I’ll march out of darkness
with my head held high.
I’ll march out of darkness
with my eyes to the sky…
I’ll come out of shadows
and bare my scars to all.
I’ll come out of shadows
and get up if I fall…
I’ll fight the demons
that come back to haunt me.
I’ll fight the demons
that torment and taunt me…
I’ll come out of refuge
and show myself to the light.
I’ll come out of refuge
no longer a phantom of night…
I’ll show the world
that I’m strong.
I’ll show the world
that I belong…
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,900 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Hey there!
Alright, so I wanted to start off the review with the basics: telling you what seemed awkward to me. These lines kind of disrupted the flow and beauty of this piece. I think that the number of syllables can be toned down in each of these, save for the last one that could use a few more syllables.
1. "and bare my scars to all" could be simplified by just saying 'bearing my scars to all.' I realize that you are going for repetativeness in this, but it gets a little expexted towards the end, so you can shake up the structure a bit.
2. "and show myself to the light" could be said as "showing myself to the light
3. "no longer a phantom of night" already seems like it's been simplified. But It needs to be a bit shorter. You might need to re-word the entire sentence.
4. "that I'm strong" is too short. Expand it into 'that I am strong'.
Okay, now that that's over, let's talk about meaning. I can see what this poem is about. It's about coming out of your shell, opening up to people, facing you 'demons' blah blah blah, but something I don't see in here is why. I would like a little explanation as to why your character is speaking like this. And maybe some sort of conclusion? This poem is like a story that starts after the beginning and ends before the ending. It has no debth to it, and doesn't really set itself aside, as in it's too bland. You need an edge to it that will make people remember it. I've heard all of these words before in this same way. Try to put a little bit more 'you' into it.
About the structure, like I say above, it's a little expexted. I can see why you wrote it like this, and it does have potential. However shaking it up a bit like leaving out an extra 'and' or changing the third sentence a bit from the first will make readers more interested. Not only the words express meaning, but also how they are written. Writers have found ways to make lines shorter, and faster. I don't know how, but they can do it. I think you need a bit of this in it, because frankly it got a bit boring. Maybe adding new puctuation like semicolons and colons into the writing to create a variety would help a bit?
keep writing,
Classy
Wow, girl...you're amazing.
Hello there!
I apologize for the delay. Anyways, here I am. :3
I have to agree with the reviewers above me. The repetitions you have actually made the poem into something like a... chant. Well, sort of. In my opinion, this lacks emotions and the deep message you're trying to convey to your readers. Perhaps trying with some imageries that can complement well with the concept of your "darkness". The theme is just too general to understand, almost cliche' actually. So, if you could've been specific at this, maybe that will be the time your readers can truly and deeply understand your piece.
So, all in all, I really think this has potential. You have a good rhyming but maybe you can refrain from any repetitions. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing,
Yuri
Hey Rain, here as requested.
This seems to me like it'd be more fitted to be lyrics than a poem, and even then, it's way too repetitive. Sure, the repeated lines work great to impose a (pretty nice) rhythm on the piece, but if you look at the whole it really doesn't bring much aside from that.
The main problem I see in this is that you have no substance, no story, no real emotion. You're more or less restating the same thing over and over again; in a different way, yes, but ultimately, what does the reader come out with that he couldn't gather from the first line, or knew before even reading? Nothing, is the answer, and that's what kills it. It's not just a redundancy from stanza to stanza, but even within them, in good part due to that line you repeat every time: you mostly seem to just expand your first thought, but in a way that gives no conclusion, no twist, no resolution--you're cutting yourself, and the reader, short.
This stanza is a good example of what I'm talking about. Okay, you're fighting the demons. "Haunt" and "torment/taunt" are basically the same thing, so what do we end up with? Four lines where you could have kept at two, and absolutely no real reason to keep going. Why? Because in addition to the repetition, you use rather cliché and bland images. "Head held high", "eyes to the sky", "bare my scars", "get up if I fall"... every line is one I've seen a hundred, if not more, times before. You need to switch it up a bit, make up some good imagery or give something that'll make us feel like reading this wasn't a waste of time: something that's new, or that touches us, or gives a point to it all.
You've got your rhythm going. Now get the rest of the poem on the proper foot.
Thank you both, I see what you mean though, about the sentances...
~Rain~
I liked this poem a lot, the rhyme actually works, which seems to be a rare thing in most poetry, unfortunately. The only problem I noticed is that at times the rhythm seemed a little off. These particular lines are
"no longer a phantom of night…"
"that I’m strong."
and "that I belong…"
The first line contains too many syllables, while the second two don't conatin enough. But those things are easily fixed. Splendid poem!
I would add something at the end (doesn't have to rhyme). The poem feels uncomplete
Show who ever you like, thats ok:)
~Rain~
I love your poems. Thank you so much. Mind if I show a few people I know? *LIKES* Sorry I couldn't review.
Well thank you, I wrote this awhile ago; I'm trying to revise old work that can be saved, lolz
~Rain~
This is amazing! The way all the sections are structured and yet perfectly rhymed leaves me speechless.
This part for example. I like how you had "haunt" and "taunt".
Very cool poem. There may be nothing to critique on (or that I can think of anyway), but just know that you've got talent.
~Crazy