Strange shadows
dance among the crowd
of black- gowned guests
spinning and twirling
‘round and ‘round
to haunting music
as candles flicker
the only light in the room
casting an eerie glow
on all the phantom faces
No one notices
or even looks my way
their like ghosts
at a haunted dinner party
so unaware
of me laying here
crumbling in the waves
of my crimson dress
No one hears my screams
my stomach churning cries
my screams and cries for help
help from this hurt
this agony seeping deeper
deeper and deeper into my being
Everything here is black
wrapped in shadows
that creep and crawl
with faceless apparitions
lost to nothingness
The crowd dances around me
as I’m reaching out
to find a hand
to help me up
but no one sees me
no one looks
they just pass through me
I’m falling into darkness
away from the candle’s glow
away from the black- clad dancers
I’m falling, burning away
no one sees me
no one hears my shrieking
as I fold in on myself
giving into the anguish
But I can’t die
not here
not with these strangers
that can’t even see me
I have to make it through
get through this song
make it through
and live on
But the darkness is pushing
me into a unfathomable void
with masked faces
all around me
I’m pushing and yelling
trying to get away
but the shadows have a hold
and I can’t break free
Darkness surrounds me
wrapping around my heart
dragging me down
down down down
to nothing and no one
I can’t go down
can’t let them win
I have to fight
got to get away
from this darkness
that is more
them just an absence of light
The abyss now spins
swirling and whirling
breaking away
as I’m screaming and fighting
against the shadows
against all the forces
that try to drag me under
and just like that
their gone
No more black- dressed phantoms
dancing to mournful music
now it’s only me
laying in my bed
laying here in a darkness
that is just the dark
with out the fading faces
I’m laying here
living and breathing
no longer falling
no longer dying
unseen
in a crowd
of black- clothed ghosts
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I really enjoyed this poem, especially the imagery with the black guest-ghosts and the waves of the crimson dress. Just a note to watch your use of "their" and "they're", i.e. "their like ghosts" should be "they're like ghosts", "their gone" should be "they're gone." It's something that really will make a world of difference--it will make this already-good poem sound so much more professional. You could even say "they're ghosts"...making a similie into a metaphor sometimes makes it stronger imagery, but that's a personal preference entirely.
I think that stanzas 5-11 repeat the same themes. You repeat them well, but you could combine those into one or two very powerful stanzas as opposed to seven ones that say the same thing in seven different ways.
But this is such a wonderful poem. Thank you for sharing!
Hey, Silent. Here again for a review. Oh, I'm slow. Forgive me...have been really busy. Okay, to avoid confusion, nitpicks are pink, suggestions are blue. =) Nitpicks should be considered; suggestions may be ignored.
Anyway, here it goes:
The word highlighted in violet should be replaced with another word. Maybe pick?
The line highlighted in violet should be altered. It breaks the flow of your images. When you say, "just like that.." what?? I really, really like the last line though.
Hi, Silent!
I think you've had a nice opening. I like the first stanza. It has nice images. But overall, the poem had too much images. There were stanzas where you elaborated too much on the darkness and what it feels like to be in it, you've added too much. Let's remember that this is not prose; this is poetry--a dramatic poem. You have to be brief and concise with words and with imagery. Be quick and clever. That's probably the trickiest part in poetry. You mustn't abuse imagery. Figurative language is used to emphasize certain parts in poetry (though the whole poem itself is a long figurative language). Do you get me? O_o I don't think I'm making myself clear.
I'd also like to comment on the punctuations, which you've barely used throughout the poem! I really think you should stick with standard punctuation usage for now.
If you have any questions though, I'm only a PM or a wallpost away!
~ Jashy ♥
P.S. Blessed Christmas! =))
Bravo! Very well done
i cant pick out a favorite part-- they were all too good! cant wait to read moree!
and one thing i particularly loved about this poem is the way you wrote it. it was very deep, and it moved me.
the way no one saw her- the way she suffered. i can visualize it perfectly in my head. the only red dress among the sea of darkness. good job!
and the only few flaws have been already pointed out ^ -^ continue your amazing work!
I see what the other two were talking about here. The poem overall is great, but there are a few words that need to be looked at such as cries and darkness in several stanzas. I would also tell you to use a few more punctuations, because the pause helps build the suspense in the poem. Good job though overall I give you a 95 out of 100
Hm... I think I like this pretty much, but I dont think you should build up the peom the way you did. The Stanzas got a different amount of lines all the time, and the lenght of the lines also variate a bit too much on a few places. But I like the whole story, so just fix it up a bit and listen to what Lily said and then it will be awesome
// Hugs and Hearts from Sagaa
Aww, the emo in me loves your avatar. Hi Silent Rain, nice to meet you, I’m Lily. *passes out cookies*
‘down’ is way too repetitive here. Honestly, the extra three are unnecessary.
You should actually say “I have (or I’ve) got to fight.” It needs that noun of ‘have’ to make it proper.
So, my main advice with this is to cut back. You’re repeating a lot of ideas here. And you don’t need all of that. Repetition may seem creative right off the back and you might think that it’s wonderful idea, but it usually isn’t. Sometimes, in fact, a lot of the times, you want to keep things shorter and sweeter. Make your point once, not three times.
Also, don’t forget about punctuation. Most of the time, poetry really helps with the way people read a poem. Your poem, in my opinion, needs it. But check out this article by Adnamarine to learn a little more about whether you should use punctuation or not.
Overall, though, the imagery in this poem is really cool and definitely dark.
Great job!
Oh, and don’t forget to check out the Welcome Forum and introduce yourself to the rest of YWS! And don’t forget to review too. Reviewing for others often times means a review for you!
~lilymoore