Another older work... What do you think??
We paint our skins beautiful
with arts of ink
rings and studs
We paint our outside beautiful
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelry
We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth
We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glass
Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned
by lies and deset
Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tear
destroying everything in site
Inside we bottle up insanity
never once wondering
about effect
We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death
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139,632 Literary Works • 672,636 Reviews
Heya SilentRain.
I'm here to review this, at last! Sorry I've taken longer than I normally do; I had a pile of requests, so I had to get a few others done before yours. Now, as for this poem! I've noticed that you don't usually use grammar in your poems. I don't know whether this is on purpose, but I think it might be. I'll still fix any grammatical nit-picks, but if you don't want to include grammar in your poems, then just let me know and I'll stop nit-picking your grammar... xD
Woop! My usenrame!
Not everyone is... I'm personally not that scared, poisoned, and ugly inside. I don't think...
Technically you said that demons were ripe as in the kind fruit is when they're nice to eat... Ripe fruit is tasty. I like the twisted imagery in this though, by the way.
Overall
As a whole, this was a good poem, SilentRain. I especially loved the imagery you created in it. It was vivid, original, and it kept the mood of the poem throughout it. I especially loved the way you opened this poem, and not just because my username was in the first line... There was just something about it that I really liked. Another thing I very much enjoyed about this piece was the theme of it overall, even if I kind of thought it was edging on melodramatic. You create some lovely metaphors in this, so I'm glad to see that you've been using them well. As for the grammar thing... I'm not sure if you purposely use grammar, but yeah... I did some punctuation nit-picks for you anyway.
My main critique is something that carboncore actually said. I found it kind of... harsh? to say that basically everyone are lying, poisoned souls inside. Well, I think you meant everyone when you said we. If this poem was based on, say, criminals, for example, I'd be fine with the we thing. Considering you didn't specify anyone in particular and used the word we, it made me feel as though you were talking about me along with everyone else. Let's face it, even though spreading the word that everyone is evil, lonely, and sad inside is fun, that's not reality. Not everyone is full of lies an deceit. I'm not, anyway... I'm a pretty happy person with no inner demons.
Except for that little hiccup, I can't really see much else to say about this. I'm bad at poetry critiques as it is... You've got plenty of good critiques, so all that you need to do is to take into consideration what they've said, and polish this poem up a bit. This has the potential to be really great! Sorry for the dodgy review...
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey, Rain! Happy to review for you again! Here's the thing, I like the theme of this poem, but the flow isn't that good like your other works. I know, I know, each work should be unique. But this seems to be lacking your style, Rain. I don't know. I've read your other works. I love the way you apply rhythm in your poetry. But this seems to lack that.
I like the last two stanzas the most though. Not only because it ties up everything, but because "effect" and "death" kind of are slightly imperfect rhymes. I'd like this more if you can apply that subtle rhyme scheme effect to all of the stanzas.
My other comments were in bold format.
This can be improved, Rain. I believe in your abilities. I'm a fan really. =)) Hope this helps!
Keep writing! =)
Lovely! Truly amazing! People these days NEED to read this. I really enjoyed this. You should probably add some punctuation, though. I loved it! Keep writing!
Hi my names matt and pop ate my heart. I'll be reviewing this for you today! Just to say this poem really caught my ye, so I hope you like my review and you find it helpful, but I haven't much to criticise, haha.
Loved this!Well for one I thought your poem was actually amazing! Well done! I could connect with it and resonate with it on a deep level which is always important to me. I ike the theme of the poem, and your use of metapor is astounding, especially the demonic reference, I love reading poems like yours, it reall highlights what most, if not all teens are going through and your apealing directly to your target audience. Well done again! I will keep an eye out for more of your work, your talented! Keep it up!
poP aTe mY hEaRtxx
That was amazing! I understand the feelings behind it, well at least the feelings I feel when I read it. You are an amazing writer.
I would've liked to see a little punctuation but still, it was an amazing poem none the less. 
~Dannielle~
Spoiler
You will find my review in the spoiler above. My comments are in red text.
Other than what I highlighted above, a large problem with this poem is that it doesn't clearly identify the "we". It cannot be all-encompassing; while it may apply to certain people, others might beautify themselves just because they want to look good.
The poem is a little one-toned - the lack of punctuation (and therefore excitement about the subject) gives a hint that you're not at all happy with people decorating themselves, which sort of ruins the ending. The ending, in particular, drags on a bit with describing how horrible it is to hide ourselves underneath all the fake beauty. It would be a much fresher, much more effective poem if you wrote 4 stanzas sounding like a door-to-door make-up sales representative glorifying the wonders of making yourself look good, then cut 5, 6, 7, and wrote 8 with the same upbeat feel as the first 4. THAT would be a slam-whack ending: the change of subject at the end obviously changes the tone, but the same upbeat feel would make it seem like we think it's perfectly OK that we're dying a slow, unhappy death. And that'd be true - everyone who hides demons with beauty knows that the demons are there, they just choose not to do anything about it.
I cannot say whether I liked this or not. The poem has staggering potential, but that potential is not realized to the extent that it could have been. I suppose an easier way to say it would be to say that I like the concept, but not the execution.
Good luck.
P. S. I do like the line "We paint our skins beautiful // with arts of ink", that sounds like tattooing
Flower here as requested! Thank you for the request! FIrst of all I want to say I liked this. It isn't anything really new though. I have heard this concept in other poems before, and you didn't make anything really stand out. The way you wrote this has some flow problems. I will point those out below if you wanna try and fix it. You also have no punctuation, this is very distracting in a poem. It makes the reader work more to find where the writer is breaking and so on. I would suggest adding some, but it's up to you.
We paint our skins beautiful Why is skin plural here? It doesn't seem nessecary.
with arts of ink This didn't really make sense to me. It sounds pretty, but has no meaning.
rings and studs This interupts with the flow here. I would continue with the use of the work of here, and change the wording. I'm not really sure what I would make of it though. Then again you repeat the same kind of things throughout the poem, so it could work out.
We paint our outside beautiful I like this line better.
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelry These words just seem to cliche'. They are so old and uncolorful. Add some description to this.
We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth This is where you change from using the word and, like the lines above, which changes the poem completely to me. If you are going to use and as much as you did before I would stick with it. Otherwise, I would fix the words above.
We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glass I like these two lines, but again they are old and cliche'. Think of something new to add to this peice.
Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned I don't know what being poisoned has to do with being broken. It's like you just threw in a cool word, but it didn't end up working out.
Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tear
destroying everything in site Here you add demons, what are these demons? Go into further detail here.
Inside we bottle up insanity This line seems more original.
never once wondering
about effect
We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death[/quote]
Ok. So as you can see I pointed out what I found that needed work. I think you need to add some color, and demension to this poem. Right now it doesn't have any. I also think you need to be more original with it. Add some metaphors to it to make it pop! Other than that it was nice.
I hope I helped.
-Flow-
Here as requested:
This does not make sense to me
"ripe" should be rip I think.
Overall I liked the poem. I always let my dark side out a little in poetry myself, so this sounded good to me. The biggest thing sense there aren't any other obvious errors is to ignore any other reviews you get because poetry should be completely unique to the writer, and their isn't any changes unless their are based on opinion unlike other writing. Good job, sorry this review isn't that good, poetry is tough for me.