Falling to Break

Hello, first of all I'd like to say I'm extremely sorry for not getting to this earlier. I just found it today -Yes I do indeed fail life- Secondly I'd like to apologise if this review doesn't reach the requirements...I haven't been reviewing in a while.

I’m tripping,
falling,
crashing,
burning
into ashes,
black as night.

All alone,
nowhere to go,
nowhere to hide
from the lies,
that cover the scars,
that mark my arms.

To rest in peace.
To rest in pieces...

I liked it, but there were some places with commas unneeded. "So leave me broken-- to disappear, into dust."
Maybe "So leave me broken, to disappear into dust." would be better. I also found stanza three quite repetitive on the use of "can't" It's not bad, and it follows a pattern. Overall I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks for posting!

Looking over this now, the simicolons bug me... I'm gonna change those now. Well, thats for all the help!!

~Rain~

Hey, SR! =) Jash here again. I'm pretty sure you already know: my comments will be in pinkish font.

SilentRain wrote:And agian, like many others, this is an old work...

I’m tripping;
falling;
crashing;
burning;
into ashes,
black as night.

I'm not a fan of the semicolons. They were a bit distracting. I'm not sure, but were they designs? Grammar speaking, semicolons are meant for dividing sentences, right?

All alone;
nowhere to go,
nowhere to hide
from the lies,
that cover the scars,
that mark my arms.

I can’t run;
I can’t hide.
I can’t go back.
Can’t get away
from this broken down,
hollow home.

I’m locked inside,
falling down,
to hit the ground,
break into pieces,
way too small
to put together.

So leave me broken--
to disappear,
into dust.
To be forgotten
just like the rest.
just leave me here;

To rest in peace.
To rest in pieces...

Hi there,
Okay, so the first thing that jumped out at me reading this was the choppy quality of it. It's really hard to get into a poem when there are only phrases, you know, little tidbits like that, I hate to rewrite other people's poems for them, but see how you like it if it goes like this:

I'm tripping, falling, crashing,
Burning into ashes, black as night.
I'm all alone, with nowhere to go
Nowhere to hide from all the lies

You get the point.
So, I feel really bad when I review poetry like this, because it always seems to come from a really personal place, but the thing about really personal poems is that they only feel real to the writer. Falling to pieces may seem like a real experience to you, but to the reader it's just a metaphor we've heard over and over again; it's a cliche. So you, SilentRain, have a choice to make. You can either allow your poem to be a personal means of expression, your own way of getting your pain off your chest, or you can alter the poem to be an expression of human pain, that we can all identify with. And to do that, you're going to have to think carefully about your word use. Take "Black as night" as an example. Night is black. We know this. We've seen it and read it before. But what if you said "Black as a cat's judgmental eye" or "Black as the seaweed that washes up along the shore." Use phrases that draw the reader into the experience, because when we're not writing purely for expression, we're writing to share our experiences with others. Make your experiences one of a kind and your reader will appreciate it.
PM me if you have any questions

This works really well with the style you've chosen, it flows nicely and I really like the last two lines. Two little minor things I thought you could improve; the third verse, the repetition of I, I'm not sure you need it, I think it works better with only the I at the beginning and not repeated in the next two lines. The fourth verse, "way too small to put together", the way sounds a bit peculiar there, it's a different sound from anything else in that verse. Other than that, it's good and I really like your style