In the Shadow of the Day

I just didn't think this captured the emotion enough for me. I think you told without portraying, and that was what made this not work out. It needed more depth, more face rather than just form. There seemed like there could be so much more for you to tell us, the whats and whys of what was wrong, so that we could share your emotion and pain.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

For some reason, this failed to invoke the emotions that it seemed you were trying to invoke. I couldn't really relate to the piece.. not because of a lack of shared emotion, but there was no reason, no cause behind the depression you described. It was simply... there. Describing emotion is not enough.. it can be in very few instances, but here it was not. I would give cause behind it, allow the reader to look into the life of the sadness, the seed of it.

I would also consider adding in more description.. metaphorical phrases are key in the describing of emotion. Don't ask me why. I don't know. But it always makes it click.. comparisons are one of the best ways to describe. I would also think about broadening the word choice a bit.


Despite my lack of ability to fully relate to this as I wanted to, I did enjoy the piece... you have nice phrasing, and a nice cadence in this piece. Good job. c:


-Coral

Heya, Hero here! Cool avatar by the way

Alright, I have to say that this poem failed to get me down. I hope that was your aim. And no, I know it's not as easy as just writing the opposite of a happy poem but seriously I just had to read about your days getting sadder. You speak of it as if it's something sad and the poem expects me to click and really think about the words. But the truth is that the best poems are the ones that stand out. That invoke emotion in the rocks if you know what I mean.

I think the main reason it failed to get me down was because it had a, "I dunno. It just feels like that," feel. You don't explain why you're so sad. You just say you are. And expect that to stand alone well.

I think the best way you can do this is by making an observation of something, instead of simply explaining something. Like... take a sword for example. Or a pen. We all perceive these two things differently and how you perceive this can make us realize just what kind of person you are. For example, some of us younger users find bears as sweet creatures that eat too much and are the shapes of honey jars. The older users see bears as quadruped mammals that mean nothing to them because they don't have bears in Africa. And yet other users see bears as endangered (especially in the case of polar bears). And depending on what we say about bears, we can deduce the person saying that.

Re-reading your last line I realize how much gravity there is in your poem. Another way of portraying this, besides making an observation, would be to simply list a bunch of reasons. Turn on CNN and watc it for ten minutes or even five. Easy to get a bunch of stuff to say then. I think you could've changed your title to "When Life Was Worth the Living", just because it doesn't evoke as much thought as it does curiosity.

Anyway, that's my say. Hope it helped. Your writer buddy,
TheNewHero