Well, this is an older write of mine, I was looking over it and jsut thought to add some stuff. I still thing it needs more work though. Tell me what you thing.
Do you see her as she is?
A bleeding heart,
laughing to hide the pain.
That she’s tired of lying,
tired of crying,
tired of it all.
Her mother won’t even look at her.
She just can’t stand the sight,
of the girl that looked like her father,
who died on wet roads one stormy night.
Do you see him as he is?
A broken soul,
trying to drink away the memories.
That he’s tired of trying,
tired of yelling,
tired of it all.
His father beat him.
He said it was disciple,
but what did he do wrong?
Anything at all?
When she picks up a blade,
with one cut,
she’s gone.
When he picks up a gun,
with one shot,
he’s gone.
You could have saved them,
if only you had look past the surface,
because under the mask,
they were crying for help.
Look a little harder,
ask that simple question,
listen to what they tell you.
You might just save a life...
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A very sad poem, but anything that involves reality is sad.
Do you see her as she is?
A bleeding heart,
laughing to hide the pain.
That she’s tired of lying,
tired of crying,tired of it all.
that line made me think of my friend and made me think of her, thank you of reminding me of the sorrow that might be out in the dark.
Do you see her as she is?
A bleeding heart, cliche
laughing to hide the pain.
That she’s tired of lying,
tired of crying, use more interesting words, these are boring
tired of it all.
Her mother won’t even look at her.
She just can’t stand the sight,
of the girl that looked like her father, oh la la, this is an interesting line.
who died on wet roads one stormy night. seems a bit forced
Do you see him as he is?
A broken soul, clichheeee
trying to drink away the memories.
That he’s tired of trying,
tired of yelling,
tired of it all.
His father beat him.
He said it was disciple, discipline?
butwhat did he do wrong?Anything at all?
When she picks up a blade,blade, cut, ugh. You lose the serious atmosphere you're trying to create by so sparsely decorating the lines and using words like 'cut'.with one cut,
she’s gone.
When he picks up a gun,
with one shot,
he’s gone.
You could have saved them,
if only you had looked past the surface,
because under the mask,
they were crying for help.
Look a little harder,
ask that simple question,
[u]listen to what they tell you. They didn't tell us anything. They're 'mask'ing what they're feeling
You might just save a life... not dramatic enough for this message.
Unoriginal idea, but it ha potential because if you pull it off without making it cliche you'll be someone's hero.
Good luck, keep writing!