Dreams of falling
angels wings burning
blood red tears dripping
falling into hell
white light
turns to black
Where there was once life
is now a lifeless nothing
monsters hide
behind human faces
that cheat and lie
and fake smiles
to earn the trust
of the young souls
Demons disguise
as a fun little game
all the while
gaining the trust
and graining away
the lives of the youth
Who’s mind swirl
twirl and whirl
in a smoky haze
due to the drugs
that claim so many
dooming them
to a life of addiction
There fighting against
a force greater then themselves
trying to grab a hold
but only catching smoke
This is the fate
of those that get hooked
strung out
and pulled under
by the drugs
that tempt the youth
of today
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Alo Rain! Call me blind, but I couldn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes, that hasn't already been pointed out,so everything I'm critting on is personal preference and my opinion
I absolutely wuv this piece!!
Here, don't remove yourself from the poem,it takes away some of the emotion, and some people might think of it as patronising...
I don't like the due to the drugs bit. For me, one of the wonders of poetry is that you can interpret the poem in anyway you want, so that way someone who has some sort of other addiction can also relate to it. Also, as the teenagers we are, it begins to sound a bit like an anti-drug lecture and most people (specifically druggies) will automatically switch off then, so for it to have a bigger impact, phrase it more indirectly. The same in the last stanza. Wow that sounds kind of harsh... anyway, besides those two points I really liked it, its well written, and I love the way you describe the drugs, but like I said, don't make it that plain, but you can still make it pretty obvious you're talking about drugs, and since the reader (assuming he/she is a druggie) won't lose interest as soon as they read 'due to drugs', I think it will have a big impact. Keep writing!!
Hey! Good descriptions and I like the way you have those descriptions but also present an important message without ruining your poem.
The first three stanzas are good but there are some grammar mistakes I came across here and there.
Overall, I thought you did a good job with getting your message across while staying poetic. The first stanza is a good opening for the poem, though the last stanza seems to state the idea like a conclusion and doesn't flow as well. Maybe put a simile in there, like instead of "This is the fate..." put something like "The fate of those... is like...".
Good job and keep writing!
You're on to something here, the way in which you describe drugs as deceiving demons is fantastic and expresses the darkness that can be drug addiction. Your poem has a good flow to it, it's easy and enjoyable to read with an important message to young people.