So, most of you on here have already read a lot of my poems. Well, this is the very first poem I ever wrote. I wrote it from a school thing, we had to write a free verse poem on anything, and this is what I got. I had never consider poetry before this, and if I never wrot this, I never would have got itno writing. It was written arounf Dec. 1, 2008.
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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
So, I've finally gotten around to this request. I'm so sorry this is so late.
The first thing I'll say, even if it is in a spoiler, pleasepleaseplease never do the whole: "Yea, if by the way you didn't get it, my poem is about this."
Don't ever, ever do that. (I'm begging here) it just defeats the purpose of any poem whatsoever. You may as well make a post that says, I wrote a poem about depression, but read the poem, even if you know what it's about.
Poetry is about slowly unravelling something to your reader, like peeling a clementine, or any other fruit of your choice. You peel it until you get to the sweet part you can eat, but you don't hand it over to the person you peeled it for, "by the way, this is an orange, in case you didn't know." because they do know, and if they don't they'll ask what they're eating. Even then you don't tell them, you let them take a bite first.
It defeats the purpose of anything you've written.
Another thing that irks me, is that you've made this so forward with the typical descriptions of depression, so by adding that, you're basically shoving it down your reader's throat. You can explain a poem when the idea, the metaphors, the concepts, are complex. Not when you resort to the cliches everyone has heard of. For example:
Really, what's not straightforward about that, and it's just a rewording of something that has been said, and associated to depression/sadness a million times over.
Before you go explaining your poem, make sure you have an interesting, original concept worth explaining.
Think of it this way:
Everything has been said before. Look at before you. What makes poems original and usually good, is when you can approach it differently from anyone else has. You want to hack your way through the jungle, rather then take the worn down path, metaphorically speaking.
Best of luck. If you have an questions, or want further explanation, drop me a PM.
Kamas
Tiger here to review per request. Comments will be in bold, and because this is poetry most of them will be just that: comments. Not necessarily corrections.
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All in all, this is great. It has a good flow, and can be easily seen as a depressing poem. My first poem wasn't nearly as good! Great job, and KEEP WRITING!
TIGERSPRITE
P.S *likes*
First, I would like to thank you for sharing this in 'YWS! It's great to see first time works. LOL
=)) I don't have any nitpicks; i hate nitpicking poetry. =P But I honestly do not get it. =P It was too blunt, I guess......
Ooo, a poetry request; I'll see what I can do! As promised, I am here. I just want to warn you I am not the best with poetry but I will try my best.
I. Nitpicks:
I think you have the 'S' placed in the wrong position here. It sounds a lot more flowing when the 's' is transitioned. This is all up to you, though. You do not need to change it.
Children sounds a lot better then child.
It should be where, not were.
II. Plot/Arc:
This is very sad. I did end up getting its about depression, why do you write such sad things that make me wanna cry? You have talent, that is for sure. The way you described the mood of the poem with a few words is just bewitching, I must say. I was enticed from beginning to end. Your word choice, again, was brilliant. Forgetting the few muckups, I really felt everything used was great! Perfect, even.
I do not have any negatives but that you should write poetry about happiness as right now, I feel very sad. And that is not a bad thing, that just shows that your talent to spin words is good enough to cast emotion. One thing that you may want to work on though is I ended up singing this a song as it came to the end. I mean, I took the rythem of Pink's new song and matched it perfectly.
To me, that is very cool! I mean holy dooly, we have a lyric mastermind on our door steps. Though for poetry, I do not think that it supposed to happen. Maybe it's just me and I'm being irrational as always or maybe your linking of sentences is to sing-song-y.
III. Overall:
This was a brilliant poem to end my day off. I may be a little sadder then I was a few minutes ago, though that is no biggy. I didn't have much problems with this, but I do suggest one thing. Go check out the Lyric thread, you could find yourself a new home. You've got talent in that department, do not let it die out. Again, I'll re-cap: I liked the way you explained things and that it was bewitching and for a poet, that is brilliant. I wouldn't be surprised if you got an A++++!
Keep Writing,
Cassa de Review-ae.
Everyone...
I liked it very much Rain. But who left her alone?