Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
(Just wanted to take a break from all the hard hitting emotional stuff. Enjoy!)
I look across the field. The king's guard stands at the tip of the triangle with his axe resting against the ground. The warlock is to the right of the knight, his hands flowing with freezing mist. I stand in my armor with my shield to the left of the warlock. The sun has not risen yet, rays of light shoot out from the horizon, illuminating the east. The birds do not sing today, the air is still, even the clouds are static; waiting for the sun to rise. I turn my gaze to the horizon just as the sun rises in all it's shining glory.
I execute a perfect spin and deflect an ice spike shot from my right. In the same motion I switch weapons to my bow and make a perfect shot towards the king's man, he deflects it using the haft of his axe and dashes towards me. I knock another arrow, this one enchanted, and fire it at the ground in front of the warlock. A wall of flames bursts from the arrow, I roll under an incoming blow from the knight and switch weapons again. I bring my shield up and deflect the king man's axe to the side. In that same movement i switch hands with the shield and pull the king's man in front of me blocking a bolt of ice from the warlock, he dies instantly and I push him forward blocking any plans for an additional attack. I roll to the left and swing my shield towards the warlock's ribs. He dodges and a sword materializes in his hand. He switches the sword from right to left and strikes. I block it and push forwards, he deflects my push and strikes out with his leg aiming to trip me. I spin backwards and block an incoming ice bolt and with the momentum of my spin send my shield hurtling towards the warlock's neck. His decapitated body falls to the ground and lays there. I walk out of the clearing.
(I guess it's not so mood lightening is it? I'm just into stuff like this so yeah :P)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Hello, random combination of numbers!
First of all, just a few nitpicks to bother you about.
Without the comma there the shield itself is to the left of the warlock when you really want to mean that your character is standing to the left of the warlock. I know it seems like just a little things, but it's those small technicalities that make a big difference in the overall picture.
That is not the correct way to use a semicolon. Semicolons are used to connect two ideas that are closely related in topic, but on their own are independent clauses or, in other words, a complete sentence. "Waiting for the sun to rise" is not an independent clause, therefor the semicolon should just be a simple comma.
Considering the amount of action in the second paragraph, the ending was extremely anticlimactic. I understand, in a way, the imagery behind a fighter simply walking away from carnage with ease, but I think it could have been executed in a better way. Even something a simple as a new paragraph holding only your ending line could have been beneficial. Also, in the action scene, everything felt too rushed. There was not much fluidity between lines. While the fight did seem intense and was honestly interesting, it read like stop-motion - if that makes any sense.
Overall, this was a good read. But with a little work on that fluidity I mentioned, it could get even better.
-RP
Hello! I'm Nike, here to review! Happy Review Day!
The title is really driving me nuts. What is it supposed to imply?
The First Paragraph
You switch tenses which is not good at all. Try to stay in one tense, or explain why you switched during the story. And you say the king's guard and then knight, is that the same person or...? Is the MC (main character) standing away from them or near them, because from what I read I feel like the MC is standing next to them. If that's not true, you might want to rephrase what you wrote.
The Second Paragraph, Part I
I am very confused. Is there a night and a king's ma/guard? Or are they one person? Please make this clear. There are different ways to phrase people, so I would believe that king's guard and knight are the same. And the action is not really 'action packed'. Make it more emotional, detail it.
The Second Paragraph Part II
Um, well, nice ending. But it can really imagine what's going on, all you're doing is telling me, not showing me. There is a difference.
Overall, this was a good story. I liked the idea of magic mixed with knights. Medieval maybe? It was well written. You only had a few mistakes here and there. The plot was sort of lost. What was the MC and why was he fighting them? What's the reason of the MC being there? Please elaborate. The fighting is interesting, but also knowing why is great.
PM me for anything!
¬ Nike
This seems less like a short story and more like a storyboard for an ultra-violent Flash movie. Ever heard of Madness Combat? Check it out, you might like it.
There's a lot of focus here on where everyone's standing, where everyone's swinging their axe, and where everyone's head is rolling. The question which isn't answered here is "why". Why did these things happen? Why do I care? The piece does not attempt to make me care; there's nothing riding on this battle, it's just a disembodied combat scene with zero context.
The piece uses a lot of descriptive language, but very little actually ignites the imagination. My eyes began to glaze over when I started reading the over-the-top combat sequence, not only because of the aforementioned "why do I care" problem, but also because it's so... literal. It's like trying to eat a loaf of bread without any milk or water or tea to wash it down. Where's the dialogue? Where's the metaphors? Where's the imagery? This is just a combat equivalent of the police-sketch description (usually found in romantic works): "He was this tall, this muscular, this handsome!" That doesn't do much. I want to see the ice spike, I don't want to just hear that it exists.
There's not much else here that I can say. Unfortunately, this piece has no redeeming qualities. Start from the plot, not the combat in it, make the combat matter, before throwing it in your readers' faces. Best of luck.
Your ice spike,
cC
lol i did this just for fun so there really is no why XD
Alright fallen reviewing here so let's get started. I completely love your adventure genre warlocks and mid-evil stuff is my Achilles heel. Now let's get started on your style shall we? I enjoyed how you went through the actual terms such as " he deflects using the haft of his ax" it was quite enjoyable. Although I did not enjoy the shots a suggestion is try using different words for the word shot so the whole story is now shot, shot, shot, shot. I enjoyed how the warlock materialized his sword it was very cool. Now for the nit picking part like I said before try using different words for shot. Also another suggestion is that perhaps continue it further so you may see what your character do next? instead of just destroying the warlock. Next, My favorite part was your imagery I very much enjoyed how you describe everything. :3 My favorite part was this " The sun has not risen yet, rays of light shoot out from the horizon, illuminating the east. The birds do not sing today, the air is still, even the clouds are static; waiting for the sun to rise. I turn my gaze to the horizon just as the sun rises in all it's shining glory. " I enjoyed it because of your imagery. over all, Well done and keep writing.
~fallen
So is this part of another story? If so, you may want to mention that just so we know that some description is left out because it is somewhere else.
There's just a little nitpicking to do. You forgot to capitalize an I in the "same movement I switch hands with the shield..." Also, just after that, you say "he dies instantly" I can infer from earlier that you meant the soldier, but I had to reread it. If you mention another male character between the first use and when you use the pronoun, you need to clarify.
You say that the warlock is standing in one corner of the triangle and that the king's guard is right beside him. This makes a picture of them side by side. Did you mean it that way, or did you picture it as all of you in different corners of the triangle?
You deflect shots from the warlock a couple times, but how? Is it with your shield, sword, or with your own magic? If this is clarified in other sections of the book, again, you may want to mention that this is a fragment.
This is just a personal preference, but you seem to like the word deflect. Use of synonyms could help make the scene more vibrant. Deflect makes me think that it bounces back or is a glancing blow. If you use block it makes me think of a certain strength in both parties that deflect lacks. Repel also works, and seems more of a forceful action. Again, this is just a personal preference.
You say that you simply walk out of the clearing when you are done. This seemed like such a pre-arranged duel that it seems unnatural for a character to simply leave without taking a prize. Maybe even just to gloat. There may be a reason for this, and if there is, a little description would be nice.
If this is a part of a bigger piece, I'd love to read it! Keep up the good work!