The dirty street lamps flicker, carving themselves slowly into the eyes of people who walk by. Painting a facade of something to escape. They look up, so many, not hating the grey sky above. Nevertheless, there is nothing to love about a cage.
In the corners, in the nooks and crannies of the iron bars there lie rats and roaches. Surrender and dreadful acceptance burns at the chains around them. Some may escape, slipping through the cracks in the armor but they are few and far between
Those who are trapped blame the bumps in the road, tired and angry at the reason that stares back at them in the morning. For most it is referred to as a Rat Race, but rats only run towards the shadows.
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140,635 Literary Works • 673,572 Reviews
I'm not entirely sure why this work is categorized as poetry. I would suggest changing the genre to short story. It is written in paragraphs which is untraditional in the structure of a poem. You could alter the structure to make it more poetic.
.All in all, I like the imagery you created here. Specifically I thought the following was interesting:
I would consider editing your sentence structure. Although some great images are conjured up by your diction, it is sometimes lost because of your run-on sentences. The one quoted above is a bit of a run on, and although "painting a facade of something to escape" creates ambiguity, I would elaborate more on this concept. I don't quite understand what you are trying to convey. I would make it clearer to the reader, if possible.
The second line is very strange as there is no specific subject. You use "They" but you haven't introduced anyone or anything to be referring to.
There is a way to convey ambiguity to create that "distressed" mood but there is not enough substance for it to be effectively done here. With just a couple of edits, you really have something.
I changed the wording in the first and second lines. Do you think it works? Thanks for the tip
Hi, PaperNessa! Have you ever heard of prose poetry? Prose poetry is written like prose, in paragraphs rather than verse, but contains the characteristics of poetry, such as poetic meter, language play, and a focus on images rather than narrative, plot, and character. This falls under that category. Just hoping to inform!
Morrigan, I disagree. There is no defined cadence, and this work reads like a narrative. It is limited in poetic devices and possesses more descriptive words. There's no rhyme scheme or apparent meter. If StupidSoup was attempting at writing a prose poem, I commend them on doing so. But this isn't a prose poem.
Okay, I'm here just to make a short review on this work. Shalt we begin? :v
~
This is going to be a rather short review, for what I'm going to point out is pretty much consistent through this entire work. I can't say I liked the topic you covered, for I honestly didn't really understand it. Perhaps I'm a moron, or you expressed it wrong (Most likely the first one), but for those with minds as mine I'd recommend you to reconsider your wording.
Second complain/problem/whatever you call it, is that you are not using neither stanzas nor other poetic tools to strengthen your poem, which is bad. There's no way around it. It's simply not good. I'd recommend you checking out on metaphors (Which are the most used stylish resource) but you could just as well use more ellipses in order to create more fluency for the reader, and so forth.
Keep writing
How can I make the theme I'm presenting clearer? Could you also clarify on what you mean by other poetic tools (I did the stanzas thingy just now
)
Thanks a bunch for the review. I wanna make this the best I can.
i personally wasnt the fan of this.
i understand that you were aiming for something deep and poetic that resembles fear but the delivery tainted that. you use long sentences without breaking it up into stanzas, which could be a stylistic choice but not the best one you could take in this situation. it leads to lines rambling on and on, really impacting the flow this poem could possibly have. the way you tried to inscribe fear into the reader's mind was an interesting choice, but it doesn't end up reaching its full potential. the lines, the delivery, and the way it was set up with simplistic fear grabbers impeded this poem's goal.
thanks.
However, it would be beautiful as a short story!
no, it honestly wouldnt. its way too vague to be one and would probably warrant the same exact review.
how can i make this reach it's full potential
dont make it vague and faux poetic.
dank