Mim

ScaryaDmin: wb :P

Moriarti: hi mim :|

Mim: heyall :P hi moriarti

Mim knows it’s you Moriarti. You shouldn't tell them about 15253. Mim doesn’t like snitches.

Chkluz: wassap?

Mim: still listenin to LP :P

Chkluz: :|

ScaryaDmin: <.< chkluz u know u love it.

Mim: lol ud better chkluz XD

Chkluz: >.>

Chkluz: <.<

ScaryaDmin: do u? o_o

Mim: ud better o_o

Chkluz: eheh um…

Moriarti: cmon guys XD

Moriarti: im with chkluz Lp sucks!

Mim: >o>

ScaryaDmin: I challenge you!

Chkluz: Saved XD

Moriarti: its2v2. Equal match now.

Mim: 0_0 shes right

ScaryaDmin: ya but im admin :)

Mim: ha take it :P

Chkluz: nu DX

Moriarti: stay out of this mim -,..,-

Mim: hey, that's insulting.

Moriarti: :|

Moriarti: I dudnt mean it.

Mim: mebbe u did :o

Moriarti: Fine fak u I did >:(

*Moriarti has left the chat*

Mim: How insulting.

*Mim has left the chat*

He’s coming for me, I pissed him off. I know I shouldn't have its just that I was under so much pressure trying to ignore him. Shit, I need to run. I got to get my parents out of here, he will use them. I-I can’t let him do that.

“Mom Dad wake up!”

“W-what is it honey?”

There voices are slurred by sleep’s grasp. I need to wake them.

“For god’s sake Miriam its three o clock in the morning go the fuck back to bed!”

“No get up now. I’m serious, there is someone coming, someone you do not want to meet. Get up and pack we cant fucking stay!”

“Miriam what’s going on? What person are you talking about?”

Their voices are getting worried. They’re waking. I run into their room and throw off the covers.

“A there’s a man coming to kill us. He’s real it’s not a fucking dream. Pack all your stuff now!”

My dad gets up he walks towards me. No, I don't have time for this.

“Listen Miriam I don't have time for your shit. Go back to bed before I make you.”

Oh god. No. He’s here. I know it. I have to run.

“Fine, fuck it good luck.”

I dash out of the door.

Mim is waiting for you. Mim smiles at you. Mim got you, you snitch.


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User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 286
Reviews: 7

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Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:55 pm
Hamsa says...



That was so scary I want to cry.. It's put me off chatrooms for now and I'm way too scared to look out my window.. I don't know what it is about your story but I just couldn't stop reading no matter how creeped out I was..




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Points: 240
Reviews: 9

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Mon Mar 17, 2014 3:55 pm
Minjeong wrote a review...



Wow this is really cool and creepy. I started reading this because my name is "Min" and am glad to have done so.

I just have a few minor comments to could hopefully improve your story :)

-try to delete parts of the story that you don't need. You repeat a few times, but try not to because that's when readers just skim through right down to the end of the paragraph.

-also, like Demeter said, try to distinguish the chat room parts and the narratives. It'll just be easier to read.

-try not to ramble so much in the chatting parts. I understand that's how people chat, but for example:

"Chkluz: >.>

Chkluz: <.<"

you don't really need this.

Also this:

"Moriarti: :|

Moriarti: I dudnt mean it."

you could put that as one line maybe?

-And at the very end line, write it as one tense, like "Mim waits for you. Mim smiles at you.." (and so on)

Anyways, I loved this writing piece!




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878 Reviews


Points: 35199
Reviews: 878

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Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:29 am
Demeter wrote a review...



Hey there, 15253!

Well this was certainly unique! As Bloodink said, I haven't seen anything like this before, either. It's interesting when writers think out of the box!

I thought the chat room idea was pretty cool. However, I noticed myself just scrolling down and letting my eyes skip through the chat bits that weren't crucial to the story, just like I often do in a real chatroom. I think that's something to think about, to make sure the reader does not behave like they would reading a real chat conversation. I know you want to make it as authentic as possible, but I'd suggest removing some of the chat material (the bits that aren't vital information, like discussing the music and who likes it and who doesn't) and possibly expanding on the actual text.

Also, some bits of the actual narrative between the chat conversation were difficult to notice, so perhaps you could make those bits italicised or maybe put the chat bits in italics? That might make it easier to distinguish between the bits.

I wasn't entirely sure who the speaker was in the end. I assume she was called Miriam, but that confused me more because of the Mim character that was referred to as "he". It was confusing, because Mim is a nickname of Miriam, but here they seemed to be different characters? I think whatever your meaning, you should make it a bit clearer for the reader.

Even though there were quite a few things that I wanted to point out and give suggestions on, I did enjoy the fresh new idea and the chilling twists to the story. Thank you for giving me something different to read!

Good luck!


Demeter x




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530 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 530

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Thu Feb 06, 2014 12:41 pm
Renard wrote a review...



Hey.

I have never seen anything like this before.

Your opening line is actually quite aggressive. When I started reading, I noticed the formatting and the language were not standard English practice. This is really strange. It's also very hard to read.

When I got to the end, I didn't quite understand the point of what you had written.

I think you've got some good ideas here, they are just really hard to follow.

You kind of go into proper dialogue at the end, which is really confusing.

Sorry... I think this needs some serious editing.

Keep writing.

~BSF




15253 says...


1: The grammar is very bad in the first part because they are text chatting. Text chatting often uses bad grammar.

2: The reason why the dialogue becomes correct is because it symbolizes Mim turning from an innocent kid he uses to lure prey to a bloodthirsty killer.

3: The story has no point.




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